Would you tell them what you thought of them?

[sweatervest]

Has anyone written a letter to a narcissistic abusive controlling lying piece of shit ex and told them what you thought of them? it's been over three years since thank god it ended and I am REALLY toying with the idea of "dear x. you are a big fat c**t and you ruined my life and mmy children's life. you'll probably say you've forgotten who i am but i have not forgotten and i want you to know that three years after it finished i still have as much hate for you now as i did then"

i realise it would be chucked straight in the bin OR it might get shown to his family who would probably then berate me for sending it. but i'm REALLY fucked off and being in a new relationship has made everything clearer for me and even though i'm massively grateful to be alive i am now stuck on letter-gate.

whoever he showed the letter to would be appalled that i was so horrible to him in writing. they'd totally be on his side. which would tell me all i need to know tbh so i am zero shits given about anyone's reaction to it. is it a really bad idea? i don't know what to do.

I think I'd be tempted. Have thought of doing that myself from time to time but don't want to complicate matters as children involved. Maybe write it, print it out and stick it on your wall instead of sending it?

Yes very bad idea

1. could be used against you in some way , maybe considered harrsssment it could be posted on facebook and make you look unhinged

2. bit sad to be still upset after 3 years and it lacks dignity

3. may even give him glee that you are still not over him and hung up on him

4. he won’t care

Not after this length of time no , he will be pleased you are giving him head space . Write it , burn it and move on

Write the letter, call him every name under the sun and tell him exactly how he hurt you. Then tear up the letter and move on.

Stop giving them headspace, which is what a letter would be doing. Move on.

The best advice I’ve ever read in this context is to write it and burn it. Watch the smoke rise and feel cleansed.

Preserve your dignity. Climb higher and enjoy that you have happily moved on.

Be the best you can be. What goes around comes around. He’ll get his come-uppance one fine day. Be patient. You’ll see.

Write, burn, move on. At this point you’re the one ruining your life with this not him…. Don’t let him control you like this from now on.

thanks for the advice. i won't do it i don't think having read the replies. the ptsd is constant and even words are massive triggers and something reallllly triggered me today so i thought i'd tell him what i thought of him but i won't. my children have been affected massively and he wasn't their dad so that's a relief for them i guess.

Yup, a bad idea to give him “she’s so obsessed with me” ammunition.

It does fade over time, but it sounds a bit like you are stuck. Maybe write the letter in an online journal. Or “the letter you’d want him to understand.” That’s the crux of it though, you would be writing to him in a language he doesn’t understand. Where you write “you’re such a cunt” he reads “I still spend my time thinking about you.” Where you write “you ruined my life” he reads “I’m mental and take no responsibility for my own actions, even years later.”

he doesn’t hear you, he doesn’t care, he never really did, and he definitely won’t in the future. It’s pissing in the wind and he will be laughing at you.

Can you do something else instead
dartboard , paint a picture if him them burn it
witch craft ritual ?
Axe throwing

write a novel with him as a character who comes to a very stick end

basically anything but writing to him

Dartboard, definitely!

Write it and burn it. Don’t send it to him. He’ll either bin it, laugh at it, or use it as an excuse to resume contact. The writing and burning was very therapeutic and helped me let go.

I'm having a massive "pretty much I would let Gemma know that she is a fat cunt" train of thought. Tiffany Pollard etc etc.

I am not going to buy a stamp to write to the utter piece of bilge that he is but I will manifest nice things for me and try and act normal etc etc

I completely know how you feel OP. But no don’t do it! He’ll love the fact that you’re still thinking about him, it will feed his ego and it’s giving him the attention that he crazes. Don’t give him any excuse to make contact with you. It won’t change anything for you as it will never be acknowledged. So as others have said write it down for yourself but not him

Id never give anyone the satisfaction of thinking they ruined my life, least of all a narcissist who won't care anyway

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. He'd probably think you were still holding a candle. When you really don't care one way or the other about someone you know your done.

Trust me, he knows what he did and what he is. He'd be delighted to know you're still thinking of him and that he had such a profound effect on you. The best thing you can do is be silent. Let him think he's irrelevant to you.

Thank you all so much!!! The big fat cnnt is getting nothing from me no no never nothing. Thank you again.

@sweatervest I cannot emphasise how much you should NOT ever contact this person ever ever ever again.

Narcissists do not care that they hurt you but they do LOVE knowing they are still in your head. That is their addiction. It is like bad press for a business, good or bad is always good. Do NOT let this person know you even think about them again. Never. Seriously this is what they feed off, give them NOTHING.

I resound what everybody else has said.

The fact that so many years down the line, he knows you are still thinking of him and his actions are still getting to you, will cause him nothing but happiness and fuel his ways.

If needs be, write the letter as a release but don't send it. As somebody who's been in several relationships with narcissists, I can't emphasise enough how important it is to take the higher ground and not contact them again.

Agree with others - a narcissist would be delighted that you’re still bothered by him. The biggest insult you can give him is to be indifferent and to forget about him. They HATE not having attention. So write the letter but don’t send it. He’ll love it if you do.

In the words of Taylor Swift 'I forgot that you existed'. That'll really get to them! She's so funny in that song.

Write it, put your heart and soul into it, but then burn it! Cathartic!

Glad you’re not to send him a letter. He would’ve been absolutely thrilled by it. That’s how narcissists are.