Am I overthinking this please?

[Loulou560]

Hi
Had word with DP of 5 years over weekend about getting married. Known each other a lot longer and have two DC. He’s always said he wants to get married but doesn’t talk about it, or make plans. My Dad is currently not in good health and isn’t t going to get better. My mother has passed away. I asked him if he still wants to get married, as it’s been really bothering me. I would like my Dad to be there and I can’t understand why we’re waiting (I’m in 40s and he’s in his 50s). I was being honest and said I don’t know how I’d feel towards him if my Dad passes away then he wants to get married after, knowing that he’s in poor health now. He said ‘of course I want to get married.’ I had a bit of a rant about why the hell hasn’t he done anything about it before now, and he replies ‘let’s just do it.’ I said I need to understand why he’s held off til now, and he said we’ll talk when the children are in bed. There have been a couple of opportunities over the weekend we could have spoken. I thought I’d wait for him to bring it up but he hasn’t. I’m just fed up of having to bring things up with him (he’s not a good communicator) as it makes me feel like a nag.
He asked me what was wrong this morning when I left for work, and I explained that I’m upset again that he hasn’t brought up the subject after the cliffhanger conversation a few days ago, and I seem to have pissed him off. He asked me ‘why didn’t you mention it?’
Am I just being silly? I shouldn’t have to initiate this conversation over and over surely?
Should I just suck it up as he said ‘let’s just do it.’ I just feel like there should be more effort from him to initiate, not some fairytale proposal, but just some action.
I’m in perimenopause, and don’t know if I’m getting into a state over nothing.
Thanks

I'm afraid OP it's pretty obvious he really doesn't want to get married.
Do you really want to force him into marrying you?

To me it sounds like he’s stringing you along tbh. And now, I’d be concerned that he’s only doing it to appease you, not because he actually wants to get married. Why would you want to marry someone who’s so non-committal to you?

I would guess given his age, he probably just cant be arsed with the hassle/expense of a wedding. I doubt he's stringing you along, he's got 2 kids with you and sounds like you live as a married couple as it is.

@Coughcoughcoughallthetime I really don’t want to get married unless he really wants to. He tells me thought that he does. It’s so confusing.

Well he might tell you that but his actions and his prevarications are saying different.
Imo he is being more unkind to you by not being honest, especially given your concerns about your Dad and his health, than telling the truth about his feelings on the matter would be.

Please stop. I did the same with my ex husband when I was 30. We'd been together 5 years, and turning 30 had made me realise I wanted to be married to him. He'd never hidden that he wasn't bothered about marriage one way or the other.

The year I turned 30 was also a leap year, so I proposed to him on that date. He agreed to marry, to 'shut me up about it'. Long story short, I knew by his behaviour on our wedding day - wandered off with his friends to the reception hotel and left me standing on my own outside the registry office (and didn't come back for me, I walked into our wedding reception on my own) and then sulked for about an hour because he didn't like the way his mother had arranged the tables - that I'd made a massive mistake. He'd also told me that a engagement/wedding ring was a 'waste of money'. He was a shit husband and I eventually left him just after I turned 40.

15 years later and I'm still sad when I look back at those 15 years. I hate to say that they were a 'waste', but when it comes to my romantic life, in reality they were. I was with someone who just wasn't that committed to me. We got married when we should have split up.

@noidea69 I know what you mean. I have always been transparent though and said I wanted marriage, and so has he on the rare occasion we’ve spoken about it. I would’ve want a big, expensive wedding as we’ve both been married before.

Ok but you have to take personal responsibility too op. You've had two kids with this guy and not bothered to say 'im pregnant so it's time to book the church'.

You can't tell us you've been sitting about popping out kids and not bothered to take action on this because, what, you were waiting on some fairytale proposal?

If you want the wedding book it.

Why he hasn't? Because you've sat on your hands and allowed him not too.

He wants to get married. He feels like you are already are so doesn't see any urgency. You sound like you are feeling unmoored due to the loss of your mum and slow bereavement of your father.

Treat it like you are engaged and plan a wedding.

He doesn't sound like Mr Romantic but god give me somebody steady and straightforward any day over empty grand gestures and subsequent heart ache anyday.

He said let's just do it so go ahead and book it. He's willing to get married and you want to get married so what's stopping you? Don't waste time waiting for him to do anything because he's clearly not the type to make it happen himself. If you keep going on about his lack of action, you'll just cause rows and what's the point in that? Book it today! 💐