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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argue, bicker, bitch, make up, argue, bicker bitch and so it goes on

26 replies

lucyellensmum · 15/05/2008 22:01

We are under a lot of stress, but i can only write it off to this so much.... I have just read a really upsetting thread and it makes this seem trivial but i need to get things straight in my head.

DP and i have been together for 16 years now - just realised its our anniversary next week Up until recently, it was great, really really great - in fact, perfect. But since i have had DD things have gone wrong. Its not her, shes lovely and wonderful, challenging and hard work, but we adore her and to be honest if it wasnt for her, we would have both walked away.

This whole cycle is doing my head in. DP is not abusive or anything and i am just as bad, if not worse tbh.

Today i was upset over not being involved with the business, we made up over the phone, promised each other lots of cuddles (as i had commented at feeling sad yesterday as a couple who have a baby the same age as ours (we met at baby clinic) were all cuddly and loved up in the park) tonight, that maybe if we were more cuddly then we would be ok. So, he came home, just the same as normal, played with DD, said very little to me, but to be fair i was very frosty as i have been stewing all day. He started going on about how I don't support him in the business (he is right, i dont i just have lost all motivation for it, as i think it is on a hiding to nothing apart from reposession and bankrupcy - that and the fact that things i have done to try to help have been thrown back in my face). Then we get the same old - Oh well i will just get a job then if that will make you happy shit. So that way, he gets to pull the plug on the business and blame me . Very little said to each other after that - he is putting DD to bed now, made a negative comment because he has to do it everynight as she will only let him. But he said, i dont mind really, it means i can just stay up here - my mature response - "what? so you dont have to spend time with me>" so he said yes, so i said "well the less time i have to spend with you, the better" WTF is wrong with me?? I just want him to cuddle me and tell me that everything will be ok, that we will enjoy each others company again soon. Get back to how we were......it all works like that by text, or on the phone, but in reality, which just bitch bicker and snipe...

I know this is trivial as there is lots of sad things going on in Mnet just now. But i feel like i am losing him and pushing him away, or maybe it is that i get nothing back from him and im putting up this wall to protect myself. He used to be so proud of me, but now its just contempt and bitterness in his eyes. Its very sad, but i am starting to think it might be over

OP posts:
Original poster
lucyellensmum · 15/05/2008 22:05

i suffered from pnd and im still on talbets but when DD was six months and things were rough like they are now - he said to me, that the more horrible i am to him, the less and less he feels for me, and he has nothing less - he was crying when he said this to me, he said he couldnt look at me - this has stuck in my mind, and plays over and over, i dont think i have ever really been able to accept that minutes later, because i begged screamed and pleaded with him to stay that the feelings had come back, thats what he said - its marred everything tbh.

OP posts:
controlfreakyagain · 15/05/2008 22:05

how old is dd? a small baby means a huge adjustment for everyone. it's v stressful. do nothing rash. you need to communicate properly again..... are you really tired? do you think you might be depressed?

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 15/05/2008 22:06

DD is nearly three

OP posts:
controlfreakyagain · 15/05/2008 22:07

sorry. xposted with you....

controlfreakyagain · 15/05/2008 22:08

that's hard too!
do you think you need to go back to gp about possible depression? if you are depressed it will affect everything.

TotalChaos · 15/05/2008 22:08

is there anyway the both of you could sit down with some sort of CAB financial advisor and try and get to grips with whether it's worth continuing the business and/or how to pay off any debts ? As the financial worries are probably making you both unhappy and tetchy and resentful.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 15/05/2008 22:13

This is how much he cares though - ive just gone and told him i had forgotten to take my tablets today and that i am about to take them all - to which he turned over and said, do what you like , so thats an option then.......a way forward, for him and DD, she doesnt want me actually, she only wants her daddy, she says she loves her daddy lots, and me only a little bit, she wont let me put her to bed, if she gets upset i have to call dp at work for him to console her, he gets very cross about that. ....so they dont technically need me, its definately worth considering......i would have had enough time to neck both packets and the rest of the tablets that i was supposed to take back to the chemist after my dad died by now - shows how much he cares

OP posts:
controlfreakyagain · 15/05/2008 22:26

you sound really down and i'm not suprised. would you consider talking to someone about the financial stuff / the relationship.....? you could go on your own if need be you know?

TotalChaos · 15/05/2008 22:37

you are both depressed. from personal experience I know that when both of a couple are depressed at the same time, it makes for a rather fraught time, as neither half of a couple is in the right mental place to "carry" the other. So instead of your DP being in a place to hug you and reassure you that you are important, he is feeling so crap he doesn't have the energy to do this, and is at the end of his tether himself, so has "snapped" and replied in what could be interpreted as an uncaring manner.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 15/05/2008 22:38

he wont even consider it, i have had counselling, she basically told me to get over myself. Well he hasn;t come down to check that i am still alive so thats put me in my place

OP posts:
MrsMacaroon · 15/05/2008 22:38

firstly- take ONE pill now- missing one can make you feel really wonky...

secondly- have a good cry if that's how you're feeling but don't do it for his benefit. Lock yourself in the bathroom, go out into the car or go to the bottom of the garden and go for it. You sound really stressed. I get the feeling money is an issue and looking after wee ones is fucking hard work. You deserve a good cry.

thirdly- talk to your DP in exactly the way you have here...even if you're in the middle of a spiky bitchfest 'i just need a cuddle' is honest and vulnerable. Try no ask for what you want from him, don't focus on what he's doing wrong. Spell it out for him.

fourthly (is that even a word?)- tackle the issue with your daughter head on...if she focuses on your DP more, it's learned behaviour, not because you're a shit mother or because she loves him more. She has gotten used to things as they have been (him doing the comforting). You need to feel that you are capable of giving her what she needs BECAUSE YOU ARE. If you believe it, she will. It will take time so commit yourself to it and put the work in and ASK FOR YOUR DP'S SUPPORT. Start by doing the bath routine. No DP, just you. She might feel weird about it at first and ask for DP. This isn't a rejection so get a thick skin- tears and upset are common when you change a kid's routine. My DD1 is going through a phase of saying 'mummy i don't love you anymore' or 'i love daddy but not you'...i ignore it as i know it's just her testing boundaries and trying to get a reaction but inside, i'm crying.

So sorry about your dad. Have you had grief counselling?

xxx

Tortington · 15/05/2008 22:40

s'ell be at school soon

and people will tell you tha it doesn't get easier it gets different are LYING LIERS

it gets tons easier than having little lovely leeches around TONS

hecan come home early and you can have a nooner

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 15/05/2008 22:41

DP makes a big thing of the whole daddies girl thing, always says "who do you love the best?" and "errr mummy's horrible isnt she" trouble is, DD thinks this is really funny - i am starting to hate him for it

OP posts:
controlfreakyagain · 15/05/2008 22:58

that's both unkind and really difficult for your dd. you need to tell him how this makes you fell and he needs to put a stop to it. now. poor you keep posting wont you?

PosieParker · 15/05/2008 23:07

Have you ever tried the 'I can' instead of 'you can' conversation? Just a thought, it really works for us. Lucy, he does care he just doesn't take you seriously that you will kill yourself and he's right, I hope.
Get a decent counsellor and a bit of fresh air tomorrow, you sound really down and hard on yourself. perhaps your dh doesn't know what to do which can make people a little resentful and caring fatigue, iykwim.
DO NOT let your child decide who puts her to bed, that is manipulative and she probably knows it upsets you even if she doesn't understand it. Oedipus is not an unfouded theory either.
Find yourself again however you can.
Take Care

Needamassage · 15/05/2008 23:07

Sounds like you both have a lot going on and it's very stressful regarding the business - perhaps that's making him the way he is at the moment and taking it out, unfairly, on you. He does sound a bit down too - work related worries?

From my experience, things change after you have a child and you both have to work doubly hard to keep your relationship on track. It's so hard not to fall into the bicker-make up cycle you are describing.

Also, he probably misses his DD when he is at work and loves the fact that she wants him. It's only a phase, before you know it, she'll be wanting you to do everything again!

I feel for you, my relationship is scarily similar.

Could you have some time away together - even just a night or a meal out and talk?

(((((((((Hugs to you)))))))))

MrsMacaroon · 15/05/2008 23:41

Definitely tell him those 'who do you love' comments hurt and add to your feeling of estrangement from him and your DD.

After you speak to him about how you're feeling (if you decide to- I think you should), wipe the slate clean or draw a Jeremy Kyle-esque 'line in the sand' and try to move past it. Try not to let these things bog you down...sounds like you all love each other very much so a bit of positivity could have a a massive effect.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 16/05/2008 11:34

I feel much better today - i did start to swallow my tablets last night, but stopped after two (how brave am i ) and thought WTF am i doing. We talked, and cuddled and ive told him he needs to cuddle me more - am going to take DD out now, just can't think of where to go

OP posts:
PosieParker · 16/05/2008 12:13

LEM, you are brave to face another day if you feel that bad. I do not see suicide as either a brave or weak option, it's just very sad.
Have a great day!!

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 16/05/2008 12:55

Thanks posie - the scary thing is im getting very matter of fact about it, and i dont even WANT to do it - i just find myself in the middle of it sometimes. But anyway, that was yesterday and the sun is TRYING to shine today - i have just arranged to meet a friend at the soft play centre, so that will blow away the cobwebs

OP posts:
MrsMacaroon · 16/05/2008 23:11

getting out, fresh air and a bit of exercise is the best thing for depression- that and decent sleep. It's like medicine for a depressive. Please try to take good care of yourself... bloody well done for asking for more cuddles. It seems really basic but being vulnerable and asking for a cuddle instead of 'why doesn't he know what i need' inner dialogue and spikiness can make life much more harmonious.

are you going to take a bit more control of comforting your DD/bath routine etc? would your DP support you with that?

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 16/05/2008 23:55

thing is mrs macarron, and dont shout the lazy arse in me is quite happy for him to put her to bed. We had a lovely walk up to the soft play centre today and DD had a great time with her friends, we arranged to meet one, and another was there as a bonus. Afterwards my mum met me and we went for a coffee in tesco (i know how to live the highlife i do!!!) and DD wrapped her arms around me and said "i love you mummy" That'l do for me!!!

OP posts:
SweetieDarling · 17/05/2008 00:16

Lucy, maybe your DD senses you are more than happy for DH to put her to bed instead of you doing it - and is "punishing" you the rest of the time by playing up to her dad?

I would 1) start putting her to bed every other night no matter how tired you are and 2) Tell (definately not ask, as asking implies him doing you a favour), DH never to make the comments re who's the favourite parent etc etc to your DD again. It is extremely detrimental to you and DD.

(((( Hugs )))))

littlewoman · 17/05/2008 01:30

Glad you got cuddles and kisses, LEM. I know how hard it is to put them to bed, but I agree with sweetieD. It's not fair on hubby every night, and I think your dd might feel your reluctance and be punishing you.

I've actually been diagnosed with Can't Be Arsed's Disease, so I understand you don't want to do it every night. But think of the benefits of taking your turn. Just think of all the stress you can lift off his shoulders, then he will be so willing to do the same for you in other ways, like giving you cuddles [excellent theory emoticon].

Remember, you don't catch a bear with shit, you catch them with honey (((big hug)))

MrsMacaroon · 17/05/2008 09:50

that's lovely LEM!...i think if you stay as positive as poss (obviously not abnormally, mary poppins-esque), you should be fine with DD.

What we do is I do the bath at the weekends so that I get a rest when DH comes home during the week.

That's all gone to shit since I had DD2 three weeks ago but it was working well up till them.