Feeling worthless… unreasonable spending/ priorities

[Mummy54321x]

My partner and I have been together 9 years with 2 children - 5yrs and 3 months. I am currently on maternity leave with statutory pay.
Each month we are barely getting by each month, struggling to cover bills and worrying about every penny we spend on basic food shopping etc, we always shop at budget supermarkets and avoid luxuries. My partner is regularly telling me he cannot cover bills and asking me to transfer money (£185 last month when I was paid £700 SMP) as he has gone over overdrawn leaving me with hardly any money for food for the family (I pay for all food shopping, clothes, things for kids inc toys and activities and my share of bills from pre maternity leave. Currently with Easter hols upon us I am doing everything I can to keep our 5 year old fed and entertained without spending as I’m so anxious over money. However despite our financial situation my partner has told me he will be going out for dinner and drinking in central London with his friend and their family and when I have questioned the spending on this and told him I felt this was unfair he has told me I am controlling and not allowing him to see friends. Although it is not a weekly occurrence it isn’t the first time he has behaved like this when we have been struggling financially with the last time him spending our budget for food shopping for 2 weeks on a meal out for himself. He shuts me down telling me I’m emotionally blackmailing him when I try to discuss it.
This has upset me for several reasons…
With our current finances is it fair to spend over £100 on a night out for just himself when I don’t know how to even afford basic food shopping this month?
I asked why he can’t see friends without him spending so much or ask them to travel to our area occasionally to save over £30 on train tickets, not pay premium London prices and also mean he’s not spending so much time from the children but that’s not possible?
For events such as valentines and Mother’s Day we can’t afford to do anything as money is too tight and we can’t afford family days out - I don’t expect expensive gifts or meals but basic gestures to make a day feel special would be nice - valentines I was given a bunch of cheap flowers and told as I was handed them they had been paid for on a credit card could I transfer money (I don’t care about the cost of the flowers but the message that went with them meant that they weren’t enjoyed). I asked for Mother’s Day to not buy anything but to go somewhere free for a walk as a family and just not to have to cook but was told there wasn’t time to plan somewhere to go and he wasn’t prepared to cook and there was no money to go out or get a takeaway. But he has the time to plan a night out in London and money for this.
I always turn down invites for coffee/ baby clubs etc that involve spending and try to find alternatives such as walks and taking a coffee made at home in a flask if I go anywhere which is unusual.
I’ve avoided meet-ups with my side of the family as this usually involves meeting as a whole family for a meal which we can’t afford.
He’s in trouble with work because he hasn’t done tasks because he’s too tired (he doesn’t do any over night wakeups with our 3 month old) but he’s not too tired to go out drinking midweek over an hour away?
He in front of our 5 year old told me he would help cover the cost of his night out by cancelling our 5 yo’s swim membership… we don’t do family days out, she doesn’t do clubs and this gives her enjoyment and I one thing he did do with her. I am got this membership at a considerable discount that I can’t get again if it’s cancelled but this is on DD put in his name.
Also something I’m finding upsetting but feel like I’m being paranoid about is the night out he has told me he’s going to is with his friend, his friends wife and other friends who are going out as couples. Other nights out he goes on his own are all events his friends are going to as couples yet I’m told I’m clingy and controlling when I ask why I’m not ever included in plans, yes money paying for both of us could be a factor but he’s not careful with the amount he spends on hisself when he goes. We’ve been together 9 years with 2 kids and I haven’t met some of his friends and their wives who he goes on nights out with.
I am feeling completely undervalued, well to be honest worthless over this… am I being unreasonable/ over sensitive? What’s others perspective on this, am I miss interpreting the situation?

You aren't a partnership and he doesn't understand that when a couple have a family the financial needs of the family take priority over his needs.
If you have talked to him and he really sees thinks that you are unreasonable and " controlling" by asking to that he puts his family before his own drinking and socialising then i think you should be exploring how you could manage financially without him.

Why are you with him!? why did you have another baby with him? Leave him you will be better off financially alone

The thought of splitting has crossed my mind but firstly I’m scared how I would cope financially on my own. I cover a share of bills (everything I can afford to pay) but he also does and is the main earner since we’ve had children (I left a lot higher paying job to be there for our child). But our joint income still isn’t enough for the outgoings and I have cut everything possible. We have a joint mortgage etc, there would be no way I could afford this on my own. I wouldn’t know where to begin.
And also the thought of the impact on our children of us spitting breaks my heart. I want this to be a last resort but also just want to feel valued and supported- and like our family comes first, I can’t spend my life feeling worthless, is that selfish?
For a long time I doubted the relationship due to the issues mentioned (hence the age gap between children), I thought he’d actually become more understanding and looked at his priorities before we decided to have a second child and things seemed better relationship and financially but I was mistaken.

Go back to your high earning job ASAP and leave him.

Genuinely curious...what are his redeeming traits? Are there any?

Sorry to say this but he is not a keeper! I agree that you need to get back to your career and make plans.

I agree it sounds like he is not in a mindset of partnership and family with you, sad to say. It’s the sort of thing I’d understand from a partner of 9 months not 9 years where the children aren’t his. But ridiculous of him in this situation. It’s not you, OP, it’s him.

You've been a high earner, you can be again. Its not all about money (easy for me to say i know), what is he teaching your 5YO about how to be treated by a partner, how to be a parent... He's clearly not got his priorities right at all, this isn't sustainable for a happy family unit. I'm sorry.

How do you know your joint income isn’t enough? Seems like you are paying for almost everything and then having to transfer money to him as well. Do you see his bank statements and know what money he has coming in and going out? What does he spend on lunches, coffees, drinks, etc when he’s at work or otherwise away from you? Bet he spends more on those things than your DC’s swimming costs. Even if you aren’t going to properly pool finances, you should have total financial transparency. If he won’t let you see it, then that would be the end for me in terms of trust.

Sounds like you’d be better off on your own getting child support from him - you might actually have more money not less.

Can you get a high paying job back? He's not on your team, he's selfish and he's not a good partner or father, he's a waste of space.

Well I would NOT be transferring anymore money for a start . If he can’t manage on his own money then he needs to not spend money on nights out etc without spending family money on them .

he’s walking all over you and you’re letting him and he knows it . He doesn’t sound like he respects you as a partner and you deserve much better .

Christ he is awful OP
He treats you and your children like crap and spends money while you scrimp on food etc and paying for a night out by cancelling your childs Swimming? What sort of useless selfish fuckwit would even suggest such a thing
You aren't married so you may be pretty vulnerable but I think you need to make plans to leave asap

Op he is financially abusing you and children, how selfish of him, you have allowed this to happen by bankrolling him, you have to take back control financially here, your awear you carnt do normal, coffee dates out with friends or family, treat your children to a day out because you need to watch the pennies, but your partner is pleasing himself whilst asking you to transfer money over to him, please stop this, what's good for him is good for you and children, you should put a spreadsheet together, out going, what you can afford, see what his spreadsheet looks like compared to yours ????, what's left is for little treats for children ie, day out , cinema, play centre, or just a catch-up with friend in park with pack lunch, it's not for him to have a piss up with his mates,
Weres your time out, when do you get time with friends/family op, get angry and strong 💪 op, how bloody dare he treat you like this, and yes your right to be feeling as you do,

This.

This.

You are not controlling. He is financially abusing you and your child and then gaslighting you.

OP I am furious for you on your behalf, he is awful. How can you even bear to be in the same room as him? You would be better off as a single parent as it seems that he does naff all anyway. Please find the courage to leave and set a good example for your children.

Just a wild guess does he take drugs with his friends too?

Sorry op l am a chap and there is no way l would put myself before my children and a happy safe home . May be l am old fashioned but home and partner or wife are so much more important than a night out on the booze . Maybe l am wrong but a night out can be put on hold the children are first and home security I.e food ,clothes ,bills are more important.I suppose my thought as a man is he fully committed to you and the lovely children . I like to go out , a odd drink at home . I life long love my wife and always put her first . I would put some thought into this about the future . If you had a good job could you go back into that line of work . One thought are you claiming child support etc .l don't know your position even on a temporary basis . I hope things improve for you . I would think about your relationship though can this person be trusted with your and your young one s love

Thank you all for your replies.
I think part of me in a way was hoping to post on here and be given a different viewpoint and be told I was in the wrong… it would be easier to change myself than try to resolve issues that sit with him and he isn’t willing to talk about.
In my heart I know that the right thing is to look to leave but I honestly don’t know where to start.
Those saying to go back to my higher paying job. I did earn more but not enough to cover mortgage, utilities, council tax, childcare all other household bills etc etc on my own and I left this job because it meant I couldn’t be there for my child- I would have been out the house all day 7-7 at least everyday with no guarantee of finishing on time and still having to work on call out of hours. Basically it was all consuming, meant I wouldn’t be present as a mum, plus the childcare costs were astronomical. I have nobody else to help me. The decision for me to leave and go in to a lower paying job was a joint one. My partner isn’t around for nursery/ school drop offs and most of the school holidays as his work doesn’t allow for this and so I need to be and to be honest want to be there for my children.
Also I left this job 5 years ago, it isn’t easy (not impossible I know) to walk straight back in at the same level.
I am also only 3 months in to my current maternity leave. I am already really struggling of the thought of going back at 9 months when SMP runs out but know financially there really isn’t inch option. I honest don’t think I’d cope with going back sooner.
But what can I do?
I feel trapped.
I do not qualify for benefits apart from standard child benefits. He earns over 45k.
We have a joint mortgage. Although I pick up a lot of the bills this is a payment that comes out of his bank account, where does this leave me?
I doubt I would qualify for any support from the council? If I did and they offered temporary accommodation we have a dog. How can I tell my 5yo we wouldn’t be able to keep our family pet?
He is very unlikely to be amicable.
I know he would also likely to attempt some sort of custody, mainly for the image and because he wouldn’t want his family to know what he’s really like as a father. This may sound selfish but the idea of having to split time with my children with someone who doesn’t really care upsets and scares me. He takes unnecessary risks with them and my 5 yo is regularly hurt accidentally due to his carelessness and heavy handedness when I leave her with him. I haven’t left my 3mo old with him but even yesterday as an example he tried to carry baby downstairs in his bouncer where the strap keeps coming loose. When I asked him not to and take him out of the bouncer to go downstairs in case of tripping, strap failing, bouncer folding etc etc the response was ‘that makes me want to do it more’ and he did it anyway. He also got in a strop and told me I have issues because I wanted to move the car baby mirror over to his car in order to see baby on a journey of over an hour that he wanted to go in his car for - apparently I need mental help for not wanting to take risks with these things? As my 5yo was getting ready for bed he went up as I was feeding baby. I heard screaming and apparently he ‘accidentally’ gripped her stomach too tight as she wasn’t sitting still to clean her teeth.
I don’t know how I can prove the risk of leaving them with him? But my intuition as a mother says it’s not safe, he’s distracted half the time and thinks he always knows best, guidelines for safety do not apply to him.
It was mentioned in one response about me being vulnerable because we’re not married. What options does this give?
I’m obviously also not in a financial position for solicitors.

"And also the thought of the impact on our children of us spitting breaks my heart. "

At the moment you, and only you, are worried about how to afford to feed your child. And he is asking you to give him your money to go and feed and water himself.

Your child would at least be better fed if you didn't have to subsidise his dad's selfish spending habits.

Mummy54321x

First of all can I say how much I feel for you and all your pain.

I've not been in such a situation myself but what I'm reading between the lines is how you are such a selfless person. You have an amazing quality which makes you an amazing person.

Although I haven't been in your situation, what I do get is that you do not want to rock the boat for many reasons.

I was in an unhappy marriage and had a young daughter. I didn't want to leave because all I saw was a load of pain ahead including finances etc. Mainly I put up with everything for the sake of my daughter. I didn't want her to go through all of that turmoil, i.e. I was trying to be selfless.

Then I found out that my wife had been sleeping around for some time. 11 different men in total.

After a lot of pain and suffering I knew that the balance had been tipped and that I needed to go.

We were also always overdrawn, me a few thousand with my bank, and I was always trying to be conservative with my spending. During my thought process of trying to decide what to do for the best I noticed that she had been spending hundreds of pounds on sex toys. I have no actual issue with that, more that we were struggling financially but she was spending all of our money in the wrong areas, at least that was my perception.

So despite all the negative thoughts running through my mind about how difficult it was going to be, and asking how I was going to survive financially, I finally made up my mind to get out.

And do you know what I discovered?

All of the things I was thinking about in my head about how this person would feel, how that person would feel, how my daughter would feel ...... you just get through it somehow. Don't get me wrong it's not easy - but you find a way.

9 years down the road and I realise to this day how it was the best decision I ever made. Sometimes you just have to act, especially if it's making you feel so unhappy.

Everyone in life is entitled to be happy, including you. x

Your partner doesn't see you and your children as a priority. When we have children, they have to come before our wants. Your partner is putting what he wants before you and the children. He can see his friends, no one says he can't but he doesn't need to travel to London or spend excessive amounts of money, to do it. He is choosing to follow that path. The fact you have been together 9 years, yet haven't met some of his friends, or socialised with them with him, strikes me as really odd. I've met all my husband's close friends and their wives and we occasionally socialise altogether. I find it bizarre to say the least, you have never been invited to these gatherings. I have to ask, is it possible he's hiding something? How do you know where your partner's salary goes each month? Do you have access to his bank/credit card statements? The fact he's asking you for money, suggests to me, that your partner is overspending, but what on??? If money is seriously that tight, then in theory, he shouldn't be wasting money on buying lunch or coffees at work etc. I have been in a position where I've worried where the money is going to come from to pay for groceries, and it's an awful feeling and stressful. You do need a serious conversation regarding money. You also need him to be transparent with his finances. If he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't quibble over showing you his bank statements and perhaps sorting out a joint spreadsheet with finances. If he point blank refuses to engage with finances, then I am sorry, he's spending unnecessarily. You need to go back to work as soon as you can, and work out your finances, because I think you'd be better off on your own.

He sounds like he hates you. What more do you need to know?

God, what an absolutely horrid person. Leave him. Stop worrying about finances or the impact on your children, They'll be better off, you'll be better off. It may not be easy, but no doubt easier than being with such an as*ole. I could not bear to be in the same room as him.