Husb sleeps late, leaves late for work

[SugarSpice2020]

Hi, I’m curious if anyone else has / is experiencing similar situation to me…?
Husband works (has own business & office downtown). I am currently SAH mom; we have a 5 year old, who I drop to school each day. We say goodbye but when I return around 9am my husband is frequently STILL IN SHOWER / doing a workout / getting ready etc.
We haven’t been getting on well the past few years (another story, but mostly basic stuff like growing apart since childbirth - nothing ‘major’). But one thing I think could help, which I’ve asked him many times - I think in a reasonable manner - , is if he could pls leave home before I’m back / by 8.30ish, like most working people in offices normally do! Having that early morning separation is much healthier - so if any issues need resolving between us (eg from night before or first thing) we have time apart to think through & I find throughout the day they resolve & we can start afresh that evening.

I tried yesterday to ask why he’s not at office earlier - as it would also help him get home earlier so we could possibly have family dinners at least once in a while… he says he needs to exercise to clear his mind, often has urgent calls early from home, has a 10am daily call with team so no need to be at office before, work calls / mtgs happen late anyway so he might as well start later / not sleeping well & struggling to get up ….

After our chat, today I thought he’d attempt to leave early, but no - once again still in shower when I return. I sage nothing but felt angry & no doubt it showed.

some of his reasons are valid, & by all means he doesn’t need to leave early every day. It’s his schedule & (sadly) at present the money all comes from his work. But I don’t think he’s listening to me & each time this happens I feel so irritable it’s making our relationship worse. (Yes there are many underlying factors but this time-keeping is important). I have a bi-weekly therapy session to will bring up next week.

meantime would appreciate thoughts of anyone else going through similar issue? Thx!

Can't you get a job to go to from school drop off? Or go to the gym, have a morning activity.
Why do you need to go straight back home?

Ooooh, I’m sorry if I offend but you sound a bit controlling?

It’s his home, it’s his work schedule and whilst I think he might make more effort to be home for a family dinner, he’s out earning the ££ to put that dinner on the table.

Does he get in your way in the morning?
Does he stop you doing anything in the house when you return?
Could you drop the rope a bit and try to see it his way?
Would he agree to, for example, on Mondays and Wednesdays he starts earlier, finishes early and has supper together with you and child?

Live and let live (unless there’s a back story to tell us?)

I’ve asked him many times - I think in a reasonable manner - , is if he could pls leave home before I’m back / by 8.30ish, like most working people in offices normally do! Having that early morning separation is much healthier - so if any issues need resolving between us (eg from night before or first thing) we have time apart to think through & I find throughout the day they resolve & we can start afresh that evening.

No, this is not a reasonable request.
It is his home. You can't ask him to leave earlier just because you don't want to see him in the mornings.
What would you do if he got shift work and was home all morning?
What will you do when he retires and is at home all day?

Ignoring the fact that you are a SAHM and he is the one earning the money, as that is not relevant.

Having that early morning separation is much healthier - so if any issues need resolving between us (eg from night before or first thing) we have time apart to think through & I find throughout the day they resolve & we can start afresh that evening.

You should probably start by trying to resolve having so many issues that you feel you need the space. YABU with your request

This ⬆️

You're being totally unreasonable.

This is so weird.

Just go and do something else of a morning if you don’t want to see your husband. In his own home..

You can’t be serious.

i understand, I work most mornings but if I am not other half usually has a shower whilst I go the school run. I have usually been running around getting myself and little one ready for school whilst he just lies in bed ready to start wfh at 9am. I think for just once in your whole life do what I have to do before 9am and I’ll just lie in bed. Not sure if that’s what’s getting to you or his just general lazy ass presence.

I find your imposed routine controlling. And I would not adhere to it at all…. His reasons are all legitimate

YABVU

If you need space in the mornings, then go to the gym or for a walk after dropping DC off.

He is allowing you to be a SAHP, the least you can do is allow him to spend time in his own home in the mornings.

Why the hell does he need to leave before you get home? That's daft and unreasonable of you to ask this. Its his house too and his work/life schedule and he should be able to get up, and go in (and exercise) when he wants to. Why do you get to tell him how he organises his day?

Totally unreasonable, it’s his house too. You can’t control what time he leaves so you get the house to yourself.

If you don’t want to see him in the mornings then go for a coffee after the school drop off and come back once he’s gone.

I think that if he can adjust his schedule earlier and be home for family dinner as a result, that would improve things, it’s nice to all have a meal together ( kids and parents)
what did he say about that idea? If not everyday then at least once or twice a week?

And yes I have a similar issue, my husbands schedule is somewhat flexible but he likes to stay up till 1am watching Netflix to relax. Then he inevitably wakes up late ( like 8-9) and is actually late for work and the. The cycle perpetuates- meanwhile I’m out of the house early and back by 6 and so it feels like we are ships passing in the night.. I get your point about family dinners

I agree with others. Drop your child off and then go for a walk or a coffee before going home.

Cheeky to ask him to be out of the house before you return from school run? It sounds like you just can’t tolerate the sight of him and just want him out the door so you don’t have to see him

If he has the luxury of being able to go into the office later than the norm why should he just leave because you want him out of the house

YABU - I don’t understand why it’s a problem if he’s still at home? His reasoning seems valid to me.
Can’t you go somewhere straight from school pickup like shopping or the gym?

I do get your point about family dinners but it doesn’t sound like leaving earlier would help if most of his work meetings start later. Couldn’t you compromise by shifting dinner 30 minutes later and he commits to be home in time 2 days a week?

This is one of those situations where you can change only what you have control over, so:

• Don't go to bed on an argument so you don't need space in the morning - that's such an old, but a good truism
• If he owns his own business then he gets to set his own work routine and it's not fair for you to alter that if he is working hard and bringing in money
• If he's late consistently for dinner, then between you, you either agree to alter the time a few nights a week, or if he's going to be consistently late he needs to tell you well in advance and make his own arrangements for eating in the evening - I say this without making any judgement on either side as I don't know if his work is unpredictable or if either of you could be a bit more flexible as regards when you eat
• If you want more headspace in the morning then you can take yourself off somewhere else like to a cafe once you've done the school drop - it might be a bit different if you were looking after another child at home, but as you are not you have flexibility and can go elsewhere yourself to avoid spending time with him before he goes to work (although even as I type it, that sounds unhealthy in and of itself).

So, sorry, yes overall YABU.

feck that. No one would tell me to leave my own house that I work to pay for. You leave if you want to.

He works.

He provides all the finances for the family.

But YOU get to control the hours he works and what time he leaves to suit your day?

So the school run and either go and do a job if your own or go for a walk and come home later if him being in his own house bothers you that much.

Are you concerned he will judge what you do at home? Or you really have those issues you need to think about every single day?

I wouldn't want to go to work earlier than I needed to either. Perhaps you need to go straight to the gym or work yourself to give that distance you think you need and let him enjoy some time alone at home.

The beauty of having his own business is the flexibility it offers not working for an employer and being able to set his own hours.
I get you would like him home for family teas and I would focus on wanting to see him at home - rather than why are you still in the house when I come home.

I think you have a nerve to tell him you want him out of the house by the time you come home - it is his home. What are you doing all day when the 5 year old is at school that you can't do with him there?His time keeping is under his control - he is his own boss.

Growing apart since childbirth - if the childbirth was the one 5 years ago is pretty major and I would focus on sorting that out which you can't do with him not there.