Am I overthinking this? Being ‘second best’

[secondsecondsecond]

I’d be really grateful if you could tell me if I’m overthinking this. I’m a newish mum and having a baby has raised a lot of questions for me about many of the relationships in my life and the examples I’m setting to my baby, because I know that they’ll look to me in learning how to relate to other people and what kind of behaviour to tolerate in relationships etc.

I have a real chip on my shoulder about being ‘second best’ in my romantic relationships. This happened with my first serious boyfriend who I was with aged 18-22ish. When we got together, he told me he also fancied X (a girl in our friendship group) but she turned him down. As a result, my already crap self esteem became even lower and I constantly questioned myself and their relationship.

We split up when we were both around 22 partly as we had grown apart, but also because his communication was crap and we spent the last two years long-distance with him turning off his phone, leaving calls and messages unanswered, or giving one-word replies. I decided I was worth more than that and initiated the break-up.

I met my now-DH a few months later. He was also out of a long-term relationship (18-ish months prior). It quickly transpired that he wasn’t over his ex, and it’s something I’ve felt insecure about for years. When we were first together, he’d leave the room to look at her social media posts (I’d glance over and see them come up on his phone). I’m also completely ashamed now that the underwear style he favoured/(s) is what his ex wore and is a style I’d never have chosen prior to meeting him, but I wore because he liked it. This is actually mortifying to me now and I feel angry with myself that I had so little self respect as to go along with it.

We got together nearly 9 years ago (!) and have been married for two and now have a baby, but it still really rankles me. Presumably at some stage, he got over his previous relationship, but I don’t know when and how long into our relationship.

Admittedly my lack of self esteem has always been an issue for me and something I’ve tried to work on over the past few years, but I feel mortified at having spent the early part of our relationship essentially doing the ‘pick me dance’. I think I still feel inferior to his ex even after all this time and as a grown woman and a wife and mother. She seems very different to me and has a glamorous job while I’m in the new mum fug and constantly covered in baby sick etc.

Obviously it’s completely normal to have had past relationships and that’s not what I have an issue with. It’s the emotions DH still had around his past relationship while starting a relationship with me, I think.

Am I being totally OTT about this? Do I need to go back to therapy (probably!)? It seems to me that I jumped from one relationship where I felt second-best to another where it was exactly the same, at least initially. DH said he feels awful that I felt like that but I can’t help but feel I need to be modelling a better message about relationships to my baby. Please help!

I think nine years in you can safely say you're not second best. It's inevitable that if you get in a relationship with someone just out of one then they are going to have some initial hang ups - but that doesn't mean you're second best, they are just processing (and probably should have stayed single at that point). The underwear thing I don't think is an issue - if he likes a style of underwear he presumably likes it on women in general.

Yes OP, I think you are overthinking this. When I got together with my DH I don't think I was properly over my ex (we'd only split up 3 months earlier) - but that was years ago, DH and I are still together, I adore him and never think about my ex any more. It doesn't matter how things started - is he a good partner now and treats you well? That's the important thing.

Thank you, both, that’s reassuring!

We’ve had a few ups and downs over the years about DH not prioritising our relationship - kind of like he just expected me to be there when he got back from doing something more interesting? Expecting me to wait around to pick him up from nights out, or be available and waiting when he got back from an all-day hobby at the weekends after a full week at work, that kind of thing. His parents are married but barely ever speak to each other and honestly I think he’s had a pretty poor blueprint for relationships himself and hasn’t always thought about the need to have/maintain a connection or spend time together, if that makes sense?

It’s good to know from an outside perspective that I’m overthinking though. I think being postpartum has got me thinking a lot about relationships and the messages we’re passing on to our DC. I had a pretty poor upbringing myself (hence crap self esteem) and I’m constantly thinking about what I can do better for DC than was done for me. Thank you x

This sounds more like your issue than a you and DH issue - I'd try not to let your feelings about the past and struggles with self-esteem infect your current relationship.

Thank you! I appreciate the reality check :) x

I think that it’s fairly normal not to be fully over Person A before you start seeing Person B. It’s often how people manage to move on with their lives after a split.The common advice to recently separated people is to “start dating” which they do with some trepidation, then they meet someone interesting and six months later, they’re loved-up and meeting Person B’s friends and family and going on holiday!

Looking at ex girl/boyfriends on social media is normal. Many people do it tbh. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything - I have looked up a couple of fellas from the 1990s whose surnames I barely remembered just from idle curiosity. I’ve also looked up more recent ones.

The business of your partner expecting you to pick him up from the pub regularly, or be home when he deigns to return from his nice day out, is another matter and one you do need to address. But I genuinely think he’s doing this because he’s thoughtless not because he views you as second best.

kind of like he just expected me to be there when he got back from doing something more interesting? Expecting me to wait around to pick him up from nights out, or be available and waiting when he got back from an all-day hobby at the weekends after a full week at work, that kind of thing.

Whether he thinks you are second best or not, he certainly seems to think that you're his domestic appliance to be available and switched on whenever he wants you to function. You're not there to service his needs like that.

You said you've 'had' your ups and downs'. I hope that means he's packed that sort of behaviour in. If not you need to put a stop to it. Does he show you care and affection and love?

I think I still feel inferior to his ex even after all this time and as a grown woman and a wife and mother. She seems very different to me and has a glamorous job while I’m in the new mum fug and constantly covered in baby sick etc.

She's your partner's ex from over 10 years ago, how do you know so much about her current life?

Go to counseling and get some clarity, but try not to second guess yourself too much. Part of our healing comes through interacting with other people and the partner we chose so you may never have arrived at this level of introspection with a different partner. Also, if you waited until you were fully healed before launching into motherhood and a relationship you’d probably be waiting til your 50s when that ship had truly sailed. Basically look forward rather than backwards

Thank you! This makes sense

Oh I don’t at all. The very little I do know is from a mutual friend (who brought it up, I’ve never asked about her). And from there, the rest is just my imagination/unhealthy comparison with this idea of a glam and confident person that leaves me feeling lacking. So I’m inferring a lot. I do know it’s ultimately a me problem because I’ve always lacked confidence in myself throughout my life.

@secondsecondsecond I can relate to you. I had an awful upbringing and even spent some time in a children's home. From there I went from bad friendships to bad relationships. Each one treated me poorly in different ways but because I desperately wanted some form of connection to people, my low self esteem allowed me to tolerate this behaviour and morph myself into something more "likeable" to them. But it only left me feeling worse than how I did going into it.

DD's dad wasn't in the same category as bad like the others but I was regularly invisible to him. Pushed aside for friends and ex's, doing everything whilst he prioritised drugs, drinking and gambling. I was second, third and fourth best to everything. I left him after 8 months and never looked back found out. I later found out i was pregnant and because I refused to get back together he declined to have anything to do with DD. He's now disappeared.

I have spent a lot of time doing work on myself and going to therapy to build my confidence in myself and breaking those cycles I was in. It has made me realise that I am good enough doing life on my own. I'm happier and I am free from those awful intrusive thoughts. You are allowed to walk away and you are enough to be seen and put first.

Now when I meet people I ask myself, would I want this for my DC? If the answer is no, then i'm out! Honestly, Don't accept poor behaviour and character assassination as your own normal. A healthy connection is supposed to enhance who you are not destroy you.