What to do…

[SquashedMouse]

My husband has basically been calling me rude, angry and saying I’m a bitch all the time. He has threatened divorce and basically said I’m the reason for all the issues in our life and that I’m going to be the reason that our son has childhood trauma. For context we’re first time parents to a happy smiley 9 month old who is the biggest blessing. My postpartum journey has been tough and it’s definitely changed me. For context I’m a SAHM and my husband works from home for himself. I am exclusively breastfeeding still and do all the nights we have no help or family near us so all household/baby needs fall on me. My son does not sleep through the night and will wake up 3-4 times a night. I do all the cleaning and cooking and every single nappy change. I feel like I never get a break and when I ask for help all I get is excuses or “can I just do this first” or “let me just do this” and by this time I have done it myself or he plonks baby in front of a screen. I’m exhausted and just feel like I don’t get any respect or appreciation for what I do. I’m super grateful to my husband for working and supporting our life but I don’t feel like things are split equally but he just doesn’t agree and we argue but he always turns it on me because I according to him and rude and angry all the time. He’s a very slow and laid back person and I’m not. Being a mum has only exaggerated that but I have a lot to do and need to get things done. He constantly says “nothing you say now is valid because of how you’re talking to me” and he will always remind me that he’s doing so much work to provide for us. I don’t know what my goal was in posting this but I guess I just needed to vent. Sorry if it’s the wrong thread.

It's common for abuse to start after the birth of a child.

He's showing you absolutely no respect and sees anything to do with the house and your child as your domain.

He obviously has clear ideas about what women do. He shuts you up by turning everything on you (DARVO).

It's unlikely he'll change.

Sorry but however ‘hard’ you think it is there are a plethora of single Mum’s (or Dad’s!) doing all you are without a provider. Life as a single parent is impossible. Often. However tired you are now times that by 10. Those in that position find a way or make one. Mainly because they have no other choice. They would ‘love’ often to have only the nappy changes and night feeds. For many they cop double duty… often with zero support - working and looking after wee one. None of us know your exact circumstances. Maybe you are being a demanding pain in the @ss or maybe your DH is an insensitive brute. What I would reiterate is… this stage won’t last forever. Find a way to navigate through if you can and be understanding his lot not likely easy either.

I couldn’t agree more about single parents. I can’t imagine how hard things would be for them. I grew up in a single parent household and I’m in awe of everything my mother did for me. I’m not trying to play the woe is me card there but being a new parent regardless of the circumstances is hard, tiring and a huge life change but the most rewarding thing too. My post was not about only having night feeds or nappy changes. But regardless, I hear what you’re saying and like I said in my post I am super grateful for everything my husband does. I guess I do need to not be a pain in the ass.

I’m hoping we’ll pull through and it’s just a phase… either that or I’ll learn to cope better.

What was he like before the baby? A domestic goddess?

I wouldn’t go that far but we both worked and would split things more like 60/40. It was a good balance

Either abusive , another woman or both

I’m sorry… is he saying that a 9 month old has childhood trauma 😅😅

Sorry OP, but I think I’m with your DH on this one, based on what you’ve written. Rude and angry gets nowhere, whereas calm and measured is how you resolve problem. Have you thought about therapy to help with anger management?

Yes he works but if you look at those hours then he will build in breaks for a coffee/lunch/step away from the screen etc etc. What happens when you add up your hours, you've decided that right now you're a sahm but that doesn't mean you are 24/7. He gets holidays/sick/his day to day breaks. No mum prioritises her own lunch or shower to the detriment of her child's needs. Once he's finished work then time/tasks should be split, perhaps not 50/50 to reflect that you can be at home in the day but why should he work 7 or 8 hours out of 24 (with breaks) whilst you work 24 hours a day. (I work full-time but sometimes I go to work for a rest!)

No need to apologise, I’m grateful for the input! I am currently on a waiting list. I have been in therapy before my nhs and privately. Unfortunately with our son paying for therapy is not an option right now so unfortunately I have to wait. I didn’t mention this in my original post but I truly am trying to improve and stay calm. I’m journaling daily, breathing exercises and going for a walk. Not excusing my behaviour but the frustration and anger rears its ugly head when stressed and tired which unfortunately feels like all the time right now. The name calling doesn’t help as it gets my defensives up but like you said rude and anger gets nowhere so that’s all on me.

I know the hours don’t add up and I think that’s one of the reasons for my frustration but I hate to compare. My husband works hard for our life and I’m grateful but yes I wish I could switch off or just have 5 minutes but like someone else mentioned, single parents don’t have that opportunity so I have to be positive about what I do have.

Yes, single parents have it harder but you’re not a single parent. Just because you’re on mat leave does not mean you do all the parenting all the time. It just means you don’t put your child into paid childcare during the day. When he’s not doing his paid job, he also needs to be on duty parenting, alongside you and sharing the load.

In this context, please lose the word “help” from your vocabulary. When you say “help”, you’re suggesting that it’s really just your job to parent and if he does any parenting he’s doing you a favour. That’s wrong.

I’m 55. When mum was at home with me and dad was out at work, when he got home, he would do my bathtime, change my nappy etc. That was back in the late 60s/70s.

Working parents parent when they get home. They don’t sit with their feet up. Yes, it’s intense and very demanding. But in the scheme of things, the busiest period when your children are little and very dependent passes very quickly.

Your partner needs to get with the programme.

Your husband is the problem.
As for the anger, well: women's anger issue is that we repress our justified anger and then get mad. We don't get angry enough.

Enough with the victimhood olympics! What does this have to do with OP's problems? How is it helpful here?

Agreed uncalled for !

Eh!? No victimhood olympics 🤣… better to walk on by of you don’t get it.

Just wanted to send you a message of support. It’s bloody hard being a new mum. 9 months in is still super hard and it will get easier. It’s a huge life change. It massively alters any relationship and I think maybe getting some fine for both of you not in parent mode could help. Exhaustion and emotional and physical change all add up and don’t make us our best selves. Maybe talk to your partner about how you guys can reconnect

I think you husband should try and involve himself more. It’s his baby too he should be bonding more. The odd nappy change wouldn’t go amiss and giving you time to have a nap. You’re not a robot and you need a break xxxx

A balance OP. Sounds to me like you both might have it tough just now. Hang in there.

He might or might not change - sounds unlikely tbh, mine hasnt - but for next year or two you need whatever physical logistical support you can get so maybe hold out for a bit whilst also thinking about what you’d do if you did split up.

There is nothing wrong with comparing and sometimes putting it out there in black and white can help. Your husband works hard but so do you. If he hasn't changed a nappy then I'm guessing he hasn't done a night wake either. Yes you may need to feed but he could settle/do the nappy change afterwards.
I'm in the process of a divorce now, so whilst not a lone parent DD is with me 12/14. She's 5 now and until we separated I didn't get a lie in at home. One of the issues was that he didn't step up. He isn't 'helping,' he's being a parent. I don't say this to worry you but if you don't say something now then resentment can grow.

Hey…I think you’ve had some pretty harsh responses in all honesty.
You’re a new Mum, to a 9 month old, who is exclusively breastfed and still waking often in the night. Give yourself a little bit of an emotional break from beating yourself up.
As someone who’s had children and sounds like you’ve coped in a similar way to what I did (e.g. frustrated at times by things not being done by the other adult, guilt for not getting it done yourself but then exhausted and maybe slightly resentful for not having a break at all) Please don’t think I’m overstepping the mark but have you thought about your mental health since having your baby?
It is so difficult losing your independence, in terms of employment, your body, your time. It doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for what your husband does but it can often feel like you’ve taken this huge life change whilst his has barely flickered a difference.
Is it a possibility that he also finds it difficult to form as strong a bond as you with your child being so young and not being able to bond during times such as feeding? I know many fathers who felt like a spare part and unsure of how to bond until the child becomes a bit more independent, particularly if your child still needs you to feed him regularly? I’m not excusing him for not being involved but just highlighting previous experiences of talking to fathers who have not said how they felt until their child is older. Maybe he’s not quite sure how to play etc. Men don’t often have the same instincts as women with young babies. Could you try showing him things your child enjoys so they can have time to have fun while you are out of the room- have a bath, read a book, whatever it is you enjoy?