My partner puts our problems above our son.

[klaudiaa]

My 5 year old asked his dad 3 days ago if he could clean up after he has gone to bed so he could wake up to a clean space his dad said yes but didn’t keep to his word, when I asked him why hasn’t he done it he said to me why should he make things easier for me ( we’re on bad terms right now) and I said I wasn’t the one to ask you to clean up it was YOUR SON. He still hasn’t cleaned up and of course I had to do it instead. Thoughts on this please?

Whose house is it. Forget about whether your H has no where to go.
He doesn't care about you or your son.
Get him out

Surely the adults in the home decide how to split jobs between them? If he's not doing his share this is what you need to deal with. I wouldn't take any notice of my child telling me to do housework either.

It's not your responsibility to house him

It is your responsibility to shield your kid from toxicity

If its your house, boot him out, job done.

It must be a right shit tip because my 5 yea olds wouldn't have ever asked.

There’s no way my 6 year old would notice his toys out let alone dirty dishes.

esp if he’s used to going to bed with it that way as you clean after he’s gone bed (ie he doesn’t know does it).

Did you prime him to ask your DP?

Either way, your poor DS is learning some difficult lessons.

The priming him is exactly what I was thinking. Ditto also the poster who said maybe he thought it was daddy’s turn. No 5 yr old in the world thinks like that about mess or turns unless someone has put them up to it.

it all sounds like a completely unhealthy environment basically whereby the adults hate each other.

you don’t need permission to split up, or even a ‘proper’ reason - the mutual dislike of each other is plenty

Agree it sounds like the kid is being primed to be an unwitting pawn in a pissing contest between two adults who can barely tolerate each other.

The whole home environment sounds toxic and unhealthy

I think this is unfair. My 4 year old is easily capable of walking into her clean playroom, spending half an hour playing which involves removing everything from the drawers and scattering it over the floor, and then having a tantrum about how messy it is and that she wants to live in a clean space!

It seems your 5yo picks up on your arguing and trying in his own way to get involved on your side.
No 5yo would care about dishes in the sink. And toys - are toys. They don't bother kids.
The poor kid. He didn't ask for his father to do the clean up. He was trying to fix the arguing - maybe he thought if his dad does the clean-up you would be less angry....

I think you need to take a look at your relationship and your interactions/tensions that your child is clearly picking up on. And resolve it - or move on.

Nope, don’t believe this. I think you told your son to ask his dad to clear up, and he knew it was you asking so didn’t do it. 5yr olds don’t ask to have thier lounge cleared up!

Ffs, can't believe I'm reading this- grow up and stop point scoring - both of you!

Why? You son doesn’t choose who does things. If you knew he would not like that it wasn’t done then you should have done it or reminded your partner.

this whole story is sus though, 5 year olds don’t ask for a clean space and you keep changing from his kid to your kid…make your mind up?

Something strange here...

The whole dynamic sounds weird. 5 year old son is old enough to pick up his own toys, but I agree with other posters that this doesn't sound like something that a typical child would ask.

Why would your son care who cleaned up? If you usually do it after he goes to bed, how would he even know who did it?

Did you or a family member prime your son to ask his dad to do this?

It's really unfair on a child to use them a pawn and manipulate them that way.

If you want your partner to step up and do household chores, you need to do your own dirty work and say so directly, not get your kid involved.

I do not want to remain in this relationship the problem is that he has nowhere to go and wouldn’t want to make him homeless.

Yes it is a problem. But it's HIS problem. Not yours.

Do you own the house, or are you the named tenant, and he's moved in? I notice he's your partner, you're not married. So if it's your house out he goes.

And if he has to find somewhere to live, well that's a consequence that's on him. Or to put it another way, fuck around and find out. He's been doing the first bit for a while. Time for the second half.

It is pretty strange for a 5 yo. But if he does nothing and makes a point of telling you that’s your job, I wouldn’t feel bad about making him homeless. ‘Hey x I was under the impression not kicking you out meant da has a dad living with him, but you’ve made it pretty clear that you’re more focussed on being rude to me than being a parent so you need to be gone by Saturday. Then ds won’t be let down in his home anymore.’

Hi @klaudiaa
You can look up Coercive Control on Laura Richard's website and also Dr Emma Katz, as this explains situations where men will hurt their own children in order to hurt their partner. Although you have given one example that might seem minor to many people it is more about a pattern that goes on over time. Sadly it is not as uncommon as you would think and it is really hard to believe anyone would do this but it is real. It's not easy to manage so try to find some support from Women's Aid or similar if you need it.

No they are not.

This is really poor, subpar behaviour that both the op and her son deserve better than.

Yep, nailed it! If it came across so unnaturally on here, with the “so he can wake up to a clean space,” then I’m sure it was even more obvious in person.

Don’t use your child as a pawn to try to manipulate your partner. If he’s lazy and worthless then throw him out. It’s not your concern where he goes.

Especially given the follow ups that he always does wake up to a clean space.

Don’t use your child as a pawn to try to manipulate your partner

This is how the post reads. You wanted your partner to tidy up and your son was either told to ask his dad or you implied it and your son has been put in the middle, as the messenger. It's emotionally unhealthy to do that to a child.

It seems there is a power struggle between you two. If your partner doesn't have the same standards as you and you feel he is lazy then address that issue adult to adult. If your partner won't engage with you and there is no compromise, then you only have 2 choices...tolerate his behaviour or end the relationship. He will find somewhere to live if you give him a period of notice.