Do I try and find happiness?

[Frances1960]

I’m approaching 65 and have been married for nearly 39 yrs. I’ve two adult daughters one of which has just had her first baby.
Ive been unhappy in my marriage for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel happiness. I’ve got to the stage where I dislike my husband. We have no physical contact as I can’t bare him touching me. I knows there are problems obviously but I think he’s too afraid to talk about it.
I now have the chance to be with someone that I love. We’ve known each other for years, had a brief affair 15 yrs ago when he was still married but now he’s divorced. He has been very tolerant about my situation but he needs to know, which I understand.
If I stay with my husband my relationship with * will have to end. If I leave then I’ll make my family very unhappy. I’m so torn.

Life is short.. you only get one shot at happiness. If you've been really unhappy for a long time then leave but leave for yourself. Don't jump straight in with the new man, let your family get used to the idea of you being separated. I'm sure over time they will come round as they probably realise your marriage isn't happy.
Good luck x

totally agree with this. Good luck

What fedup45 wrote in its entirety.

Why would it make your family unhappy?
It's not like you have young kids.

Leave and be single. For at least a year. It's the respectful thing to do. If the guy is decent, he'll wait. And tbh, you may find you prefer staying single anyway. I'm not sure why any 65 year old bothers getting a new partner ...unless he's 45 xD why escape having to deal with a grumpy old man only to get into another relationship with another grumpy old man. Which he will be. It's just the way it goes.

Be happy, single. Then decide after that what you want.

Do it! End your unhappy marriage and end your life happily.

Children (whatever their age) are adaptable and they much prefer seeing their parents happy.

Good luck OP!

Do not just move in with this other guy though. Get your own place. Be sure you can afford to go it alone.

Because there are men out there who seem all in but pull back when the reality hits. He may be a flake when push comes to shove.

If you can support yourself, great, go. If not, look into that first then still go.

But be single for a while either way. You need to rediscover yourself as a single person and find who you are again. And your joy and confidence. Only then should other men be a consideratation.

Your children are adults now op and whether they're happy or not with it, is actually irrelevant imo.

Will you find true happiness with this man ? Maybe, maybe not....but you don't sound happy with your husband at all so a chance maybe worth it.

How would you feel if you left your husband and it all went wrong with this man?

Did your husband find out about the affair when happened ? why did you not divorce then ? If your husband knew about it can see why he's not been happy for last 15 years knowing you would rather be with another (but cant be as other man wont leave his wife).

I think it is a mistake to think that happiness lies primarily in a relationship with any other person. I wonder how much time you have spent as an adult living alone and working out who you are and what you want rather than it always beeping a pressure to meet the needs of a spouse and children and work etc. Be clear about who you are and what you want as an individual.

Don't directly compare a long marriage relationship with the excitement of a new (old) relationship. They are in very different stages. If you do leave your husband to be with this other person there will be a point at which there will be difficulties and issues in that relationship too. There always are.

I'd take 6 months or so to have some therapy and work out who you are and what you now want in life. Doing this in therapeutic relationship will help you not to just think in the "same old" patterns you are used to and will hopefully give you a clearer perspective.

During this time I would deliberately not jump to making any big changes. I'd have minimal contact with "other man". Let yourself truly know what you want and what is right for you rather than being blinded by the limerence that occurs in a new and exciting relationship.

It may be that you decide that your marriage should come to an end. It may be that you decide you want to be with "other man" but let that be because you have chosen this for its own sake as being right for you as an individual rather than seeing a new relationship as the path to happiness. Putting all your eggs in that basket is pretty well doomed I think.

You wouldn't see me for dust. Your children are adults, leave.

You've put up with being unhappy in a loveless marriage for decades, so put yourself first for a change. You need to find out who you are all over again, so don't rush into a relationship with someone else straight away.

There is that old saying 'out of the frying pan, into the fire' so take it steadily.

No he didn’t

fair enough, but if you've spent the last 15 years wanting to be with this other guy then that will have definitely impacted on your behaviour in your relationship with your husband, which cant have been anything positive for your relationship.

Why didn't you leave him then?

Go for it.

Leave but don't do it for another man. Leave for your own well-being.
Leave to enjoy living by yourself, on your own terms.

Wow! Mumsnet double standards again.

You would have been crucified for having an affair if you were a man. There is no mention of your dh having done anything wrong and you are the one who shuns any form of affection from what you have written.

It’s a shame he didn’t get a chance at happiness with someone else by leaving you years ago.

My husband and I ran a business together, a business that I’d always hated. I was our lively hood and I suppose I was just too scared to make the break for financial reasons

You’d also be doing your do a favour by leaving him. It can’t be much fun for either of you. Maybe he needs some freedom and fun too.

Why are you so sure your family will be unhappy if you (accept your feelings are valid and) leave?

Financially, it becomes harder to maintain the family home and perhaps it needs to be sold and there will be upheaval and the visions for what different people had of their nuclear family unit will need to change.

This doesn’t mean greater unhappiness also results. It might be the total opposite. And yes there might disapproval all round - to begin with. But your children are adults and you surely have waited long enough?

IF.. you leave and become happier and more fulfilled and settled, and your now husband has a chance to start over, and gets the chance to have a full physical love life and a fully committed partner too, isn’t that as /more important than what others think or say?

Put this way, if your daughter (the one with the child) was in the position you are in now and at the exact age and stage of life you are at, what would you like her to know?
“Stay”
Hold the family unit together at all costs and deny all of your own feelings and wants…
“Leave”
Your needs and wishes are as valid as everyone else’s, you have already ignored them for too long, and they still haven’t changed…
Something else?

I agree with other replies saying that if you leave you must do it for yourself, not this other man. And that building a better life for yourself should be your number one priority, not fitting into a new caregiving role too fast.

Life is too short to be unhappy !

What are you waiting for ?

The only person who can change things is YOU !

Start the divorce

Start a new life

Well yes you need to leave, if nothing else then because your husband may deserve better than somebody who cheated on him and is still in love with another person.

Leave but as others have said, don’t rush headlong into a new relationship because you could find that day to day reality doesn’t match up to the excitement of an affair.