We Puréed Organic Vegetables For You

[Alwaystoblame]

A thread for parents who have abusive dc. Please use this thread to vent, find support, offer support, and hopefully find some solace from chatting to those going through similar.
I have my own long-running thread about my now 18 year old Dd who has put me through hell but this thread is inspired by seeing a thread by another mum suffering similarly and those who suggested a parents’ version of We Took You To Stately Homes.
I hope this thread provides a much needed space for any parent who needs it. You are not alone.
Thread title inspired by other mumsnetters.

Thank you for the thread set up.
I feel I am in a brief period of respite at the moment but I know my situation will intensify again soon.
On a short break at the moment which feels like a huge treat!

So sorry to hear about our situation. Re the thread title though, should it not be something the abusive person says, when denying they are abusive and reproaching you for even thinking it? (Thinking about the stately homes thread)
more like “you ruined my life with your bloody organic vegetables”.

Posters on other threads have recommended the charity PEGS and I’m going to have a look at this today. My Dd doesn’t live with me and I rarely see her but the abuse comes in via messages mainly. Every time I see her I’m anxious as to what she might say. I am to blame for all her behaviours and issues she says and that she learnt those poor behaviours from me. Deceit, emotional blackmail, manipulation, controlling and I’m a sociopath apparently who needs psychiatric help..She often brings dead relatives into her vicious bile and blames me for their problems. She’s a delight. She is awaiting ADHD and ASD assessments and I suspect she is PDA too with a lot of trauma from when her dad left. She is trauma bonded to him but he is the abusive one.

That is inspired….mine was an absolute shit spitting spawn from hell who was heading into secure provision untill his serious MH illness was formally diagnosed and he finally agreed to work with the CMHT. His fave quote at me ‘It’s your fault that I have ethics’.

I hope PEGS is able to support you and maybe signpost you to any more local support. I can recommend Young MINDS for under 18s and MIND for signposting if MH is making a tough mix that more fiery to handle.

My son was a delight, he set his bedroom on fire, planned to set his school on fire and held the family at knifepoint when manic (no drug use just very mentally unwell on top of ASD) he was well known to the police who had his risk assessment as kettle him but do NOT touch him unless you like a visit to A&E. Thankfully being voluntarily sectioned and very supportive psychiatrists managed to make contact with Planet Zog to tell him my boundaries were reasonable and a very good hospital art therapist found an inroad.

I certainly do not have the answers but I found setting my personal boundaries in place with calmly carried out consequences slowly began to make some kind of sense to my DS over time. he hated them and more than kicked off for the first two years of using them. I found the book ‘The explosive child’ very helpful even with a surly young adult. I also found the low arousal intervention strategies training provided by CAHMS when he was 17 pretty awesome. It can take time to find something that might help. remember you do not have to agree to be the whipping post even if your sure it’s neurodiversity with extras.

IF you can try and make yourself a headspace to step back into when the vitriol gets poured your way. If she is being really nasty calmly end the conversation and exit if it’s safe to do so. if it is not call the police. Did that a few times on mine till he worked out the police were there to keep everyone safe and keep the peace. His biggest problem was having a heap of emotions and mood swings from high to suicidal low that he could not express due to a severe communication disorder. hence the destructive and aggressive behaviour that meant social workers would only see him if there were at least two of them together.

As said I hope PEGS can let you feel there are others who get it in the myriad of forms that child to parent aggression nastiness and plain old abusive behaviours take. I willing share my ripped T-shirt, Kevlar parenting gauntlets and welcome you to the club no parent expects to have to join. I would offer you a cuppa but he smashed the mugs and I have still to replace them since MIND housed him.

@triballeader- I am off to look at low arousal intervention strategies as that sounds like it could be very helpful in mu situation
@Alwaystoblame , I totally understand that fear when a message or phone call comes in. I have never managed to find a way to deescalate when she is really pushing the destruct button (to destroy me, not her!). The pain of your child truly believing you are the cause of all their troubles when you have devoted your life to them is unimaginable

Politenoticed, this is a link to the group who delivered the face to face training on behalf of CAHMS. I think they now offer online options to benefit families with their backs against the wall with what is laughing called ‘challenging behaviours’. https://www.studio3.org/training-and-coaching/low-arousal-training/low-arousal-online

Frustratingly, I’ve not had chance to speak to PEGS this week or even look them up online.
DD was supposed to be joining us for Easter but there’s no chance after her vicious bile last weekend towards me and other family members. Even my mum who is the most forgiving person ever doesn’t want to see her. It makes me so sad that she is like this but then so angry that she blames me for it all. I have been the stable, consistent, supportive one her whole life while her dad fucked off and got with the OW, had two more kids then left her, bounced around a few more women and has moved in with his next miserable victim and her two vulnerable kids. OW did me a favour and we get on well despite very traumatic beginnings. It amuses me how alike we are except for morals obviously. So the nice family dinner with my mum and 3 dc is now going to be minus dd1 as it often is. I always feel the weight of her absence but the stress of her joining us and the risk of further abuse is worse. She will snipe at me frequently during any contact we have. Constant digs about me being alone, having no friends, not being normal, not having a job, being old. At the same time she’ll claim some random bloke in a restaurant was eyeing me up or flirting with me if they so much as spoke to me. It’s exhausting. I hope those of you facing a difficult Easter get through it with no, or at least minimal, heartache. We don’t deserve this.

Alwaystoblame, I hope you can find a little joy in sharing Easter with your two children and mother who choose to share it with you.
I concur trying to do a family thing with an older/adult child who not only clearly does not wish to be there but comes and sabotages it so ruining it for everyone is far worse. You are allowed to feel sad and some grief for the relationship you had hoped to have by now but have not got.

I must admit the thought she might take more after her dad’s personality traits than your own has crossed my mind. That is not meant as a trite comment simply an observation from your post content that may mean her dad views people as things to use how he wants for his own selfish reasons. Our kid only get 50% of their genes that make them them from us.