The start of NC with parent and guilt for my LO

[Lollichinupxx]

My dad and I had a major row. He was visiting and I passed a comment - I am very blunt in my personality (on the spectrum), I admit, but we all are in our family and is generally agreed as standard communication, believe it or not! Anyway, my dad took it really badly, escalated to him packing up his bags and leaving. He left a note for his grandson, my son, saying he loves him. I now feel tremendous amount of guilt for my son. He is only 2 years old and loves his grandad. I messaged my dad saying his welcome back but I really feel this is the start of a NC relationship with no return. I feel a big sense of responsibility for this whole mess and feel it is a shame/pity my dad’s trip had to be cut short and my LO won’t get to spend as much time with him, if ever again at all. I am happy to make amends and apologise - my dad’s getting old and life’s too short but I think he is too proud to make up and I am left feeing guilty.

Would appreciate thoughts on this from whoever went through a similar situation xx

I think you need to work on your 'bluntness.' So many people say they are 'straight to the point and speak the truth' when in reality they think their voice is louder and more important than the rest in the room and it makes most folk eye roll.

(I'm ND too, btw, and can say things impulsively, but I don't make it my personality and call myself blunt.)

if you feel like you've been in the wrong I would sincerely apologise and give him space. What did you say for him to leave?

@JaneBoulton yes, you are right. I am by no means accepting my bluntness when I say it’s part of my personality- it’s a work in progress. Unfortunately it is the environment I was brought up in and not so easy to change.

I asked him to get off his non-urgent phone call, which he had been on for an hour, because my LO was asking for him and only had 20mins before he had to go to nursery. I wanted them to spend some time together before nursery drop off.

If you normally have a good relationship and you were rude then maybe try and make amends but I imagine thats not the case here.
If your parents are not nice then don't inflict them on your child, its your job to protect him from arseholes wherever possible.
Your father and son may have a good relationship now but as your son gets older whatever crap you had to endure will probably come his way too

Could you apologise to your father ?

I think the real question is SHOULD she apologise to her father?

OP - you were not being blunt. You were being rude and unreasonable. And completely in the wrong here.
Your post made it sound like your Dad was somehow nasty to a small child and you called him out on it. And like its a regular thing - hence considering no contact.

But then you mentioned what happened…🤷🏻‍♀️
Have you heard of ‘the precious firstborn syndrome’ - if not - read up on it.

I know to us our kids feel like the center of universe, but they really not.
So - LO could have just come to grandpa and hugged him before nursery, while grandpa ways on the phone. And it all didn't need to escalate to an argument.

As a parent of teenagers - i can tell you - that kids that always get put first in priority for any whim - where they dont hear NO; and dont learn that other people are also important and have their own needs/desires outside - grow up really selfish.

It sounds like you are both overreacting and creating unnecessary drama. It’s not healthy for kids to be around that. If you can’t both act like reasonable, rational adults, don’t speak by all means, but it’s better to shield your child from this kind of behaviour. Writing a letter to your son is emotionally manipulative of your dad. Thankfully your son is too small to be fully aware of what’s happening but if he was older, that is unhealthy behaviour for him to be around.

I apologised because I don’t hold any hard feelings but he said he won’t come back.

@MMmomDD I suppose I’d have been better off backing my argument with the full reality here. We see each other
every 6 months or so and my dad is addicted to his phone. He is constantly on his phone around us when visiting and I am sorry but yes, the little time we have together, I’d appreciate it if he’d manage it better. If not, then there’s no point in us meeting tbh. So matters escalated from my end after penting up emotions regarding this. I agree - I should have approached it better but I don’t think he needed to leave.

@MisterMeeseeks I thought the exact same when I found the letter. I thought it was emotionally manipulative towards
me too as he knew I’d find it and feel guilty. My LO was off to nursery and didn’t witness any of the drama.

Ah okay, from your OP I thought you must've said something rude, but I don't think you were rude at and I think he was rude being on the phone for so long!

This sounds like a lot of fuss over something that just needs an apology. Why would you go NC and destroy your family?

If your son is only two years old, that note wasn’t left for his benefit. It was so that you would feel the emotional impact of it and feel the guilt you’re feeling now.

Only you will know wether the relationship is one you want to repair, and if you feel you were the one at fault, then you need to take steps to make amends.

I am NC with my father. It caused me a lot of anguish to make the decision, thinking I was depriving my children of a relationship with him. But the reality is that he was an absent father, and an even more absent grandfather. Any perceived loss to my children was entirely in my head because he had never taken the time to form a relationship with them. I don’t personally regret it, but I appreciate my circumstances are not the same as yours.

Storm in a teacup, and your dad upset the teacup and saucer.

If you see him once every 6 months, he spends most of it on the phone and then leaves when you ask him to pay a bit of attention to his grandson leaving a manipulative letter behind, he sounds bloody hard work.

Was he looking for an excuse to leave? Or do you always have to put up with his rude behaviour?

Honestly between two people of goodwill, this needs an honest conversation and your dad needs to put his bloody phone down. He's a grandfather nor a 16yo.

If the goodwill isn't there on your dad's side, then it sounds like you have to walk on eggshells around him or he throws a tantrum and leaves you to feel guilty.

Nobody goes NC with their family due to one incident
There is usually a final straw

It sounds like you are catastrophising everything when it’s just a little argument. You were probably a bit rude, but it also sounds like he was being rude. It sounds like he left a note for your son so he wouldn’t just think he disappeared, not because he was going NC. It sounds like everything escalated and he left to cool down and give you space because he was feeling hurt. Just apologise and hopefully he apologises too.

If he goes NC with you because you told him to get off his phone and spend time with his grandchild, well, there are bigger underlying issues there. I’m NC with my mum because she facilitated contact between my children and a known convicted paedophile. And even that took us 3 years of back and forth discussions before I finally decided that the damage was truly irreparable and there was no coming back for either of us.

I’m sure everything will blow over in time.

I may be way off the mark here, but if you’re on the spectrum then it’s very likely your dad is as well - and I wonder if that’s one of the reasons you’re clashing.

My dad and I are both autistic but we present very differently which has caused quite a few misunderstandings and rows over the years. We have very different needs (especially when it comes to sensory stuff) and unfortunately it means we often clash.

Using your phone example - I use mine as a way to regulate when I’m overwhelmed or anxious. I do try not to use it in company but it’s a very easy “go to”
and not an easy habit to break. I’m not trying to make excuses for your dad but I just wonder if it’s a case of you both having very different needs and expectations in terms of your meet-ups and interactions.

What sort of father was he to you when you were growing up?. Is your mum still in your life?. I ask only as she is not mentioned.

You called him out, rightly in my view on his poor behaviour and he’s taken umbrage.

I would not reach out to him and his letter to you was all about manipulation. Let him sulk with his all too precious phone.

@faerietales yes, it is very likely we are both on the spectrum. Following this episode, I will be more conscious of potential triggers when in his presence next time. He said he has absolutely no hard feelings but I feel hurt as he wouldn’t stay and just left. My LO keeps asking for him which is heartbreaking to me, even though he is still very wee.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he was mostly absent but contributed to my upbringing (educational needs, financial needs etc). My parents are divorced but on good speaking terms. That’s the action I am taking - not initiating contact. If he contacts me, I will engage but that’s it. Certainly I am not his parent but when someone is in my own home I do expect a certain type of behaviour and that includes more human engagement over time spent on a phone.