Want to meet someone, but also feel I need to be alone?

[whatwaytoturn]

I’ll try and summarise this as best as possible without this turning into a novel!

Ex-DH and I split nearly 3 years ago following a 14 year relationship. The split rocked my world because he cheated and lied in ways I never believed he would have been capable of (I thought he was one of the good guys)

I took a year out from men to “rebuild” myself. But in truth I was pretty much single handedly raising two babies alone, so I was just treading water really.

I then met a man, through similar social circles. The fact I knew him meant I felt safer having him in my home (when the children were asleep) and to be honest the convenience of this was a major factor. This rolled on for 18 or so months however as it played out it became evident he was very toxic, dishonest, cheated, gaslighted etc etc. We broke up 3 months ago and I have blocked him on everything.

Since splitting with my ex-DH I have managed to somehow juggle lots of plates, bought a house for me and the kids, managed a busy career and a promotion at work… but I won’t lie, some days are just keeping my head above water so long as the kids are ok.

What I find I struggle with, is at night when the kids are in bed, or when they go with their Dad every other weekend… I feel pangs of loneliness and feeling like I’d love to be with someone. I also miss sex and intimacy.

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy from OLD recently… and I just feel like I can’t be bothered! Yet, he would likely offer the things I say I want when I’m feeling alone, day to day… I just don’t know if I have any gas left in the tank to invest in a relationship, or is this just not the right man for me?

I know this sounds silly. But I’m late 30s, in good shape and reasonably attractive. But I’m possibly peri-menopausal and I’m worried that I need to meet someone sooner rather than later, I have seen so many threads from women in their 40s saying they feel pushed out of the dating market after a certain age.

FWIW I can financially support myself and do not want any more children.

Can anyone offer some pearls of wisdom about how to approach this? Do I keep dating, or do I just accept this is a season in my life where I need to embrace being single…

I then met a man, through similar social circles. The fact I knew him meant I felt safer having him in my home (when the children were asleep

Why are you putting a relationship above your kids welfare?

Of course they could have woken up at any time while entertaining this man.

I'm a solo mum, never would I have compromised my kids safety over any man in my house.

It is what it is. Your kids come first.

as it played out it became evident he was very toxic, dishonest, cheated, gaslighted etc etc.

Quelle surprise. 🙄

Stop bringing random men into your children’s home. Date them when they’re with their father. I don’t care how well you thought you knew him, you were clearly wrong. Pedo’s are even better hidden, unless you mean to say you’ll sleep with one eye open always.

Buy a vibrator.

I’m doing the same and it’s perfectly doable and safer for all of you, and I don’t just mean physically.

Sorry I possibly didn’t word that correctly. I had known him for years (8+) but obviously due to being married hadn’t “met” him in a romantic sense.

He didn’t meet my children until we had been dating a year and I had met his children too. I appreciate I made it sound like a friends with benefits situation but it was a relationship, what I meant was that I was able to see more of him on account of the fact I allowed him into my home (I have minimal childcare outside of the kids being with their Dad).

Hes the only man who has ever stepped foot in my home since I split with ex-DH and I intend to keep it that way for some time.

I really wouldn’t worry about a relationship right now, far better to take some time for your kids, build up your confidence and get comfortable with yourself. People meet at all different stages of life and if you are feeling panicked or like you have a time scale you are likely to attract unhealthy relationships. I speak from experience by the way having come out of a 12 year relationship with an 8 year old I rushed into dating and got swept up in what I now recognise as a rebound, completely unsuitable and even more manic than my ex! It was uncomfortable for me being single at first but a few months down the line I’m now feeling empowered and a sense of peace I haven’t felt in years. I’m really enjoying my child while he’s young and just think what will be will be in terms of relationships, I’d rather invest in my son, myself and my friendships. If someone was to enter my life now they would need to enhance my life rather than drain it! I wish you all the best you sound like a very capable person with a lot to be proud of x

Thanks @thecrispfiend(love your username by the way!) and congratulations on all you’ve achieved!

You’ve summarised it well- I feel “uncomfortable” being single, as all of my friends are in relationships (most of which I don’t envy for various reasons!) but I have moments where I feel at peace.

I totally agree that someone would have to enhance my life rather than drain it, and that’s how I feel. Equally I want to be able to enhance their life, but I am not sure I have it in me to do that, because my children/work/life take priority. It’s just in those moments of “quiet” where I think “Id love a cuddle with a man right now”.

I’ll keep holding out and embracing the single life and hoping the peace fully takes over. Thankyou

I never want a relationship again but have various people I meet up with if I want a cuddle, sex, night out, whatever. I can dip in and out when I need something. I find most of the time I don’t need anyone so it suits me.

@QueefQueen80sTruly! I envy you. I just don’t think I have what it takes to be in a FWB situation, I think I’d end up catching feelings and breaking my own heart. How do you do it/meet these people?

I do have feelings and enjoy feeling them, just don’t let myself get too attached. It helps having more than 1! It’s people I’ve met on nights out usually, don’t like apps. It keeps life exciting too without the suffocation and expectations of relationships.

Your life honestly sounds good. Why jeopardise this. I would put myself and the children first for a while to come.

Aha thanks I am a literal crisp fiend and enjoying eating them in bed now I’m single 🤣🤣

Yes, push through that discomfort as strength and peace are on the other side! You are still young and have loads of time to meet someone (if that’s what you decide you want) in the meantime have some fun! Xx

I am wondering if there can be a happy medium for you. If you’re missing some kind of closeness with people but don’t want to interfere with your kids lives do you think you could do something like starting a salsa class? You get some touch while you’re dancing, just reminds you you are connected to the human race, but it’s kind of boundaried And you keep your home to yourself. As your kids go to their dads you do have an opportunity to see somebody without it interfering with your home life, so that seems like it would be doable to if you’re feeling lonely.
I think it’s natural for people to want to connect sometimes and to have intimacy and closeness and feel beautiful in someone else’s eyes. Probably is hard to believe, but you have plenty of time.
I hope it works out for you one way or the other 🌺

Aww what a lovely response and some great points/ideas xx

I’m lucky enough to be happily married now but I sometimes look back at the 5+ years I was single and just lived with dc as halcyon days. I learned to be on my own and I was happy as a clam in my little home- and actually that’s what allowed me to meet and appreciate my now DH, and to not scare him off. In the years before I learned, too, to recognise red flags that I wouldn’t have seen before- men’s and also my unhealthy responses.

Take the time to learn to be alone. It’s a real gift, honestly- it won’t rule out you meeting someone else down the line, but don’t underestimate the power and the peace that come with being happy to be single.

Great post

No kids here, but otherwise in a very similar boat. Marriage that had become toxic, recently been dumped by a liar who probably cheated on me.

Hobbies and building friendships have been my saving grace over the last few years. Met lots of lovely people. I recommend Bumble for Friends and taking a class of some description. I'm building a lovely life for myself.

I'm mainly trying to get my head round how men have treated me and why I let them. I don't feel up to another relationship yet. Therapy has also been a gamechanger.

Just to send some solidarity - you've got this. You have everything you need to build a good life for yourself.

Hi

Just wanted to pop on and share a little update as some of the responses on here were very kind and enlightening

I went on a couple more dates with OLD guy. He didn’t put a foot wrong, totally lovely and respectful.

But something in my soul was telling me that this wasn’t the time to be with anyone. That I’ve spent years of my life seeking validation and love from men and now it’s time for me to find it for myself.

OLD guy was lovely about it all, and totally understanding when I said we couldn’t continue. Which, helped in some way to prove to me that there are good men out there who aren’t selfish and abusive as per my recent experiences.

So for now, I’m focusing on myself and rebuilding myself so I can be the strongest woman and Mum I can be. I can’t lie, when my children are with their Dad and I’m alone… it feels alien, but I’m determined to find peace with it.

Thanks to those of you who offered some really helpful words. ❤️