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Original poster

My birthday...

17 replies

FeelingBlueHowAboutYou · 10/04/2025 20:34

It's my birthday next week. I'll be 50.

I've really struggled for the last couple of years. Not with getting older (I don't think). I don't feel old and I don't think I look it but I've lost all my zest for life.

I had an evening out planned to celebrate on Saturday with my partner and our 4 adult children (2 each none shared). But I've pulled out citing exhaustion (it's a busy time at work and so this isn't beyond the realms of believability).

But the truth is that i dont celebrate or even acknowledge my birthday usually and the pressure of having to go out in a big group and have fun was too much.

I just don't feel I deserve it. I don't want any attention or pressure. I feel guilty about them giving up an evening doung something they'drather do. I just want to go to bed and forget about it.

They're still going out together which I'm happier with but I always have this feeling that people will have a better time without me. I feel guilty for taking up people's time.

I've come to bed early tonight because I think my partner has a better time when I'm not there. It all weighs very heavily.

My birthday always makes me feel like this. Its always worse on 'big birthdays' because people assume you'll be doing something special.

I just hate it.

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 10/04/2025 20:39

If they are going anyway I would just go on the meal. Decide on the day.
Your family think you are important enough.
On my birthday I went on a dog walk with my partner in the morning because it was such a busy month I wanted a quiet, peaceful morning. Then one friend wanted to meet up (not specifically that day) and we ended up going to the pub on my birthday evening just the 2 of us. Are there any little things that would make you happy? If so just do them. It is just a day but you do deserve to do something that makes you happy even if it’s something small if that’s what you would prefer.

Backagainformorepunishment · 10/04/2025 20:46

I must say I think it's natural not to be bothered about celebrating birthdays as you get older.

But it sounds as though your self esteem is pretty low if you think everyone has a better time without you. Not helped by them going out together on what should have been your birthday celebration! I think that is very peculiar. If you didn't want to go on the planned celebration why didn't they scrap that and perhaps something much more low key planned which you might have liked.

If you feel your partner usually has a better time without you is this something to do with his manner towards you, or the way he behaves when you are out together?

SolielMoonSky · 10/04/2025 20:48

I am like this around my birthday, and it’s coming up to my fortieth 😬
But I’m a lifelong depressive and it fits with my personality.
Are you like this generally or just around birthdays?

Original poster
FeelingBlueHowAboutYou · 10/04/2025 20:49

Thank you.

It's not a meal and not something I could just turn up to because it has to be prebooked for the exact numbers. More of an activity followed by drinks. I could turn up to some of it but I don't want to. I just feel, I don't know. Unnecessary maybe. Self conscious.

All I can imagine doing at the moment is having an early night with some lit candles on my own and being able to take up all the bed.

I just find I increasingly want to be on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingBlueHowAboutYou · 10/04/2025 20:53

Backagainformorepunishment · 10/04/2025 20:46

I must say I think it's natural not to be bothered about celebrating birthdays as you get older.

But it sounds as though your self esteem is pretty low if you think everyone has a better time without you. Not helped by them going out together on what should have been your birthday celebration! I think that is very peculiar. If you didn't want to go on the planned celebration why didn't they scrap that and perhaps something much more low key planned which you might have liked.

If you feel your partner usually has a better time without you is this something to do with his manner towards you, or the way he behaves when you are out together?

No, I want them to go. I want them to have a good time and they will do. If I were there, I'd be worrying that they'd be giving a better time if I weren't there.

I wouldn't want them to scrap the idea and do something else. Besides, what they're doing is something I'd enjoy in any other circumstance.

I'm more comfortable with the thought of them going out without me but because it's my birthday. It'll be a good opportunity for them to have a night out.

I've not celebrated my birthday or even really acknowledged it since I was a teenager.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingBlueHowAboutYou · 10/04/2025 20:57

SolielMoonSky · 10/04/2025 20:48

I am like this around my birthday, and it’s coming up to my fortieth 😬
But I’m a lifelong depressive and it fits with my personality.
Are you like this generally or just around birthdays?

It's been worse over the past couple of years.

I feel like I occupy too much space in the world. I just don't feel I offer anything of any real value.

I have a positive impact at work and I'm a good mother and have a great relationship with my children but I feel, I don't know, guilty maybe for not being more.

OP posts:
SolielMoonSky · 10/04/2025 21:01

That’s really sad to read. Could you be depressed? Maybe make an appointment with your GP.

Backagainformorepunishment · 10/04/2025 21:02

FeelingBlueHowAboutYou · 10/04/2025 20:53

No, I want them to go. I want them to have a good time and they will do. If I were there, I'd be worrying that they'd be giving a better time if I weren't there.

I wouldn't want them to scrap the idea and do something else. Besides, what they're doing is something I'd enjoy in any other circumstance.

I'm more comfortable with the thought of them going out without me but because it's my birthday. It'll be a good opportunity for them to have a night out.

I've not celebrated my birthday or even really acknowledged it since I was a teenager.

Show quote history

You might want them to go out OP but to an outsider the fact they are comfortable and happy to go out without you to have a good time on your birthday comes over as them being extremely uncaring and selfish!
It sounds as though they don't give a damn about you and no wonder your self esteem is so low if this is the normal family dynamic.

Original poster
FeelingBlueHowAboutYou · 10/04/2025 21:13

Backagainformorepunishment · 10/04/2025 21:02

You might want them to go out OP but to an outsider the fact they are comfortable and happy to go out without you to have a good time on your birthday comes over as them being extremely uncaring and selfish!
It sounds as though they don't give a damn about you and no wonder your self esteem is so low if this is the normal family dynamic.

Show quote history

I see the point you are making but the way I see it, they are just carrying on with the original plans. It's me who changed it and I don't want fuss so it feels preferable like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingBlueHowAboutYou · 10/04/2025 21:14

It's not my birthday on Saturday for clarity. But that's when we'd planned to go out.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingBlueHowAboutYou · 10/04/2025 21:17

SolielMoonSky · 10/04/2025 21:01

That’s really sad to read. Could you be depressed? Maybe make an appointment with your GP.

No. I'm not depressed.

I spend all day at work genuinely happy and bouncy and positive. I love my job and I'm happy in it (most of the time).

It's me I'm not happy with.

I think I get my self worth/esteem from having a positive impact and, if I don't feel I'm having that, I'd rather step back.

OP posts:
SolielMoonSky · 10/04/2025 21:28

I don’t think it’s healthy to have such low self esteem all the same.
You could try therapy if it’s something you want to work on, but it’s not really clear from your posts whether you want to or not.
In itself I don’t think it’s a big deal, it’s a personal choice, but the rest sounds a bit worrying tbh.

Richandstrange · 10/04/2025 22:56

Where are you in terms of menopause/perimenopause if you don't mind me asking OP? I'm not suggesting it's the whole problem but at 50yo the fall in hormone levels might be at least partly responsible for your low mood. I agree with PP's that you should do what you want to do on your birthday, even if that's chilling in bed on your own which sounds blissful to me!.

Original poster
FeelingBlueHowAboutYou · 11/04/2025 07:23

Richandstrange

No idea.

My periods are regular as clockwork and no different really.

OP posts:
Richandstrange · 11/04/2025 11:41

Might be worth a chat with your GP anyway OP, you do sound quite down Flowers

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 16/04/2025 16:36

Richandstrange · 10/04/2025 22:56

Where are you in terms of menopause/perimenopause if you don't mind me asking OP? I'm not suggesting it's the whole problem but at 50yo the fall in hormone levels might be at least partly responsible for your low mood. I agree with PP's that you should do what you want to do on your birthday, even if that's chilling in bed on your own which sounds blissful to me!.

I was going to suggest this. My get up and go got up and left when I entered peri. I get burnt out really easily too. I get so tired, I spend a lot of my time alone. Worth investigating @FeelingBlueHowAboutYou

Celynfour · 16/04/2025 16:40

I’m also going to say don’t rule out unexpected side effects of peri menopause / menopause . It changes how we feel , see and interact with the world and our lives.

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