Long term relationship so unhappy

[UniquePeachUser]

hi everyone

I just feel so fed up and unhappy, been in a long term relationship for 21 years got 2 young children and we are engaged but I just can’t see us ever getting married. I know deep down it’s not the right relationship for either of us, we got together young and are just totally different people now and I’m starting to worry about wasting many more years together and then thinking about the future when the kids have grown up what life will be like.
we don’t spend any time together other than with the kids, we have nothing in common, we get along ok but that’s about it. He won’t come to any events or anything with me so I tend to go alone. I do things with friends but I want a partner I can do these things with too.
I just feel so lost as I don’t want to split up for the sake of the kids and all the mess that will come with it having to move etc I don’t even know if I could afford to live on my own but I’m only in my 30s and just feel like I don’t want this for the rest of my life but also don’t want to make the kids unhappy either.

its such a horrible feelings has anyone else been in this position and have any advice they can give me?
counselling isn’t an option it’s not something either of us want to do and we haven’t had this open conversation about how I really feel as I’m scared to because I know he’s probably not happy but I don’t think he feels like me where he wants to split up. I’m scared if I say how I actually feel there’s no going back from it.
we have sex now and again but I only do it because I feel I have to for his sake not because I actually want to and I just don’t know how long I can carry on like this I just feel like I’m living a lie and pretending to everyone that everything is ok when it’s not deep down.
it’s just getting me down now and I feel like it’s affecting how I am as a mum too I just feel so lost and confused so would appreciate any help or advice thank you

You seem to have painted yourself into a corner: you don't want counselling, you don't want to talk, you don't want to leave but you're lonely, having sex you don't want and deeply unhappy.

How about you do some research? Look into finances including benefits should you be on your own and look into the housing situation.

If you don't want to split up the family can you reach a compromise and live separate lives? Can you carve out a social life for yourself? Can you retrain for a better paid career?

Agree with above. I thought I was trapped too until I started looking into the traps more carefully.

Check out benefits including housing and childcare costs. Maybe even cms.
If mortgaged then check out house value on rightmove, and figure out the equity left. Half of it should be yours, possibly more if you have the kids permanently.

I'm disabled so I looked closer at what would make my life easier and found out supermarkets have pre chopped veg. Pharmacies deliver meds. Airfryers exist. It was an absolute relevant tbh.

Children need at least one happy parent. Two unhappy parents living together is going to harm them more than 2 addresses. I mean harm as in needing therapy btw.

I wonder if you are feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed so maybe have a chat with your GP. You might even be able to access a short counselling course just for yourself to help you focus on what you really want.

Remember this - if you do nothing at all you could have another 40 years of this. Better to break away now than in 39 years when you both retire

Don't stay 'for the children', that fucks them up. Two separated happy parents is much better than two miserable, resentful parents together. Children model adult behaviour, is this what you want them to learn?

Op, think about what you can do, so you have hit the nail on the head, you know how you feel, but what are you going to do, thats it,

1/ live this life, lonely and empty, that's really sad for you and children, you stated, you have nothing in common, you don't do anything together, your going through the motions,

2/ what you can do, start by looking at finances, housing could you and children stay in the family home??
You need to tell partner how you feel, it's not working, for as painful as it is you shouldn't live this miserable life, no doubt he feels the same, it's the doing something about it, and yes it's a massive step but think we're you could be ( happy with yourself and children)
Loneliness is ewful when you live with someone, children will adjust and thrive , take the positives and run with them because the negatives will drag you down otherwise, happiness and contentment isn't alot to ask of yourself op,

21 years, 2 kids, no marriage.... Not gonna lie,I said 'well , no shit!' when you said marriage would probably never happen. Hes a loser and a user. And you've sat on your hands and let it happen.

Sorry to be harsh op but stop fannying around and get out of this dumpster fire already.

Start looking into your options and money you are entitled to. Make a plan and take the steps. You'll also get child support probably.

Stop wasting your life.
Your kids don't deserve to be raised in a depressing home with a poor example of what relationships should look like. Life is too short.

What you need to do is make a decision and then act on it.

Either stay and throw everything you have into counselling, reconnecting, being good together, reigniting the spark etc

Or leave and be resolute and, although it’ll be rough, make plans for finances and a home and a schedule of contact for the kids and CMS etc.

The worst thing you could do is carry on what you’re doing now where you’re emotionally and mentally checked out of the relationship but you plod on miserably every day without making any progress nor any changes.

Do not visualize codependency as amazing it's not. My marriage i did and wrnt everywhere alone with kids. I have a bf now who wants to do everything together and I find it stiffling

So you have admitted it out loud here that you have grown apart and you aren’t happy.

That’s the first step.

Get all financial info together and go and see a solicitor to see what separating will mean. They can help draw up a separation agreement.

Do you have joint assets/mortgage?

You can sit on this info for as long as you want to before taking the next step which will be telling your partner that you want to separate and what you would like that to look like. He may not be at all surprised. He’s likely to feel the same perhaps.

Then bit by bit things will move on and one day you will be out the other side happier and hopefully being good coparents.

💐

There’s definitely a happy medium somewhere between ‘nothing in common don’t do anything together’ and in each other’s pockets 24/7, matching M&S PJs(🤮).
But it sounds like you’ve got no feelings left and as others have said - kids will probably be better off with parents who are not positively unhappy together. Make a plan. Take the break you need and take this weight off your shoulders

Counselling for you alone . Just you. Six sessions. Start with what you say here on the " so why are you here" conversation.

Or a life coach of that sounds better for you