Mother obsessed with ‘her truth’

[BirraMoretti]

For a number of reasons my childhood wasn’t overly happy and even now in my 50s I struggle with my mother. She hasn’t had a particularly easy time either but her poor decisions have affected me a lot over the years.

She’s getting older so I do my best to leave the past in the past but she insists on bringing things up as though she needs me to understand and see her side and forgive her - but she’d never say that as she doesn’t see there’s anything to forgive.

Last year she decided to tell me she was abused as a child (which I suspected) but at a time when I was going through something quite difficult and had let my guard down - I really needed the support myself but she chose that moment to share.

There are numerous other examples of her overstepping and selfishness but today she’s told me how abandoned she felt when I got married and how much it upset her - I already knew this because she rang to give me grief on my honeymoon. I’m now divorced and I also know that if she’d been less wrapped up in her abusive husband (one of several) and more interested in her children, I might never have married the wrong person in the first place.

I feel like I’ll never be free of it until she’s no longer here but women in our family live into their 90s and I know she’s going to expect care and support that I don’t feel like giving - she has already reminded me that she did it for her mother but I work full time in a very stressful role whereas she’d already given up work at my age.

How the hell do I deal with this? It’s affecting my life so much never knowing what she will do or say or expect next. I’m under a lot of other stress and I just don’t need it. Previously I told her she needed to see a counsellor so she had 6 sessions and is now apparently fine 😩🤦🏻

I completely understand that you don’t want to revisit these topics. You don’t need her to tell you how to interpret your own childhood.

I don’t know how much she respects boundaries but I think it would be worth saying that you understand that she’s had some difficulties but for your own valid reasons, you don’t want to revisit the past, which you see very differently than her. Tell her she needs to find other people to talk about that with, if she needs to.

I am quite impressed she saw a counsellor. I thinks it’s unusual for her generation. Maybe she has enough insight into her own behaviour to respect your needs.

Try to keep the relationship simple, offer practical support when you can and maybe play a game of scrabble or watch a film with her, whatever. But perhaps avoid long phone calls or long walks where she feels free to unburden herself. All the best with managing this going forward. Hopefully she will get over this phase.

Thank you that’s good advice - I wish I was like a man and could compartmentalise things in my head a bit more!

Distance yourself just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you need to care for her in old age.

I think if I opened up about something like SA and was told the timing was inconvenient I would be upset. Acknowledge how awful it must have been and how much of a step she has taken. Absolutely put your own boundaries in place, it sounds like an unhealthy relationship, from both sides. You are blaming her for life choices you made as an adult and she put unrealistic expectations on you. You can thank her for opening up and simultaneously saying you can't talk through this with her.

You need to choose to save yourself.
You owe your mother nothing.
I know this is a hard concept to grasp when you have been conditioned your whole life to accept abuse.

You have a choice to accept this or back away from her.

Stop contacting her.
You will not be her carer so she needs to get organised herself.

Stop contacting her.
Block her on everything and take space.
Distance will give you perspective.
Get therapy for yourself.

The alternative is you remain abused and used for the rest of her life, and continue to waste your life.

Your choice.
You do have a choice in this.
No one can force you to be in contact with her.

It may be that she received the usual number of sessions given by the NHS but it is not enough. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. She was once young and poorly treated you and now she is old and doing the self same .

How do your siblings feel about their mother? And is your dad in your life, I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Deal with any fear obligation and guilt re your mother with therapy. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose to enact similar to what was done to her. You are also under no obligation to provide care in her dotage even though she cared for her mother and you do not owe her a relationship either. Do consider posting on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

Yes, this. Her ‘truth’ doesn’t invalidate yours, and I agree you’re both contributing to this unhealthy, enmeshed dynamic. You can’t blame her for you having married the wrong person. She sounds like a damaged person who kept entering into abusive relationships, and the fact that she was SA as a child supports this. But no, obviously, you can’t and shouldn’t give her more support than you can manage psychologically.

This⬆️
Go low contact for your own sanity.
If she ever does need care then she needs to put a plan in place, you say you have siblings so they can be as involved as they want too.
Make it clear that you work full time and will not be a primary carer, and stick to it.

It's interesting that you say about thinking more like man and that is one thing I have learnt from them and it's been very positive and freeing.
For the past couple of years for the most part I only do what I am prepared to do, I say no to hell of a lot more, and don't feel hugely guilty about it either.
You need to learn self care, and if that means having the entire weekend to yourself and not dealing with your mother, so be it.
Set firm boundaries and if she starts badgering and you start to waver just say you'll think about it and get back to them. Then text a no.

The freedom you will feel when you start putting yourself first is intoxicating- try it!

You’re going to have to develop some distance so she doesn’t affect you so badly - this could be emotional or physical. Maybe see a therapist yourself for counselling?
You need to focus on your own life apart from her; I would minimise calls and visits too and never get into these conversations with her again.

No. Not this. A parent shouldn't expect their child to be their therapist and it's not right to dump your SA on your child of any age.
OP go and look out the Stately Homes threads, I think you'll find a lot of support there for this toxic dynamic from people who actually "get it".

Your mother sounds like a narcissist to me. Calling her own daughter on her honeymoon to tell her she feels abandoned is so cruel.
There is no way she should be discussing SA with you. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be believed, but it seems she keeps revealing stories to draw you in.
You need to make a decision and stand firm otherwise you will end up at 60 or 70 yourself exhausted from this woman.
Tell her what you will be able to provide in terms of care in the future and be very clear.
Then expect the full gamut of reactions - tears, tantrums, threats.
Let her.
Do not let her control you. There is a whole thread on here called Stately Homes which may help.
You were not born into this world to be your mother’s servant or saviour.
A therapist once asked me this question and it stayed with me:
What would this other person do if you died?
It really made me think.
The answer: they would have to get on with it and find a new way.
Your mother is probably never going to change so it’s up to you to make some changes now.

It’s no coincidence to me that your ex was abusive mainly because your mother married abusive men and put them first before her children.

They taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

I'd suggest reducing the level of contact you have with her, whilst making it clear you are not going to be her carer in old age.

Her expectations are NOT your obligations.

My mother is a narc. She always had drama, everything has always been about her. I always felt guily and obligated.

I went no contact in feb 2024 4 months before my wedding. I knew many of my guests wouldn't come if she was there and I also didn't want her to overshadow my big day.

I miss her but there's so much freedom and relief in it. I also have started having more boundaries with other people so it's made me stronger.

Yes, I did just assume your mother is a narc. It's how it makes you feel and from what you said I can tell. Just stop being what she wants you to be and start distancing now!

Just to clear a few things up - my ex wasn’t abusive, he’s a good man just not the one for me.

My mother has been married 3 times - 1. My dad (divorced and he died last year) 2. Her abusive (to her and us) ex 3. Her current husband, a lovely man but sadly with declining health.

She paid for counselling so could have as many sessions as she chose.

My sibling isn’t expected to take on her problems emotionally or practically in the way I am - I don’t know why.

She hasn’t really got anyone else - she lost her sister a while ago and has fallen out with most other people including her husband’s family.

I do have sympathy for what she’s gone through and wouldn’t blame her for my own choices/mistakes if she didn’t continually lean on me and demand too much.

It's hard being the last one left or practically one of the last people who bothers with her but she really is not worth bothering about. She regards you as the scapegoat for all her inherent ills; your sibling is the more favoured golden child (itself a role not without price). There is good reason why there is no-one else; she's driven them away by her actions and they've all decided they've had enough.

Do you think she has sympathy for what you;ve been through?. No not a bit of it. Such people really do have no empathy nor insight; qualities that you have. Drop the rope she holds out to you because she will never give you the peace you so deserve.

The trouble is she doesnt have anyone else to talk to and with her husband not likely to be around many more years it's only going to become more of a problem. But I've done it since I was 14 - she's always leaned on me and shared far more than I wanted to know. But surely she needs/deserves to talk to someone?

You keep talking about what she ‘expects’ and ‘needs’, but you need to prioritise what you can tolerate without it damaging you. Forget what she expects for a minute — what level of contact would be manageable for you? What would a tolerable relationship with her look like? How often would you have contact. For how long at a time? Or is there no level of contact that would work for you?

You were but a child at the time. It was never your job to be her confidante; she groomed and otherwise coerced you into tacitly accepting that role. And this is a behaviour many narcissistic people do to their now adult children

She's not interested in at all talking to others; she assigned you in childhood to do that. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Your sibling is the golden child whilst you are the scapegoat for all her inherent ills.

And no-one knows either how long her H has to live so do not go down that rabbit hole. What is he like; is he the sort who says to you, "well you know what she is like?". It could be argued that he has also failed you here by failing to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviour. He's enabled her too in this.

Why must that person be you?

Can you list 5 reasons of why you as the child in your relationship has an oblighation to listen and manage her emotional "baggage".

Once you have do that apply the reasons to the stranger three streets over. Do the reasons still apply? If not why?

Your siblings have worked out they have no need to carry the emotional load and she recognises that while you still allow yourself to be pulled in.

And reread

@Streaaa · 10/04/2025 08:34

You need to choose to save yourself.
You owe your mother nothing.
I know this is a hard concept to grasp when you have been conditioned your whole life to accept abuse.
You have a choice to accept this or back away from her.
Stop contacting her.
You will not be her carer so she needs to get organised herself.
Stop contacting her.
Block her on everything and take space.
Distance will give you perspective.
Get therapy for yourself.
The alternative is you remain abused and used for the rest of her life, and continue to waste your life.
Your choice.
You do have a choice in this.
No one can force you to be in contact with her.

If you feel you need to stay in contact make a rule that dM can not brings up any past event.
If that happpens you stop that contact by saying you are not going to listen then by leaving the room hanging up the phone to show dM that you mean it.
Keep doing that each and every time.

You should contact the age support team in your LA for an assessment for dM and DSF and read through threads on https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents which explain how to manage low or no contact family who need age appropiate support. Once dM has no objection you can be involved on the "supervision" and decision making process without having much or no contact.

But:

@Streaaa · 10/04/2025 08:34

You need to choose to save yourself.
You owe your mother nothing.
I know this is a hard concept to grasp when you have been conditioned your whole life to accept abuse.
You have a choice to accept this or back away from her.
Stop contacting her.
You will not be her carer so she needs to get organised herself.
Stop contacting her.
Block her on everything and take space.
Distance will give you perspective.
Get therapy for yourself.
The alternative is you remain abused and used for the rest of her life, and continue to waste your life.
Your choice.
You do have a choice in this.
No one can force you to be in contact with her.

You are absolutely not obliged to care for her in her old age. She didn't give you a good childhood (whatever the reasons why) and is still very difficult.

Decide what level of help and support you can provide. It's absolutely fine if that level is zero. If you think you can help her sort out outside help from carers or a care home, you can decide to do this but nothing more.

If you read the posts on the 'Elderly Parents' board, you will see that even in cases where the OP had a loving childhood and great relationship with her mum, the requirement to provide nearly full-time, hand-on care pretty much destroyed their relationship and massively affected the OP's mentall and physical health.

This from Streaaa sums it all up: "You owe your mother nothing".
So hard to accept. But this is the basic truth.

You are under no obligation to be her crutch, either emotionally as now, or physically/financially in the coming years.

Exactly this. Step back. Do less. You have a choice here, don’t be a martyr.