Husbands grief destroying our marriage

[Hopee25]

I’m so in need of some help and advice. Feel like we hit rock bottom.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We are from two different cultures, he is from South East Asian and im from Europe. Living in UK.
Due to language barriers we were only able to
interact with our families over then phone. I have a phone phobia and also because of the language barriers we had limited interactions with our families. My husband took this as a rejection from my part.
He only ever spoke to my mum maybe 2x over the phone throughout our marriage. I never made an issue out of it as I knew it’s not possible. We always had good times when being together in person.

The real problems started when our daughter was born. He wanted to bring his family over for the birth, we live in a small one bed flat and I felt bringing my mother in law, father in law, brother in law, sister in law to this tiny place with our newborn is too much. I’ve always said it it’s fine if they stay nearby in a Travelodge and come see us daily, etc, but no, I came out as the horrible person for not allowing them to stay in our flat.

Fast forward to now, I lost my dear mum almost 2 years ago. She never got to see her granddaughter, only very briefly before being admitted to the hospital. At this point we had flights booked to visit his family back home. I never was able to visit my mum in hospital, to hold her hands, even though her doctor was telling me she has bowel cancer and is poorly. Instead I was visiting his family, and according to him this waa the last chance for his father to get to know his granddaughter as he has Alzheimers. I left my mum to die, to fulfil his wishes. But I do understand our flight tickets were booked well in advance.

Then last year, my dear father in law died. My husband is keep bringing up old hurts about the never happened phone calls, to his parents not being able to see their grandchild ( nor was my mum but it doesn’t seem to matter as much to him) he is treating me like I’m the whole reason for everything, is rude to me on a daily basis, Mother’s Day, came and went. I’m hurting so much and find myself praying to my father in law to fix his son.

Last night he spoke to his mother over the phone and she was keep going on about how his father wanted to see his grandchild, again this turned into me being the reason, even though we live 10 hours flights away from each other and that was the real reason that we just live far apart. He came to blame me all over again.

Im 7 months pregnant right now, this is so much to deal with for me. I cry daily, I so want to make him understand that he is hurting me so much. Doesn’t seem to care. My husband also lost his job a while back. He felt awful about that too for a long time. Now, we have a few jobs on offer he seems to have turned back to grief. It’s like he blocked that out while searching for job and now that it’s better he is grieving again.

Im so tempted to contact our GP about this as I can no longer take this. I can’t make him understand the facts. I’m the bad guy and they, he, has done nothing wrong.

What can I do? I’m so sad all the time. I just want to fix our marriage for our future, for our children, I don’t want to lose what we could’ve had.

I'm sorry about your mum OP. You seem to be very dominated by him, I would have cancelled the flights if my mum was dying in hospital and I wouldn't have allowed all those people in my tiny flat after giving birth.

Regarding phone calls to his family, could you not facetime? Grief is very difficult and it sounds like your husband would benefit from bereavement counselling.

Your husband is scapegoating you and you can't fix your marriage by yourself. He needs to be on board but if he's currently grieving he won't be in the right mindset.

You may benefit from counselling yourself and should see your GP if you're depressed.

@Maitri108 thank you for replying to me. I love him dearly I find it so difficult to understand why he won’t understand that any of what happened wasn’t intentional, and most importantly he won’t see that I loved my father-in-law and me not liking to make phone calls wasn’t an evil deed, it’s just how I’m but looking back now I’d have probably forced myself had I known this was to come.

I am sorry about your Mum
I have to say though that whether he is grieving or not he isn't very nice to you.
There may be some cultural issues at play here, I am white British but I think that asking visiting family to stay in a hotel isn't the "done thing" in some cultures. I can totally see why you requested that, its completely reasonable but he may have been embarrased that he had to tell them that. He also seems to have different ideas about family to you as well and puts his above yours at all times.
Grief isn't an excuse to treat you badly, people in good marriages turn to eachother for support when bad things happen rather than use their spouse as an emtional punch bag, its not right
As for what you do? I am sorry I have no suggestions. You are pregnant with no family nearby (I assume) and pretty trapped at this point
What do you actually want?

@Hoppinggreen thank you. I still love him. This is not how I wanted our family life to be. I feel like if we were to separate for these reasons that would be a waste. I’m scared to talk to him at this point about us. Don’t know what to think, how he feels. And the family visit, I felt 7of us in a small one bed flat right after giving birth will be too much. Nothing to do with hate, dislike, etc. We didn’t compromise and now we have this resentment.

I completely agree with you on the hotel thing, it would have been crazy and very stressful for you but he seems to think he can hold it against you
He is probably getting drama from his family as well and he isn't strong enough to stand up to them unfortunately.
Do you think he loves you? As I said he isn't very nice to you

Why do you want to be with him? He’s so horrible to you? Going to see his parents and not your dying mum shows how controlling he is of you, that wasn’t a normal decision for you to make at all. The phone phobia is something you should have worked on if your family live away but it’s not for you to be calling his family anyway. Clearly the cultural differences are in part making things more difficult such as the visit from family after the birth etc. have a good think about if you want your children to grow up in such an unhappy home

I think you have to be very brave and really address this whole situation in a grown up way. He will either rise to the demand and be able to respect and cherish you or he won’t. There is no use pouring your precious love and regard out on someone who is so selfish and cruel that they hold grudges, ignore your sacrifices (your mother’s loss), and punish you retroactively for decisions he made (living so far from his family/marrying out of his ethnic community).

Get help from women’s aid and, if you feel safe, speak to him directly “I am pregnant with our second child and doing my best. I am grieving the loss if my mother as well as your father. You need to draw a line beneath past grievances and regrets. If you want to stay together you need to focus on being the best husband and father you can be. If you can’t or won’t do that then move out. This cruelty is bad for both children and for me.”

@pikkumyy77 im just scared to ask him how he feels, what if he says no he doesn’t love me. That is what im scared of, being 7months pregnant far away from any family. Also, how can our relationship end on these, why doesn’t he wake up and let go of these unrealistic beliefs. This wasn’t like this until his father died 7month ago. It became like this recently and I struggle to understand it

When he wanted all those family members to come and stay in your flat, where did he say they would all be sleeping?

You need a grown up conversation. You need to know where you stand. You're pregnant, you need support. If he doesn't love you any more make arrangements to move back to your family. But you need to stand up for yourself if you want to stay. Stop being passive. You and your children have a right to a happy and fulfilling family life.

A lot has happened here in a short space of time - in the last, what, 3 years you've had one child and become pregnant with another, and you've both lost a parent. This would strain the strongest of relationships.

It sounds like both of you regret not having a closer relationship with your families and perhaps both struggle with guilt and resentment, but him taking it out on you isn't fair. I think counseling is really needed here to help you both grieve, communicate with one another better and also think about the relationship you want with both your families in future.

I’m from South East Asia as well so I can sympathise with his close ties to his family. But I do think he has behaved badly. The longer you tolerate this the worse it will become. I think you need to have a conversation with him and tell him not to treat you like this.

Sorry about your mum OP but looking from outside I can see why they'd think you stopped him from meeting his grandchild. They wanted to visit and you said no; regardless of the valid reasons for saying no and offering alternatives when you're grieving you take it out on those around you.
Plus you seem to want him to rush through his grief just because you did with your mum.
There is no time frame for grief!

I have an aunt & uncle like you guys - piss poor effort into family for all very valid reasons for them including money/transport & her mum also died

Let me tell you now, grief is an incredibly powerful emotion even if you started out on the same page & suffer the same circumstances his pain hurts more because he is prioritising his pain internally which isn't an optional thing. Nothing to stop you from doing the same only your coping slightly better

This may very well break you's if you can't accept it/take responsibility for it in his mind.

@Hopee25 you care for this man and are trying to do your best to please him. So he is happy, he doesn’t get hurt, his needs are fulfilled.

In a balanced, good marriage, you would get that in return. He would put your needs first. He’d care about and would want to be sure you’re not getting hurt (eg by not going to see your dying mum).
But he isn’t doing that. There is nothing in what you said that shows he is putting your needs first at the same level that him. It’s all about, his wants agd you come last.

Maybe it’s a culture difference isdue. Maybe he us just a selfish arse.
In some ways it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you’re getting hurt.
What matters is that your needs are seen as second to his (and his family’s).
What matters is that you dint have to accept that.

And just as importantly, what’s essential is that you can’t change him. You can’t take his grief away from him. You can’t make him happy. Not because there is something wrong about you. But because no one can. All of that is for him to deal with. Not you.

What can I do?

Leave the prick? Seriously, it's not the grief, it's just that he, and his wants, are more important than you (as far as he is concerned) and that was clear long before the FIL died. It won't change, so unless you want to be a regular on this board in the coming years, get out now.

@Waterweight i assume you’d be saying the same thing to the OP’s dh right?

That he could be coping better with his grief?
Take some responsibility for the situation.
To appreciate the OP has lost a parent too.

Or are you set to blame the OP for coping better? For not prioritising her grief (whatever it means…)? Basically for not being a selfish arse and actually caring fir her partner??

He is a selfish arse, you and your children deserve far better. Don’t have any more children with this vile man, it will get worse

You're the one with the phone phobia, not him. Why couldn't he call his parents? I'm very confused. I live a continent away from my parents and I wouldn't recommend it, it's hard on them and on me and they miss the grandkids a lot. But nowadays there are things like Skype, facetime, Whatsapp, many FREE ways to phone your family and actually see them on-screen.

Also, it's reasonable not to want four people to visit you in your one-bed flat, but maybe two people could have visited: his mom and dad. Or, YOUR mom and dad. You just put a time limit on it: two weeks at a time. At least then they get to hold their grandchild. It doesn't have to be when child is a newborn. 5 months old is perfect: baby is sleeping for longer stretches, is awake and smiling in between, it's very cute.

Have your baby and make a plan to leave. He will continue to dominate and ignore you , so don’t trap yourself further after this child is born.

This

Yes get him to the GP line up
some counselling. It is free. You both need bereavement services to start with.

Your dh is struggling to deal with his guilt and his own choices ( to live so far away) and he is not managing the adjustment well at all. This is really impacting you now.

He either accepts his choices, with support here, and continues his life with you or he returns without you. What can’t happen is that you become an emotional punchbag for his resentment and guilt. That is what is happening now.

Get the counselling.
Make some decisions together
Tslk through your regrets - your mother / his father acknowledge you have been through so much in such a short space of time, and that you need to be extra kind to each other if you are going to make it together.

Please don’t allow this continue, you are pregnant and he needs to support you. Do you have real life help op?

100% you can't change how you feel while in grief

OP has (slightly) better moved on (justified ?) her mum's death being inconvenient timing wise but they've never been close to their parents for their own reasons so expects her husband to also justify his dad's death as being sad but not life altering as they are able to carry on their own life.

I am from this culture and have inlaws that ascribe to that mindset. The logic isn't always there!! Yes I'd say the expectation was that you two would fund a trip and they'd all pile in together into your property. Your inlaws comfort prioritized over yours as a show of respect.
I'd say that they would be mind blown over your phone phobia. Especially as it's the main way that people communicate and maintain family links when they are far apart. I clearly remember when the phone calls would be prohibitively expensive and so you'd write air mail letters. So free phone calls have revolutionized things.
Also they may think that as a female, your family are 'less than' and I know some Asians who think they have the monopoly on family values, and non Asians have no idea.
Lastly, some family's are very drama and emotional, that's how they keep their kids in line for ever. Through guilt. Your husband's doing the same thing to you.

I am sorry you are going through this especially during pregnancy. You need to talk with someone who can offer a 'mirror" so you can see things clearly. You seem to be ignoring reality and keep being strongly attached to what you would like things to be. You are afraid to ask him because he might say he doesn't love you. so you avoid reality and choose to live in a soul destroying fantasy. And bringing more children into this. Please get some help, talk it through with someone impartial and face your reality or at least explore what gets in the way of you seeing things for what they are. It is unsustainable and very traumatising for the children too.