What to do about DB - I'm at a loss

[Keanearemyfavourite]

DB is 50. He has a mild learning disability I believe, never diagnosed. He's currently unemployed, lives in HA housing.

He's never liked work. He's been temping last few years after giving up a good job because he didn't like it and just left with no job to go to. Since then he has never stayed at a job more than a couple of weeks because of one reason or another, but just jacks in job when he doesn't like it, so often has several weeks in between with no work. He then says minimum wage is no good to him when he's looking for work because he thinks he's worth more.

My DM has listened to his complaints continually and over the years, paid for car repairs, appliances, anything he needed really as well as cash here and there and for petrol. He has taken money willingly. Its transpired that my parents pulled him up on the shopping bill recently as he was including his own items in the shop and not knocking it off the bill he gave them.

So with no job for some weeks now he's behind with rent and has no money. I've helped him too in past but he's become entitled and it gets me down.

Our dearest DM has passed away suddenly after a short illness. She asked me to look after him and DF, telling me there was money in the drawer for DB. DB reminded me to get the money when I went to house to get things DM needed whilst in hospice and also asked me what would happen to DM's building society books. DF believes DB took advantage of DM and thinks he should stand on his own two feet at his age. I feel same but of course he has limited ability to earn money, but he can work. If working we will help him willingly but its the fact that he doesnt want to bother.

DB has been for a couple of interviews and I hoped losing DM might make him change but I suspect not. He has asked me for money for food and petrol since he won't get any benefit for a week or two.

What do I do going forward? I dont know whether we pay off his rent arrears and tell him that's it or whether we leave him to get on with it, though he has no money... I dont want him to lose his house or go to payday people, though I've told him never to do this (but generally he doesn't take any advice I offer).

Any advice appreciated I just dont know how to handle him. He is not a bad person but has just come to expect to be looked after and it upsets me he took advantage of our poor mum who I'm missing desperately.

I feel in such a fog with it all. It's such a pressure all the time. Any advice appreciated thanks if you've got to the end!

I'm scanning your post but I can't see any mention of benefits such as UC or housing. If he isn't claiming then that is where you start. After that the next step is to go through his outgoings and get him to cut back on luxuries.

He needs to learn to be independent, or you get adult care involved if he can't (rather than won't), otherwise he's going to be in a lot of trouble, ie homeless and starving, if anything happens to you. But if he refuses your support then you are going to have to let him reach rock bottom unfortunately.

I get it, my DM did this with one of my DB. Ten years after her death he still isn't coping with money or food or bills. Would rather buy obsolete tech from carboots than fresh food from a supermarket or put the fire on in winter but moans about being broke. DM didn't set him up for life by throwing money at him and she failed him very badly by doing that.

I think if you can I would firstly do anything to stop him losing the HA home. He is obviously impacted by Ld and it would be pretty catastrophic if he became homeless or reliant on finding new home

Perhaps this could be a first step part of looking at how to support him to change

It may be you need to be realistic ...a man of 50 is going to struggle to change himself ..but maybe with the right support he can find something he can cope with work wise

Is he entitled to any support? Does he have a social worker? Long-term you can't end up being his carer/enabler.

I would probably pay his rent arrears but maybe not. Could he move in with your dad or would that be a disaster?

If he has a learning disability your parents haven’t done him any favours by not getting him diagnosed as he may have had more financial support over the years. Don’t fund him endlessly and not for shopping etc.

Maybe just stay out of it and leave it to your dad to come up with an arrangement for him.

There are plenty of people with mild learning difficulties that hold down jobs, pay their rent, and don’t treat their families like a cash cow.
Your DM assets are presumably inherited by your DF. Hence it’s for him to decide whether he wants to assist DB or not.
Bailing him out will not help him in the long run.

Take DB to an appointment with a charity that specialises in budgeting and making do with little income.
Make sure he is registered for all of his benefits.

He should apply for jobs but also encourage casual work for cash like mowing lawns, pruning.
Could he start by working for his father as a house cleaner and leaf sweeper for a few hours per week? DB needs to get used to earning his money.

For as long as you enable him to live the lifestyle he is doing he will continue to do so.
DM has told you to look after him. In my opinion the best thing you can do to look after him is teach him to stand on his own two feet.
Be kind but firm. Maybe one last payment but then tell him there are no funds left and he needs to support himself.

Close the bank of Keane now and permanently. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and does not help your brother. You cannot continue to do as your late mother did ie enable him.

Offer practical help not financial.
Housing benefit can be paid direct to the HA, you could help him set that up. At least that removes the worry of him being made homeless.

He needs to start working & make sure he doesn’t get his hands on the building society book or the cash in the drawer. It sounds like your Dad isn’t on board with financing him continually.

Also look at benefits - but I think this is the type of person that the government want back in work rather than claiming.

Thanks all for your thoughts. It's helped me to share. DF cant deal with - he's too elderly. DB does get UC covering Housing but i'll look into council tax benefit also and see what happens with his current attempt at getting a job...

It's so hard isn't it? My bf has a relative that whilst he does work (although he's fairly frequently let go because he's always off sick for self imposed illnesses) he still lives at home and is approaching 50. We've tried over the years to talk about him moving out or what the plan is when his DM died and there isn't one.

I don't think you can take on looking after your DB as a dependent. You are grieving and you've got your DF to look after.

I would consider helping him to keep his home otherwise he will move in with your DF.

A lot of housing associations have welfare rights / benefits advisors attached to them. They don't want people getting into a guddle with benefits that leaves their rent unpaid..So his housing association could be a good place for him to start building some other supports around him

DB does get UC covering Housing

So with no job for some weeks now he's behind with rent

^^ In certain circumstances you can get the housing benefit paid direct to the landlord. Get that in place immediately so he doesn't lose his home. If he gets evicted for non payment they don't legally have to re-house him. Make this a priority.