Am I in the wrong

[Needtofacereality]

I have always made an effort with my in laws just because I was brought to be kind and respectful ( simple really just be kind). They can be difficult and not particularly nice people at times but love my DH so I rise above it and continue to make effort.

However I have got a point where I don’t see why I should for what ever reason they have turned extra cool towards me recently and I find it bluming disrespectful I am there sons wife.They will always be welcome in our home as DH parents but I will no longer be putting that extra effort or inviting them for example I cooked Sunday lunch for Mother’s Day and invited my Mum round. Last year I invited them to join us this year I didn’t. I was fully honest with DH why and he understood he sent her a present and spoke to her on the day instead.

am I been unnecessarily unkind?

What does your husband think of his parents behaviour?. He is key here. Does he at all notice how unkind they are and have been to you?.

The problem with people like his parents is that they play by their own set of arbitrary rules only and not the "normal" rules of familial relations. They never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. They are toxic people who have no empathy nor insight.

Stop re rising above it, making any further effort re them and potentially letting your DH use you as some sort of buffer. Is he himself mired in fear, obligation and guilt re them?. He needs to support you fully as his wife and show them his primary loyalty is now to you. He not standing for their crap behaviour and telling them straight would be a start.

Do not make any further effort for people who are unkind and or cannot be bothered with you. Why should they be at all welcomed in your home given how they've behaved?. Would you have tolerated this from a friend too?. And yes you have every right to be upset at how you;'ve been treated; do not squash your feelings down here.

Well done for putting in a boundary re this year's Mothers day as well.

Read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

I would continue to be polite but leave invitations and hosting to your husband.

@AttilaTheMeerkat its like you know my in laws that’s exactly what they are like.
as much as I would like to say don’t want them in my home I don’t want to put DH in that position. They will never change so I need to find a way to live with it. With a balance of my own happiness and keeping the peace. As much as I shouldn’t need to i don’t want make things awkward for DH. He does stick up for me but they are his parents end of the day I wouldn’t want to be the reason he didn’t have a nice relationship with them.

Take a big step back and just don't bother with them, at all. Let your DH deal with them. He can make the arrangements to see them, visit them, buy them gifts and all the rest. That way, you can protect yourself from their dysfunctional behaviour by keeping a distance - but as you will still see them (occasionally), this should keep the peace.

Don't feel guilty, this is a situation that they created. You owe them nothing.

@Needtofacereality Would you invite people into your home space that were rude or ignorant towards your husband and expect him to just ignore it. To stick up for him but keep inviting them?

or would you instead keep your home space as a safe space and meet them elsewhere if at all?

If this was your family being rude to him - would you allow it to keep happening year in year out in your own home?! I really hope not.

They may be his family - but this is your home. The space you should be able to feel comfortable in.

If people can’t be polite/civil to you both - they don’t pass your threshold.

@TheMimsy thats a really really good point and shockingly I have never thought about it like that 😔.

All this being nice, keeping the peace etc just gives your toxic in-laws further opportunity to abuse and otherwise mistreat you. They do not do nice and it’s their behaviour towards you that has caused such problems so it is not your DHs or your fault. It’s your DHs inertia re his parents that hurts him as well as you.

You do not have to tolerate dreadful family relations. Do not set yourself on fire to keep your Dh warm. He’s grown up with them so likely regards their behaviour as normal when it is clearly otherwise.