How to deal with flaky friend

[FinallyPregnant2022]

Best friend of 25+yrs we are now 36 and both married with kids.
She’s always had issues - social anxiety, might be undiagnosed ASD? Her partner can come accross as controlling (but overall he’s a good guy), neither of them are particularly social and so in certain ways I feel they hold each back/don’t encourage each other socially etc.

Love her to bits and love spending time with her. Over the years I’ve done my best to support/encourage but last few years life has got busy for me and I’ve become a bit more laid back.

She is going through a terribly flaky patch….other friends are getting frustrated. Is something’s wrong she isn’t communicating = we can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on.

Any tips on how to deal with this, I can stand back/support but there comes a point where I need a friend too.

When you say she is "flaky", what do you mean?
Flaky to me is someone who'd agree or make plans to go out/see you, but repeatedly cancels or doesn't show up. Or who changes their mind a lot.
However, if she is just not very social (or not social enough to your liking) that's a you-problem. She's clearly happy the way things are with minimal contact, she doesn't owe anyone an explanation and shouldn't be pushed to socialise if she doesn't want to.

Yes she is flaky in the way you describe….but also not very social!
I think your spin on things is quite interesting - I guess my expectations are geared to social norms and I sort of hope that she would want to see us and spend time with us. I really don’t want to give up on her but effort feels very one sided and its tiring - I’m not a needy person but there are times when I need a friend too.

You mention in passing that her partner is controlling...could be him pulling the social ( lack of) strings?

Just hold back a bit if one sided efforts. I feel like that too. You get tired doing the running. Few friends work full time so not much spare time either. But needs be 2 way efforts