Empty and confused

[BeQuaintRaven]

I recently went away for a much needed break with my partner of 40 years.. Cut a long story short wev always been really happy have 3 grown up children and grandchildren.. While on holiday I took him to a beautiful remote snow covered bridge and went down on one knee and asked him to marry me..
He just laughed.. Then realising I was actually serious.. I could see the thoughts going over and no words coming out!!.. After about 5 mins he said "if you feel the need to get married"
Honestly I now have a million things going on inside my head. I feel rejected.. let down.. taken for granted and worst of all so sad that my romantic dream was shattered in those few moments.
I now just feel iv humiliated myself and 2 weeks on im feeling worse and finding it hard to look ahead and move on..am i just feeling sorry for myself? and is it asking to much to ask your soul mate to marry you??

I think if you've been together 40 years and marriage has never come up.... why now? And why surprise him/her with it? Surely would've been better to have a grown up conversation. He/she's not a mind reader. Presumably it wasn't that important to you before so how were they to know you'd changed your mind?

Not a great reaction, no. So, now you need to sit down (if you haven't already) and talk about where this has come from and what the idea of marriage means to you.

If they're really not keen what does it mean for you (is it actually an indicator of the state of the relationship?) and where to do you want to go?

Have you honestly never had the discussion of marriage before? If you have, what was said? Has it always been a presumption you would one day marry? If you haven't had the marriage chat then why the hell not?

I wouldn’t necessarily say you’ve been rejected as such though appreciate in the moment it felt like it. But look at it from his pov, if after 40 years of contentment living together with no formality and you suddenly and out of the blue ask him to marry you he’s not seeing it as a loving and romantic gesture and it would be unfair of you to expect him to feel the way you predicted. To me his response is natural to him and doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He was probably in his head pacnicking thinking where the feck has this come from but tbf to him still sort of gave a green light if it was important to you. I think you should just adddress it properly and why you want marriage and have a proper adult conversation about it and make plans from there.

You've been with this person for 40 years. You probably shouldn't have formulated a big romantic dream in your head, then acted on it, without talking to him about it first.

Apologise to your other half for springing it onto him, and then tell him you'd still love to get married if he's up for it.

It's not too much to ask your soul mate to marry you.

It's potentially a bit much to secretly orchestrate an out of the blue proposal with no prior discusssion to check they'd be up for it after forty years and then get the hump that they'd shattered your romantic dreams when they seemed a bit bewildered.

I guess we never felt the need to get married.. We were just carried along in the flow of life work etc.. Children grew up grandchildren growing up fast and now i just felt the time was right to move our relationship on to the true commitment stage and enjoy our retirement as Man & Wife.. It never crossed my mind he would react the way he did.. I guess maybe im the one that took his reaction for granted but honestly after spending a lifetime together you think you know the other person like the back of your hand.. I got it wrong clearly.. now Im worried iv created cracks in our foundations.. Its not been mentioned since.. Its become that akward moment neither of us want to bring up

My parents never maried, dad died 2 years ago. Probate was an absolute nightmare.
Unromantic as it may sound, being married is very important. I had this conversation with a friend recently and she married her partner 2 weeks later (they have a house and young child together).
When it comes to pensions you need to be married, if either of you suffered with poor health, being married makes a difference.
I know you feel knocked by your partners response, but you do need to have a practical and honest discussion about your emotional needs, and also the practicalities.