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Original poster

Do some men just not consider the future at all?

28 replies

Presentingme · 10/04/2025 20:16

As a 39F I just find this bizarre.

I have just broken it off with my boyfriend (40yo). We hadn't been together long (about 6 months) because he's a self-confessed Peter Pan character who 'lives for the moment', 'focuses on fun and lightness' and 'has a youthful mindset' so on.
Now I'm writing this down I'm starting to realise how bullshitty this all sounds 😅
He never moved out and still Iives with his parents. He has no pension, no home of his own, no substantial savings etc. When I started asking him what his long term plans were, as I have been increasingly focusing on being financially secure for my retirement and am about to buy my own place, he got angry and accused me of being like all his exes, who got frustrated at him for not progressing the relationship (i.e. moving in together).

I don't want to move in with him and this is all he's offered. I am too old to move in with his parents and can afford my own place! I have flatly refused to have him move into mine - I've been on Mumsnet long enough to know just how bad an idea this is. And he refuses to get a better paying job and pay his own rent etc. as he sees it as a waste of time, effort and money.

Here's the pinch. I miss him hugely. We got on well, except for our fundamentally differing attitudes towards financial security. I know however that it's just never going to work while he remains stuck in life.

Are a lot of single men like this at this age or have I just been unlucky in getting close to this one? :(

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 10/04/2025 20:23

I don’t think the majority of men are like that. My son moved out at 16 and is saving up for his first house (he is now 18.)
My younger son got a job at 15. They are now paying for him to do a qualification to continue working there. He will leave home at 18 to go to uni.

I would be very surprised if either of them wanted to live with me in their 30s/ 40’s. Obviously fine if they were going through a separation lost their job or became unwell. They would always be welcome but I don’t see it being something they would do on purpose due to laziness, which it sounds like is the case with the man you were dating. You don’t sound compatible long term so best to end it sooner rather than later. It’s obviously an ongoing issue with him and partners.

Mumlaplomb · 10/04/2025 20:53

I don’t really know any men in their forties living with their parents to be honest. I have a colleague in his thirties who has moved back from London and is living with his parents but he is single and has a good job so imagine he will move out when he gets a partner or feels the time is right. I think your ex is a case of “failure to launch”.

5128gap · 10/04/2025 21:15

Its the fact that he still lives at home, stress free, spends his disposable income how he chooses with no boring spending, that means he can be the relaxed, fun, young at heart guy you like and miss. People will be critical but if he's happy and has dodged the grind of adult life without exploiting anyone, then fair play to him. I'm sure he does feel great and I'm sure with a mortgage and bills round his neck he'd be a lot more stressed and miserable. Point being, the man you like is the man you like because he lives a lifestyle you don't like. Try to change him and you'd probably like him less. So there's no resolve but to move on, or carry on dating him with no plans for the future.

RedToothBrush · 10/04/2025 21:21

He's looking for a replacement mum who will keep him comfortable and allow him to do the sum total of fuck all.

It's easy for him to be the fun guy you miss when mummy washes his pants and provides for him.

Being the mummy replacement is less fun for you. Remember this every time you get a feeling of missing him. This would have been your future.

RuffledKestrel · 10/04/2025 21:22

And here was me thinking "oh I've been with one of them!" The guys who only buy enough food for their next meal, not thinking they could buy the slightly bigger pack of chicken and it would do two meals!
Or when they wash the floors before dusting/cleaning the surfaces 😅

Yours sounds a whole lot worse to deal with! Good job on leaving him, he won't change and would end up frustrating you each and every day.

rebmacesrevda · 10/04/2025 21:26

I know several men in their 40s like this. Not actually living with their folks, but very immature in all other ways. I had a 40yo boyfriend who had never cooked and didn’t see the point in trying to learn. He lived off breakfast cereal and biscuits. Another one slept on a broken futon with a single duvet with a cartoon duvet cover. His flat was filthy and he had no curtains. Both really good fun and very charming, of course!

I guess your ex is expecting an inheritance (including his house!) so isn’t worried about a pension. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but that degree of immaturity is really ingrained. Sounds like he’s left a trail of infuriated women in his wake. Maybe add “must live independently” to your list of requirements before you get attached to the next one!

Oblomov25 · 10/04/2025 21:42

More importantly, you need to ask yourself why on earth you went out with him in the first place, or why your people reading skills are so poor it took you 6 months to realise.

Bittenonce · 10/04/2025 21:45

I only knew one guy like this. He’s now over 50, mum still cooking and cleaning for him. He’ll never move or change. Don’t get me wrong, really nice chap - but - for him, women are for sex and doing the chores.
So your guy isn’t unique, but definitely unusual, definitely no future in it unless you want to be his Mum with benefits.
Breaking up is never fun but you’re right to not waste your life here.

outerspacepotato · 10/04/2025 21:51

It sounds like he's a failure to launch.

When you miss him, think about how he's looking for a new mom to take care of him.

No, I don't know any men like that. I live in a city where you have to be rich or grind to live.

FightingFish · 10/04/2025 22:01

I listened to a radio phone in on this topic today (Shelia Fogarty on LBC). It seems to be a growing trend, one father called in about his three sons aged 35 - 50 that wouldn’t move out, it is quite an amusing listen. A 40 year old still living with his parents is a turn off imo.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/04/2025 22:03

No he’s not normal or typical or whatever. Definitely a weirdo
So it’s good you’re moving on

NameChangedOfc · 10/04/2025 22:18

RedToothBrush · 10/04/2025 21:21

He's looking for a replacement mum who will keep him comfortable and allow him to do the sum total of fuck all.

It's easy for him to be the fun guy you miss when mummy washes his pants and provides for him.

Being the mummy replacement is less fun for you. Remember this every time you get a feeling of missing him. This would have been your future.

Perfect diagnosis.

OP, I don't know many men like this one, but I know quite a few... 😗I think they have a kind of charm because, as the pp says, they can afford it as they aren't "burdened" by life's responsibilities. I'm fully inoculated against them, but I can see what you saw in him.
Anyway, you'll be luckier with the next one 😊

Gettingbysomehow · 10/04/2025 22:21

Most of the men I've gone out with have been like this. Complete waste of space. I have zero respect for them. They are usually liars too.

Original poster
Presentingme · 10/04/2025 22:25

I admit he hooked me with his chat before I found out about his living situation.

He can't understand why it's so important for me that he lives on his own before I invest time and energy - and my feelings! - in him. I can't verbalise it well, but there's something in me that just made me realise it won't work, even though it was so difficult to break it off.

OP posts:
Semiramide · 10/04/2025 22:34

I only knew one guy like this. He’s now over 50, mum still cooking and cleaning for him. He’ll never move or change

i wonder what he’ll do once his mum gets to old and frail to look after him…

Semiramide · 10/04/2025 22:39

I can't verbalise it well, but there's something in me that just made me realise it won't work

it means your nurse with a purse detector is working.

unfortunately too many women lack this essential tool, which is why so many men of this caliber land in a warm bed with full room and other free services on their feet

EmeraldRoulette · 10/04/2025 22:39

I could never have dated someone doing that

unless there's a compelling reason for it, I struggle to see how we'd be on the same wavelength

I don't understand how he hooked you with "chat". It would be such a turn off.

run far away. He probably wants someone to take over from his parents - and someone to sort care for his parents when the time comes.

Original poster
Presentingme · 10/04/2025 22:42

EmeraldRoulette · 10/04/2025 22:39

I could never have dated someone doing that

unless there's a compelling reason for it, I struggle to see how we'd be on the same wavelength

I don't understand how he hooked you with "chat". It would be such a turn off.

run far away. He probably wants someone to take over from his parents - and someone to sort care for his parents when the time comes.

We have very similar backgrounds. I socialise a lot, and I've got friends all round the country (have moved a lot too) and I haven't met anyone with such a similar origin story to mine. I guess this may have blinkered me. He's also intelligent and funny. It just all seems like such a waste of potential! I know I'm a fixer/nurse type though so seeking therapy for that.

Edit to add: yes, the thought of his aging parents not being around does depress him, but he phrases it more in a "I'll have noone left" rather than a "there will be noone left to take care of me" way.

I've got a female friend who is also extremely close to her parents and says similar things, but she is keen to live independently and socialise lots...

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 10/04/2025 22:50

@Presentingme you also say he hasn't got substantial savings

He should have loads of savings! He's not a proper functioning adult.

editing again to add - I used to have a friend like this. She actually caused loads of issues for her parents by refusing to move out. It's one friendship I ended up having to let go off because she was also flaky and unreliable.

She was also looking for a partner. I don't think she would've moved out of the parental home without a partner. She got very upset when anyone dared to suggest it might be putting off potential partners.

She also properly freaked out if anyone ever mentioned anything about health issues in people say over 70. She just could not imagine her life without them. It's one thing to be close, but this is problematic.

Also like your ex, I think her real issue was she wanted to know who was going to look after her!

EmeraldRoulette · 10/04/2025 22:56

*of not off

ran out of editing time

BlondeMummyto1 · 10/04/2025 22:59

It always astounds me that men like this never have any savings or plans for the future when they have had 20 years to think about it.

I moved out at 22 but if I hadn’t I would have saved like crazy.

Semiramide · 10/04/2025 23:02

the thought of his aging parents not being around does depress him, but he phrases it more in a "I'll have noone left" rather than a "there will be noone left to take care of me" way.

so he is not actually thinking that one day it might be his turn to look after them..

a real catch! 🤔

Ellmau · 10/04/2025 23:11

Well, you found out why he's single, didn't you?

lolstevelol · 11/04/2025 06:25

I do not understand how you could you be 40 and living with parents the whole time and not have a pension or substantial saving nest. That is a massive red flag.

StartAnew · 11/04/2025 07:24

If you are happy with him and don’t want or need to share a home with him, and don’t want children, why not enjoy what he can offer? His lack of interest in financial security would matter a lot if you wanted to raise a family but as things are, it could be quite refreshing.