How do I support my grieving partner when they get angry?

[123support456]

I’ve experienced grief and the anger.

But I haven’t experienced anyone who is grieving.

My partner lost her mother very suddenly and unexpectedly.

She is experiencing anger and it feels like it is aimed at me - this may not be correct, this is just how it feels.

In turn, I get overwhelmed and panic and shutdown.

We are both very neurodiverse in different ways.

Same sex relationship. I’m never sure whether to point this out or not. I suppose it doesn’t make any difference.

How do I help and support and not take the anger personally?
I want to be there and not fuck this up.

She may be grieving and she may be angry but it's not ok to turn that anger on you. If it happened very recently, I'd cut her some slack but I'd make it clear that it's not okay to treat me like that.

She may benefit from bereavement counselling and finding strategies for dealing with her grief. Cruse offer free bereavement counselling. There are also specialists in ND counselling. She can try BACP or the National Autistic Society for advice.

She has been apologetic. And she used the words “please cut me some slack.”

Im just getting things wrong to be honest.

I get angry too when I’m overwhelmed with life stuff and she handles it so much better than me.

Sometimes you're in the eye of the storm and just have to deal with it. People can behave very out of character in the midst of grief.

Cut her some slack means don't be too harsh on her because she's suffering and not in her right mind.

She needs to let it out of her system and her emotions will fluctuate. You might find it helpful to read up on the different stages of grief. Don't take her behaviour personally.

I was the family punch bag when my gran died. I am an easy target - never shouted or argued back. But it caused deep damage so this needs nipping in the bud. Grief is horrendous and it makes you not yourself but you cannot abuse those around you.
Say to her ‘I know you are suffering, how can I help you when you get those feeling so you don’t need to take it out on me? Let me work with you on this to find a way we can both handle’.