@Crikeyalmighty I think this is a reasonable position, generally speaking. And I was never, ever like this in the entire more than 12 years that we've been together. I had zero reason or will and to be frank, it generally would have been something I frowned upon. I'm not saying that finding out this group that he's in is healthy -- in fact I am aware it is quite the opposite.
But when I was a very young adult, just out of highschool, I dated this guy was ultimately just a shit person. I didn't realize it for awhile - I was young, and it was my first serious relationship. He cheated on me, betrayed me, lied, disrespected me (even outside of the cheating) - and he was good at it. Could make anyone believe that he was a saint and I was raging nutjob. After I finally got myself out of that horrible relationship (after a little under 3 years), I vowed never again would I ever let myself get close to someone like that. I wouldn't even entertain it. And I followed through, in the relationship after that. He was actually a good guy and though we had our own problems, he never disrespected me in a serious or continuous way. It happened a couple times, on a minor scale, he apologized and that was that. We didn't work out for other reasons, but it was not a volatile end. We each had respect for each other there are no hard feelings -- we just weren't right for each other.
A very brief fling or two after that, nothing at all serious or even worth mentioning really, then I met who is now my H. We worked at the same place. He swept me off my feet. So kind, seemingly supportive, and stable (or at least the appearance of it). Honestly I should have listened to my gut though in the very beginning and I don't know why I didn't, after what I had been through in my first relationship. When me and H met, he had been long distance dating another woman for ~4 years or so. He seemed sort of unhappy but didn't say much about it. I told myself for this reason, I would not allow him to get close, despite his charms. And then of course the heart often overrides the brain, and I let him get close. He almost physically cheated on her with me -- and looking back, there was definitely emotional infidelity for sure. At the time, I was still relatively young, and I didn't have access to the language/knowledge to understand this concept (my first BF physically cheated on me, and that's what I understood to be cheating).
I guess I haven't included the whole story here with my H, because frankly, it's a novel. But to make a very long story short, we had seemingly been growing apart for awhile I thought, at first, due to ideological/political differences - I didn't realize for a long time it was so much deeper than that. The truth is, he has zero respect for me or my feelings or my opinions when they do not align with his and/or when I have even the tiniest, most microscopic issue with him specifically that I need to address (even if I do so very gently). He acts like my opinions on things make a crazy person (because obviously he's the stable one, yes?). We have had many fights about this that have never resolved and to me its no longer even about specific issues, its simply about respecting me and my feelings about things and how he treats me and he simply cannot seem to take accountability no what happens or how many times we have had these fights. In fact, he DARVOs me (I only recently learned what this meant) - I'm literally always in the wrong no matter what and he is always the victim. When I react emotionally to this kind of treatment, crying but especially when I yell (which honestly is a pretty rare thing, until somewhat recently), he uses this reaction to suggest I'm unstable in some way.
Anyway, the last several months (probably longer to be honest, maybe a year even or more I'm not sure exactly) I've noticed there is this woman at his job he mentions somewhat frequently. At first I didn't think much of it genuinely, after that first jerk I dated, jealousy did not plague me. I have never had an issue with my SOs having women friends. But I noticed during this same time period, things seemed to get progressively worse between us. I felt like he was picking fights. Didn't seem to want to be around me all that much, even in the same house, he'd disappear to a different room for hours without a word (which generally is okay with me, he's an introvert and I get he needs his space sometimes but this was different, I don't know how to articulate it, and it started to get to me a little bit).
Then one day I text him in the morning to ask him to pick some things up from the grocery store on his way home from work, and notice he had not seen my message in hours and it was now his lunch break and I really needed to know if he could pick up the things, so I called him and he did not answer his phone, which was pretty unusual at that time of day. I wanted to make sure he was okay and that I caught him before he left to come home, so I checked his location also to see if maybe he was making a store run on his lunch break (we have each other's locations for safety reasons - I almost never check his and vice versa it has never been a jealousy or control thing). He was at a restaurant, and he had seemingly been there for awhile. He, like most millennials, is never far from his phone, so I thought, why isn't he answering? He calls me back maybe 20 minutes later, on his way back to work. Said he was just at lunch. I didn't ask him any further details. Anyway, this kind of thing happens a few more times in the following weeks, so for the first time in our entire relationship, I start to feel uneasy. Then one day I noticed a text come through on his phone which I was sitting near, and I saw the preview of the text and it was this woman he mentions so much. Not only was it her, but it was specifically a text that said something like "I really enjoy our talks walking in and out of work together, I leave home early just to make sure I can walk in with you". And at that point, honestly, that deep sinking feeling that I had not felt in 19 years, the one that I got so often with that man who was cheating on me, emerges from the deep, dark depths of my repressed psyche. At that point, for me, so many things started falling into place the way he had been picking fights recently, the fact that he would disappear for long stretches of time (even in the same house) without a word and he how would get annoyed when I would ask him to come hang out with me, how he had been recently seemingly more concerned with his appearance, etc (there are several other things I don't have the energy to dive into here).
I confronted him about the woman, and in general about his behavior and treatment towards me. Of course, deny deny deny. I asked him about the text, he acted like I was crazy and "she talks this way to everyone". I told him to pull it up and read it out loud to me. He did and even as he read it, it was obvious that he knew it was objectively suspicious, but he didn't even try to acknowledge that -- he just continued to blame me for feeling upset. Says I just want to make him out to be the enemy, and host of other things. We got into several big fights over the next week, he apologized and acted mildly self-deprecating and conciliatory, but I was still very angry because the apology felt hollow. And then things settled for a bit because my sister was driving several hours to come stay with us for my birthday. After she left, things went right back to him snapping at me for seemingly every little thing without ever taking accountability for anything he has said/done to me. He started acting differently and saying weird things, almost like he was reading from a script or something. He spends a lot of time on reddit and I just knew something was coming from there, and I was just tired of the abuse and feeling gaslighted, so then yes, I did something I'm not proud of and looked at his groups he's in, and found this subreddit, which, by the way, is horrifying for the most part, in my opinion. And I was right, he was saying things that sounded just like these assholes who mock their girlfriends/wives on this sub.
I have never ever done anything like this with him, ever. Nor have I felt the need or desire to. Further, on accident, I also discovered that he is now going incognito every time he uses the browser. I went to use his phone a couple weeks ago because I couldn't find mine - I needed to look up a specific recipe for dinner. I went back to pull up the recipe again a few days ago because it was not saved on my phone, and noticed that the last thing that appears in the browser/searches was my search for that recipe, like 2+ weeks ago. As if he has used the browser for nothing since. Personally, I am an open book I don't hide any of my stuff. He can go through my browser, texts, emails if he wanted to, including looking at this -- none of what I have said out here in the ether are things I have not already tried to address with him, directly. On the other hand, he won't talk to me about hardly anything, but seems to be able to tell strangers on the internet how he has considered leaving me, or how my mind is warped by "all the influencers" I follow.
Wow that was a long walk for a short drink of water. Damn. Apologies to anyone who made it this far.
TLDR though I felt I had little other choice after a lot of things he has recently put me through, I responded in an unhealthy way by looking to see what groups he's in.