New boyfriend critical of his own children. Is this a red flag?

[BWJA921]

Have been seeing man for 5 months (we've been friends for years) we both have 2 teenage children each and before we got together romantically, we'd all meet annually for weekend breaks. We are both in our 50s. New man is wonderful - attentive, emotionally intelligent, funny and caring - i have never felt more seen and understood. We've just come back from weekend with both sets of children (first time seeing them as a newly formed couple). I noticed his parenting style and relationship with his children is very different to my own - they were all quite negative towards eachother, sarcastic and he regularly nagged at them. I'm quite opposite - a "gentle parent" I guess. For the record, he was so kind to my children and went to such effort to make us feel comfortable.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting - maybe need reassurance. Please be gentle with me.

• We have no plans to have children of our own (thank you menopause)
• Meet ups with both sets of children will be once or twice a year (max)
• I didnt notice this behaviour when we met before - but maybe I wasn't looking.
• Is this a red flag?

Can you give a specific example?

I think it’s difficult to say without examples. Some families have more of a piss-taking, jokey dynamic but it’s done with great affection. Other times it is a destructive and mean pattern designed to undermine people.

Did you feel he was unkind towards his children?

How often does he see them?

Are they boys by any chance and was this perhaps just some man banter and you don’t know them well enough to get it yet sort of thing?
I know if someone new sat at our family dinner table, you need to know the family dynamics to understand that’s it’s just the way they sort of grown up play …. Wind each other up etc and it’s really great to watch but only if you know them like I do and know that’s it’s just their thing?

Without examples it’s quite hard to gauge. To outsiders my siblings and I would probably be considered borderline abusive to each other. We have lots of sarcastic in jokes, lots of teasing but we love each other fiercely and are each others staunchest defenders. Our relationships are heavily “banter” based (but never unkind)

I think as others say, examples would help

I have a very piss takey relationship with my parents. They call me fish face and rude names, make sarcastic comments all the time

But I know they would go to the ends of the earth for me and have done. I have a health condition and whenever I have a flair up, my dad is often letting himself in with my favourite snacks, magazines and offering to sit and watch something with me to keep me company

But if a stranger listened to our conversations they would probably think we hate each other!

If he was ‘so kind’ to your children why was he not to his own? If his behaviour was completely different I might be concerned eg maybe he was being false/putting on a front (I know someone like that) although I agree it is hard to say.

To be fair I would see a “gentle parent “ as a red flag!!

Gentle parenting usually means no boundaries and too busy trying to be their friend where as nagging ( setting boundaries) and sarcasm sounds positive without specific examples

Isn't it a bit soon to start being around one another's children at five months, even if they are teenagers?

In response to your question, I agree with PPs, it's impossible to say without specific examples. It's also possible he's scratching his head about your 'gentle parenting'.

Are you sure that isn’t just how they interact. I never particularly nagged my now grown up children but our family sense of humour involves a lot of taking the piss out of each other. It could probably look quite mean to outsiders but we are a very close family.

I think this would put me off a bit OP. I really dislike a negative atmosphere and unnecessary unkindness. I wouldn't call it a red flag exactly, but definitely something to think about before making any big decisions or commitments.

Personally I hate sarcasm - it’s just a form of passive aggression, so that would really annoy me after a while in their company and yes, I would probably see him differently.

Haven't you known him for years, though? Did you not notice anything before?

I'd judge it by age and how the DC are being. If they're teens and it's all jokingly done and they're doing it back then that's very different to if they're seeming embarrassed or younger.

Also nagging wouldn't put me off within reason. I'd prefer them to be picked up on things than him not bothering and just doing everything himself to avoid teaching them responsibilities.

I think I'd need examples to know this was an issue. Is he actually unkind? Or do you just not really understand the sarcastic vibe they have as a family? Some families are sarcastic and take the piss out of each other and that's just how they are.

My family are all kind and loving people and we have a ton of affection for each other. My parents were/are brilliant, affectionate parents and loved us very much, and we knew that. But we're all quite sarcastic with each other and I would absolutely not describe my parents as proponents of the gentle parenting technique. Everyone in my family is kind and warm and we get on well and laugh a lot together. But I can tell from the way some people talk about interactions on Mumsnet that not everyone would 'get' that. I once mentioned on here that the default response in my family to someone, eg, being the only one to know an answer to a difficult quiz question would be 'Yeah, all right, bighead' and got told by a Mumsnet that we must be a horrible toxic family who are cruel to each other.

Of course sarcasm can be cruel and unkind, but it doesn't have to be.

If your boyfriend is actually unkind to his kids and they seemed unhappy or upset, that's obviously different.

Thanks for all the comments. Judging by all the posts I might be reading too much into it. I don't think he's doing it to undermine his children and there were moments of real affection. His children are very different from my own so his approach is different. It's not my preferred way of communicating but it's not my family and therefore not my business.

Tricky! You only have a snapshot so far.

How does he speak about his children to you (and others)?

Also, depends on age, a bit, I think. If they are youngers teens, he might be used to having to cajole them a bit. Could it be that he felt a little anxious about things at the weekend, conscious of them being on their best behavior, not wanting to hold other people in the group up, etc.?

Your relationship with your dc sounds very similar to mine, pretty laid back.

'there were moments of real affection.' @BWJA921 a very positive sign.