Is it possible to make this relationship work?

[PositiveCapybara]

Posting on here as hoping someone might have been in a similar situation and be able to give advice, life experience, or even just tell me i'm being unreasonable! Feeling pretty low, please keep comments kind... and sorry for the essay!!

Im 40,F and been with my partner 44,M for about 2 years. We don't have children yet but hope to, and froze embryos within a year of meeting. So I'm super invested. We live together, and we are close in many ways / click with the sort of connection that happens once or twice in a lifetime. But we are quite different in some ways and I am currently really struggling with feelings of sexual rejection, emotional neglect and his increasing need for distance and space after the most minor of disagreements. (He can take up to 2 days to get back to normal after not even having had an argument, but just a discussion involving our feelings). During this time he rejects me emotionally and physically, though he says he just needs space. We recently started couples counselling, (with reluctance initially on his end) but we have only had a few sessions, and I am not sure how much it is helping at this point. They say it gets harder before it gets better?

We have always had minor conflicts over simple misunderstandings that just seem to escalate. But its been getting worse to the point when now even small discussions lead to him needing space for up to 2 or 3 days before he's ok again. During this time, if I try to approach him I get a friendly but distanced demeanour (which really hurts). He usually mellows over the day so we can at least be normal around each other, but if I suggest anything even hinting at sex, cuddles, or closeness, he totally withdraws again. I am someone who ideally prefers to talk things out, but I can recognise his need for space. We are emotionally very different and I have always felt that we didn't communicate effectively. This worried me in the early days, but he convinced me he had empathy and was sweet and supportive early on. I hoped with time this would improve. But these days, if I get upset during an argument, he withdraws... and if I cry he tells me he feels like he's the only adult in the relationship, like he has to be my parent...! (which I would never want.) He kicked me out of the house once in the middle of an argument and told me the relationship was over. He quickly took it back, and I understand that he must have been feeling claustrophobic to breaking point at that time, but I didn't have anywhere else to go that night, and I have never quite felt like he was truly sorry for that because although he apologised several times, he defended what he did.

We also have differing sex drives. I would say mine is average (happy with 3-4x a week) but he is basically only really up for it if we are 100% happy. The other times, I feel like he's just doing it because I want to. (though he always says afterwards he's glad we did!) After a disagreement, or even a positive conversation to resolve a misunderstanding, he takes sex off the table for anything from 1 to 3 days. Sex has historically been my way to feel fully reconnected after resolving a disagreement. His attitude to it is starting to make me feel like there is something wrong with me, for wanting sex to reconnect after conflict. Even when we're fine, I don't feel able to suggest sex now, in case he rejects me. I'd be ok if it was done kindly, but he gets a bit defensive and tells me its his right to say no. I basically never feel desired by him now and its killing a small part of my soul.

I suffer with anxiety and past trauma / abandonment, but have had years of therapy and am trying really hard to get a handle and awareness on how it affects me / how I might affect others. I think I've made some real progress on this, but I know I still have work to do. I'm also trying hard to avoid any effect on my partner, and I apologise to him if it ever does (its happening less than it used to). I feel he has no interest in understanding my past or my trauma deeper. He takes it very personally when I have experience that fear of abandonment, even I ensure he knows it's nothing he has done wrong. He then needs space from me. He says hes upset becuase everything he is doing to show me he loves me is not enough for me and I am asking for more (emotional support). And he gets frustrated and upset that I need more. I now feel it is not ok to ask for his support in these situations, which makes me feel a bit alone. To an extent, I do see that I should be working on self-regulating from within and I am working hard on this with a therapist for the last year. It all just feels a bit one way and on this, the sex, and the distance / space he needs, I sometimes feel there is very little compromise on his side. Though I think he believes he's compromising as much as he can.

I will say that, in the past few weeks since the therapy has started, I have seen some small inklings of improvement, but I now wonder if he was just pacifying me to keep the peace. And of course I could never ask him this as it would send him away further emotionally.
Rightly or wrongly, when he distances himself for a few days, or rejects me sexually even though we're actually in a good place, it kills me, because I do truly love this man.

This has never happened in past relationships - I have previously tended towards guys who are emotionally intelligent and in tune with me, and who 'understood me' (they usually also had had childhood trauma or were able to express their emotions effectively) but these relationships never worked out because we argued all the time, or I lost interest. Having had a lot of therapy, I figured I'd try to date someone a bit different / more stable, and current partner made me feel very safe and happy in the beginning. We've been together two years now. In many ways I feel secure, and I know he loves me (he tells me that he builds his whole life around me) and this means so much to me... but I miss the zero verbal affirmation (he's an 'acts of service' kinda guy and im very much a verbal person). And I am struggling to cope with the distancing and feeling of sexual rejection.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this and is it possible it will get better with time? Any of you guys on here able to shed light on whats happening with him when he needs space? Or are there red flags I am missing? TIA.

I couldn’t really get past the first time you mentioned he needs f
days to get over a minor disagreement
having skim read you sound very very incompatible
re children - would you be prepared to be a single parent because being blunt I would rather than me with this man child
i don’t know legally if you could as these are embryos not eggs but I’d look into it

'He can take up to 2 days to get back to normal after not even having had an argument, but just a discussion involving our feelings. During this time he rejects me emotionally and physically, though he says he just needs space.'

I have experienced this with an ex. and now view it as manipulative and controlling. I am not sure, either, that any good relationship should involve quite this much talking about feelings. Very difficult for you, OP but there is time for you to explore other options.

I haven't read the whole post but from what I can gather he's abusive. He withdraws to punish you and that includes sex.

Withdrawing intimacy as a punishment is abusive. You need to stop counselling and that's a big red flag - having couple's counselling after two years.

OP how are you meant to resolve anything in the relationship if he withdraws when you bring up your feelings? He doesn't want to be challenged and he doesn't want to compromise.

When you come from a difficult background, you often feel that you're different or there's something wrong with you. There's something wrong with your radar, perhaps that's because you were brought up by dysfunctional parents but there's nothing wrong with you.

Your feelings are perfectly normal and reasonable.

He's got you dancing and trying to keep him happy. You're doing all this therapy and introspection and apologising and he just "needs space" all the time.

How can this be "a once or twice in a lifetime connection" when he is such hard work?

I would ask yourself completely different questions.

1. How is this relationship benefitting you?
2. How is this relationship improving your emotional and mental safety?
3. Why are you spending all your energy trying to figure out what he wants instead of what you want?
4. Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your limited life on this planet?
5. Do you think having children will make this situation better?
6. Is it fair to even consider bringing kids into this?

This all seems to be about him and his feelings. All this sulking and making you feel bad is really emotionally abusive. He couldn't care less about your feelings. He's incredibly self absorbed and manipulative. Do yourself a favour OP and stop wasting all your energy on this. He's wasting your time. This won't be a good environment for children I'm sorry. I would leave.

You don't need joint relationship counselling, you need to see someone on your own. They will point out that his behaviour towards you (the stonewalling, the silent treatment, withdrawal of affection, telling you that he's the only adult in the relationship when he makes you cry, kicking you out of your home mid-argument) is all abusive.

For some reason, you are unable to see him as an abuser.

It doesn't matter whether your anxiety/past trauma has an effect on others. He is abusing you and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Please don't start thinking that if only you could fix yourself then everything in the garden will be rosy. It won't. He will continue to be abusive and maipulative, because that's who he is.

Please don’t bring an innocent child into this fucked up scenario.

If you choose to stay, that’s your own prerogative, but this is not a healthy relationship.

Thanks so much for all the comments so far... I wanted to add that he doesn't withdraw to punish me. I know that. He doesnt seem to be able to deal with his feelings any other way... I suspect he may be on the ASD spectrum as it looks like a sort of emotional internal meltdown when he does this.

Not making excuses for his bad behaviour - I am plenty annoyed with how he treats me sometimes! But I feel I must look within myself also..

And we aren't planning on having kids any time soon. We both know it would not be feasible currently.

Not making excuses for his bad behaviour

Yes you are.

You are making excuses for his behaviour.

Nothing you write re him at all suggests he is on the autistic spectrum. Please educate yourself as to what ASD is because your knowledge if it is very poor. He’s doing this to you because he can and enjoys the power and control he has over you. His behaviour towards you is abusive and therefore the relationship is over or should be.

I feel for you OP. This is one of those 'not quite bad enough' scenarios I feel. I think a lot of it has to come from you - what you want and whether you can live with this.

I read a good book recently, something about The Seven Laws of Marriage and it said that most couples have easy to fix problems and also problems that are never fixed - the couples have one or two areas where they are just radically different or opposed and they have to learn how to get by with that never changing. They can change arguments about who takes the bins out, but they cannot change the fact that one is a 'go out' and the other is a 'stay in' for example. What they have to do is learn how to manage those issues without them blowing up the relationship.

You could for example, continue to strengthen yourself emotionally so that you need less from him. You could have a written thing about how he IS like this, it is NOT great for you but you minimise its impact in XYZ ways and you laugh at it and accept it these days.

But what what we are talking about is sex, which is important to some people, and emotional closeness, which is also important to some people. And making the decision about whether you can cope with this forever can only be made by you.

To me it reads that you need too much from him perhaps, therefore if you strengthen yourself you won't need him so much - BUT then again I am a very self sufficient person and what I could stand may not be the same as what you can stand, or what you WANT.

Of course you’re making excuses for his behaviour. You’re wearing rose tinted specs which are obscuring more red flags than Moscow on Putins birthday parade.

He's a manipulative controlling abusive twat - open your eyes and see what’s in front of them.

Agree with everyone above: it’s abuse. Sorry OP. My ex was the same, and I was like you, spending enormous amounts of time and mental effort trying to understand him. It was futile. You can’t fix him, you can’t change him. He could change himself but it would take a very long time and lots of effort, and most likely he doesn’t want to so he’s not going to. The sooner you stop trying and walk away, the sooner you get your life and self-esteem back.

I know you want connection, but he wants control. I knew nothing about emotional abuse before my ex, but I’ve educated myself. Read about the patterns of behaviour and you’ll recognise your partner. You probably think he’s really unique and special, as I thought about my ex. But all these abusive men are the same as each other. It will traumatise you, but you’ll survive and learn something really important from this experience. Good luck.

It's really simple, OP. No functioning relationship with an actual, realisable future would be this hard and require this much analysis.

You can turn yourself inside out trying to pretend otherwise, but that's the bottom line.

You are making excuses for his awful behaviour OP. This relationship is very one sided with you walking on eggshells to keep the peace. He is emtionally abusive and controlling and he has you just where he wants you, 'Mr Sensitive' where you daren't mention anything that might hurt his precious feelings. Please seek counselling for yourself, do the freedom programme and read Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that'. You will recognise your partner in those pages!

Harvest more of your eggs to use on your own OP before it's too late .

Imagine parenting with this prince. Nightmare. Don't wait for him to come along through all this emotional work, op, he doesn't want to and he won't. Harvest eggs or go to a sperm donor place and do it on your own. This is not a genuine rare joyful connection.

Couples counselling after 2 years? You should still be in the “honeymoon period” so to speak. It sounds exhausting, he sounds emotionally abusive (not done to punish you? Pull the other one) and really I think you should throw him back and find a more suitable fish.

I'm not sure he is abusive but this is definitely the avoidant/anxious attachment dance. Look it up. If he needs days of space after a small disagreement then he is an extreme avoidant and this doesn't get better, only worse over time.

The reason why PPs have said he is abusive is because all of these actions are abusive, it is just that typically an avoidant doesn't intend to hurt you etc, their needs just come first.

I've dated one of these and I will never do it again and i say that as someone who is securely attached. The excessive need for space, lack of compliments etc will make any remotely normal, reciprocal relationship impossible so that one day your self esteem will be on the floor.

Couples counselling RARELY works with avoidants. They think you are the problem and you need to do the work and they are fine. If he behaves like this he is nowhere near as stable as you thought. Emotionally he is broken and this will never improve unless he recognises the problem for himself. In reality, most avoidants need to go to therapy on their own and they typically only do that once they lose someone they really loved - not in a relationship.

P.S. People need to stop saying that avoidant men are ND! It is deeply offensive to ND people and unjustified!

He's a monster! There is nothing you can do to fix him or the relationship. He wants to treat you in this cruel way because he enjoys it and it gives him a feeling of power and superiority over you. He is training you to put up and shut up.

Ditch the couples therapy - he will only gain insight into your defence. Get some therapy for yourself.

Leave him. He is not your friend and he will never make you happy.