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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me……

15 replies

malazzie · 12/04/2025 11:31

Everything has got really toxic and I feel I’m having a breakdown. Me and my ex husband split 6 months ago. I cheated on him as we were in a really bad place….he said he would forgive me and stayed for 18 months but he just used it as an excuse to be really abusive and started strangling me and hitting my arms, kicking me and calling me horrible names. The last time he did it I asked him to leave. That was 6 months ago. I did try and do everything I could to make up for the cheating but it was never enough. I feel so awful for doing it and fucking up my whole life and I’m really struggling. Since he left he has been really awful to me. He will say he wants me to kill myself. He wants me to have a breakdown so he can take the kids etc and now he has a new girlfriend he parades around our small town. I got upset about this and ended up telling a friend about the violence and it got back to his new girlfriend. Who has decided she doesn’t believe me and has told everyone I’m a liar and his whole family won’t speak to me. We share two kids. I’m at rock bottom. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
alcoholnightmare · 12/04/2025 11:32

I don’t think much you can do? Just keep putting one foot infront of the other, and be a good mum to your children

Taffydog · 12/04/2025 11:40

What?? Of course there is something she can do. His behaviour is vile and criminal. You could report to the police or if this feels too much to start with how about trying to contact women’s aid for support and advice? His behaviour is not ok and nothing justifies him being physically and emotionally abusive. The strangling alone is hugely concerning that’s top level risky behaviour in terms of DV. Please report to someone it feels like you’re very unsafe at present

Maitri108 · 12/04/2025 11:40

Start writing down all the incidents and save any evidence such as emails and text messages.

Get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation for support.

OP he's a dangerous individual, he strangled you and he's not leaving you alone which is a bad sign. You need a safety plan.

You should make sure your home is safe, get a video doorbell and you can contact the council housing department, they may be able to make your place safe. If not, fit locks to the windows, get a chain across the door and don't let him in.

Download a co parenting app and block him on your phone. Arrange collection and drop offs away from your house, either through a third person or in a crowded outdoor area.

Don't give him access if you think he'll hurt the children, you can withold contact in the case of domestic violence.

His family will of course take his side so don't worry about them.

Have as little to do with him as possible.

TipsyJoker · 12/04/2025 11:43

women’s aid immediately

Millyjanice · 12/04/2025 11:51

alcoholnightmare · 12/04/2025 11:32

I don’t think much you can do? Just keep putting one foot infront of the other, and be a good mum to your children

Of course there is a lot OP can do !

Phone the police if he threatens you again
Keep a record of his messsges
Call women’s Aid
Call Rights of Women for support and free legal advice
Initiate divorce proceedings
I hope you have changed the locks

Timetowaterthegarden · 12/04/2025 11:53

Even if you did cheat OP nothing, but nothing, justifies his behaviour towards you.
He is a dangerous man behaving in a criminal way towards you.
I agree with pp that you need to report him to the police and contact Woman's Aid for support.

Maitri108 · 12/04/2025 12:00

WA aren't available at the weekend and can be difficult to get hold of. You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 24/7 or use the Refuge webchat which is available until 10pm Monday to Friday.

You can also find your local domestic abuse organisation via your council website.

MrsCastle · 12/04/2025 12:03

It sounds like he is mad about the cheating in terms of a wound to himself in some way rather than sad about losing you. Hence the abusive behaviour and “parading” a new GF

all really good advice on her about actions to take

Original poster
malazzie · 12/04/2025 12:12

It’s just devastating to be treated like this. His mum is messaging me saying she’s “disgusted in me” and his brother and sister in law are supporting him too. I’ve been in this family for 23 years and they don’t even care if I’m okay. And they don’t believe me. I have actual proof of some of the abuse aswell but haven’t shown it to any of them. I’m scared of what they will do now to get revenge on me.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 12/04/2025 12:18

malazzie · 12/04/2025 12:12

It’s just devastating to be treated like this. His mum is messaging me saying she’s “disgusted in me” and his brother and sister in law are supporting him too. I’ve been in this family for 23 years and they don’t even care if I’m okay. And they don’t believe me. I have actual proof of some of the abuse aswell but haven’t shown it to any of them. I’m scared of what they will do now to get revenge on me.

Block them. If they've threatened you, keep all their messages. If you're worried they'll harm you then contact the police.

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 12/04/2025 12:21

His abuse of you is completely unacceptable and you absolutely did the right thing in getting away from him. You cannot control what he says to anyone else though, or whether or not he gets a new gf. She has been informed but has chosen to stay with him. If he’s threatening you, record it and report to the police and do not engage with his family.

Original poster
malazzie · 12/04/2025 12:56

Even before the cheating I think abuse had started. I had 5 miscarriages and when I was still grieving the last one he got a vasectomy. He then told me if I didn’t like it I could go. If I ever got upset he would say “oh it’s the sharon show again” he would tell me I was shit in bed or at blowjobs and then ask me to do them/have sex. He would threaten to leave me if I didn’t have more sex with him. I would cry in bed and he’d just fall asleep. He would call me a controlling cunt regularly. He would do coke on nights out and lie about it. I think I cheated because my self esteem was so low and I felt so worthless. Someone was nice to me on a night out and I just slept with him to make myself feel better. But then I hated myself even more. Now my self esteem is at rock bottom.
After I cheated he made me give him a blowjob whilst crying. it only got really physical after the cheating although he pushed me once before that

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 12/04/2025 13:03

I'm sorry he put you through that. He was coercing you into sex which is abusive and obviously calling you names is emotional abuse.

You may benefit from counselling to help you process what happened. Your local domestic abuse organisation may know of counselling or The Survivor's Trust could help.

You might want MN to edit your post as you put your name in.

moose17 · 12/04/2025 13:03

Block everyone and call the police. His family doesn’t have to like you anymore and that’s just something you’ll have to come to terms with now.
move on with your life and take each as it comes.

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