I don’t know what to do anymore

[Mamiberna]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 16 years . We have 2 kids together 12-10.

I have been feeling so unhappy this past few years to the point my mental health is affected. Even the thought of him touching me and calling me babe makes me cringe .
A bit of a background. We got together when I was 22years old and he got himself in a situation where he had to go to prison for 6months and after he was released, he was threatened with deportation back to his birth country given he had a criminal record . Because I loved him at the time I decided to support him during his legal battle with immigration. We started living together and I felt pregnant with our first child. Meanwhile he couldn’t work so I had to support him financially. When my daughter was 18 months the immigration arrested him and he got detained . 2 days before he was detained we found out I was pregnant with our second child , I spent 7 months of my pregnancy alone and I hid what was going on to my family, lying to them he was gone to work in another country. Meanwhile I still had to support him financially , look after myself while pregnant and our little girl. It was such a terrible part of my life travelling to go and see him in detention , attending courts the rejections from courts ….. Fast forward after 10 years of battle he was granted leave to stay and I thought finally we will have peace, we will be able to feel like a normal family with a “normal life”.But since he had his documents I have started resenting him for putting through 10 years of constant and stress to the point I really don’t want to be with him anymore it got to a point whenever we have sex I cry because I don’t love him even when he calls me babe it aggravates me . I just feel our relationship is just a partnership during the time he had immigration problems I had to play the role of the man and the woman in our relationship to the point forgot how to be soft and feminine. My mental health has been seriously affected lately to the point I have turned to drinking alcohol to comfort me and to numb how I feel . I do want to tell him I don’t want to be with him anymore but I don’t know how . I need advice please

tell him it is over. Address your alcohol issues. Lead a new and happier life.

Leave.

This relationship sounds like it has been dead for a long time. He is a dead weight to you and brings nothing positive to your life. Tell him it's over and build a better life for yourself.

End it, and have a lot of therapy. Google ‘sunk cost fallacy’.

Find a way to tell him it's over. Don't let him take any more of your life, especially don't let him take your health if you ruin it with drinking.

You've done your best by him, now he can leave.

You're allowed to leave him
You feel like you can't after so long, but he'd walk out on you in a heartbeat if he thought he'd be happier doing so I promise you

Having sex and crying afterwards can really damage you as a person and you need to leave just for this reason alone. You've given enough to this man and been through too much. Your happiness is the most important thing for your children and you will get the support you need as a mother. Why are you reluctant to leave can I ask, is it the pressure of financial things, emotional or the weight of it all? I'm just asking if it's because you're scared of him so I can help you further if that is the case. X

It’s the weight of it all , I feel he’s all I have known.He makes me feel I always need to be on the defensive always having to justify myself.Currently I feel like I am in a relationship against my will , I cry during sex because I don’t feel that attraction and connection anymore I am completely numb inside. There are times I have sex against my willingness to just to keep peace because whenever I say no he questions me and ask if I am having an affair. I have told him many times I was unhappy but I get ignored, made to feel I am the problem and called selfish. He’s a great dad and leaving him makes me feel guilty my kids will lose out

It sounds like you're in a controlling relationship, the fact that you feel like you have to have sex just to keep the peace is awful, I've been in this situation and it really damaged my confidence. Unless he's completely stupid and ridiculously ignorant of your feelings. He will know this, and to know this and not want to communicate with you or stop it when he can tell you don't want to do it is abusive and it sounds like you're walking on eggshells around him.

I wouldn't even have a conversation with him. It sounds like you're a smart decent person and he wouldn't understand or respect your wishes even if you tried to. I'd organise yourself financially alone or with a friend if the weight is too much. Universal credit really look after mums and you'd probably be better off. Once you feel ready tell him to leave and have a family member or friend be with you when you do, I have a feeling he won't go easily especially if he has emigrated, he will need you probably to stay here. It sounds like you're realising yourself that this person doesn't make you happy and has caused you nothing but stress.

Don't doubt that you can do this, you absolutely can, you just need some help. I'd get as much advice from citizens advice, friends, family or anyone you know who has been in a similar situation. You deserve a happy life with your kids x

Children are always happier with split happy parents, than unhappy parents that are together. You can't live your life like this, they will know something is up and imagine how much of an amazing role model you will be to their adult selves in the future if they ever find themselves in the same situation. It will be hard and upsetting but everything will heal in time. X