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Original poster

How do I stop worrying about my parents?

7 replies

Onslow1985 · 12/04/2025 14:30

I'm 36 & my parents divorced at 13. We are a close knit family regardless, my brother & I are both married and do a lot of things with both our Mum & Dad.

My Dad ended a toxic relationship 18 months ago & I spent a lot of last year worrying about him being on his own (he doesn't speak to his family), however he plays golf so does a lot of socialising with that, golf holidays, goes to football etc. He kindly paid for us to go on a family holiday also which was nice & meant he got away.
He has had a lot of relationships over the years & thankfully has now met someone & he seems really happy, jetting off on lovely getaways etc.

My Mum was with someone since I was about 15 - this was off and on - they didn't live together as I think my Mum concentrating on us kids when we were living at home & got used to her independence during the week, likes to go to gym etc. I think this caused a lot of resentment with her partner & he used to blow up from time to time & to be honest he has recently just become a bit nasty with it, calling her a horrible person, he can get someone better, she is jealous of my Dad's younger partner (she absolutely isnt, they have met and get on well) - just really petty stuff & I know I'm bias but my Mum is a great woman & also absolutely gorgeous looking to boot. He's always had these episodes & they don't speak for months and even fell off the radar for her 50th birthday. I understand it's frustrating if he wanted that sort of commitment but I suppose he could have accepted it or moved on. I'm not sure how much love was there as my Mum also just seemed to become irritated by him and he could often act a little childish I don't think they had much of a laugh together for a long time. Everytime we would go away they would snap at eachother & there would be tensions. At Christmas, he acted spoiled and selfish and didn't speak to Mum on Xmas eve & Xmas day due to one of his huffs over something small (even though she did everything for the whole family!) I think she just had enough & said she was sick of him spoiling her Xmas' and hasn't seen him since. They are both so stubborn and wouldn't get in touch, but this has been the story for years!

I suffer with anxiety & depression & worry a lot about my family if they are upset etc. so I've now gotten to the point where I struggle to talk about it and she never really mentions it (think I am also fed up with it all). I'm also trying to lead a less stressed life as I struggle with recurrent miscarriage etc. I spent my whole Xmas break upset worrying about her on her own for NYE etc. I also feel so bad on weekends that I plan stuff to do with her constantly (she does go out with friends too), which I love to do, but then feel guilty on my husband - although we do a lot together too (I probably have a good balance!).

I just want my parents both to be happy, they are both 60 y/o & I just worry about them so much. Any words of advice to chill out - I know the situation is out of my control, but my Mum deserves so much happiness & I just want her to have it. She seems okay, I think it is affecting me more than her!

OP posts:
ohnowwhatcanitbe · 12/04/2025 14:38

You are making yourself responsible for the happiness of others. Perhaps you need to think about having some counselling to unearth why you feel this way.

Original poster
Onslow1985 · 12/04/2025 14:41

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 12/04/2025 14:38

You are making yourself responsible for the happiness of others. Perhaps you need to think about having some counselling to unearth why you feel this way.

You are right, I’ve had counselling to deal with my fertility issues and it’s still a daily fight sometimes trying to get through these emotions. There just always seems to be something going on in the background too.

OP posts:
Orangesinthebag · 12/04/2025 15:32

Onslow1985 · 12/04/2025 14:30

I'm 36 & my parents divorced at 13. We are a close knit family regardless, my brother & I are both married and do a lot of things with both our Mum & Dad.

My Dad ended a toxic relationship 18 months ago & I spent a lot of last year worrying about him being on his own (he doesn't speak to his family), however he plays golf so does a lot of socialising with that, golf holidays, goes to football etc. He kindly paid for us to go on a family holiday also which was nice & meant he got away.
He has had a lot of relationships over the years & thankfully has now met someone & he seems really happy, jetting off on lovely getaways etc.

My Mum was with someone since I was about 15 - this was off and on - they didn't live together as I think my Mum concentrating on us kids when we were living at home & got used to her independence during the week, likes to go to gym etc. I think this caused a lot of resentment with her partner & he used to blow up from time to time & to be honest he has recently just become a bit nasty with it, calling her a horrible person, he can get someone better, she is jealous of my Dad's younger partner (she absolutely isnt, they have met and get on well) - just really petty stuff & I know I'm bias but my Mum is a great woman & also absolutely gorgeous looking to boot. He's always had these episodes & they don't speak for months and even fell off the radar for her 50th birthday. I understand it's frustrating if he wanted that sort of commitment but I suppose he could have accepted it or moved on. I'm not sure how much love was there as my Mum also just seemed to become irritated by him and he could often act a little childish I don't think they had much of a laugh together for a long time. Everytime we would go away they would snap at eachother & there would be tensions. At Christmas, he acted spoiled and selfish and didn't speak to Mum on Xmas eve & Xmas day due to one of his huffs over something small (even though she did everything for the whole family!) I think she just had enough & said she was sick of him spoiling her Xmas' and hasn't seen him since. They are both so stubborn and wouldn't get in touch, but this has been the story for years!

I suffer with anxiety & depression & worry a lot about my family if they are upset etc. so I've now gotten to the point where I struggle to talk about it and she never really mentions it (think I am also fed up with it all). I'm also trying to lead a less stressed life as I struggle with recurrent miscarriage etc. I spent my whole Xmas break upset worrying about her on her own for NYE etc. I also feel so bad on weekends that I plan stuff to do with her constantly (she does go out with friends too), which I love to do, but then feel guilty on my husband - although we do a lot together too (I probably have a good balance!).

I just want my parents both to be happy, they are both 60 y/o & I just worry about them so much. Any words of advice to chill out - I know the situation is out of my control, but my Mum deserves so much happiness & I just want her to have it. She seems okay, I think it is affecting me more than her!

Do you think your parents realise you worry about them so much?
Does your mum actually lean on you for support & to socialise or have you just assumed she needs that?

I am not that much younger than your mum & I would really hate to think of my kids worrying that much about me!

I am single & don't have the most exciting social life but I'm genuinely not that bothered these days. I lived it up with the best of them when I was younger but now I am quite happy with the odd big night out now & then and nights in with a good box set.

I think maybe pull back a bit from seeing your mum as much as you do & see how she gets on. You'll probably find she's perfectly fine with seeing you less.
Similarly, your dad sounds fine with his social life set up.

They are both adults who have made their choices for themselves.
You don't have to worry about them, particularly not at this stage when they are both quite young & healthy.

Give yourself a break & enjoy your life otherwise your relationship may founder & they will be worried about you!

category12 · 12/04/2025 15:54

Your mum's partner actually sounds quite emotionally abusive. It's a classic move to spoil special occasions. I'd worry about her too. Maybe signpost her to resources about emotional abuse if you think she'd be receptive. Otherwise just reflect back how abnormal his behaviour is to her.

I'm not helping you worry less, I guess, sorry.

You can only do so much, and they are both adults.

Original poster
Onslow1985 · 13/04/2025 17:17

Orangesinthebag · 12/04/2025 15:32

Do you think your parents realise you worry about them so much?
Does your mum actually lean on you for support & to socialise or have you just assumed she needs that?

I am not that much younger than your mum & I would really hate to think of my kids worrying that much about me!

I am single & don't have the most exciting social life but I'm genuinely not that bothered these days. I lived it up with the best of them when I was younger but now I am quite happy with the odd big night out now & then and nights in with a good box set.

I think maybe pull back a bit from seeing your mum as much as you do & see how she gets on. You'll probably find she's perfectly fine with seeing you less.
Similarly, your dad sounds fine with his social life set up.

They are both adults who have made their choices for themselves.
You don't have to worry about them, particularly not at this stage when they are both quite young & healthy.

Give yourself a break & enjoy your life otherwise your relationship may founder & they will be worried about you!

Show quote history

They know I’m a worrier which is why she probably doesn’t mention much around me and if I told her how worried I always was I think she might not speak to me and I want her to be able to as she does for me.
We always do a lot together so it’s nothing out of the ordinary but I just feel responsible for planning things. I don’t think she is going to get away on holiday this year and that is my latest worry & wondering if we could book something later in the year.
That’s it, she’s young and healthy and has so much going for I just wish she had someone to share things with and to make her laugh etc.
Im trying to concentrate on being positive to get me through my fertility struggles and I’m probably putting more stress on myself.

OP posts:
Orangesinthebag · 13/04/2025 18:05

Onslow1985 · 13/04/2025 17:17

They know I’m a worrier which is why she probably doesn’t mention much around me and if I told her how worried I always was I think she might not speak to me and I want her to be able to as she does for me.
We always do a lot together so it’s nothing out of the ordinary but I just feel responsible for planning things. I don’t think she is going to get away on holiday this year and that is my latest worry & wondering if we could book something later in the year.
That’s it, she’s young and healthy and has so much going for I just wish she had someone to share things with and to make her laugh etc.
Im trying to concentrate on being positive to get me through my fertility struggles and I’m probably putting more stress on myself.

Show quote history

Maybe I am a bit hard hearted but I suppose I think "Oh well..."

I won't get a holiday again this year because my kids have each made plans with friends & I'm single but my friends are all coupled up.
But that's fine, it's life. I could go on my own of course but I'd rather save the money & will try to just go to visit friends for weekends away.

If she's healthy & you see her regularly then stop worrying so much. Being single isn't the end of the world & it's not like she goes weeks seeing no one if she sees you often.

RedRock41 · 13/04/2025 22:52

OP you need to stop obsessing. Happiness is just an emotion like any other and as such comes in ebbs and flows and is not a destination. Just part of life to have to deal with loss, hurt, disappointment and all the rest.
Your folks likely be mortified if they knew how responsible for them you feel and how fixated you are on this.
Your general anxiety likely a strong factor. Keep busy and get some CBT to help you quash any cycles of doom thinking. TBH sounds like your lovely Mum better off without her DH and fact she never wanted to live with him shows she wasn’t that fussed about him.
As well as focusing on yourself, put your energy into enjoying every single minute with them you can. That will be the mood lifter and energiser if they are down that they need most.

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