Help me break this pattern

[LuLuLu85]

Hi guys,

I'm 39 & have fallen into a bit of a relationship pattern.

The last two relationships I've been have started off brilliantly, but around the 4 month mark I have experienced emotional distance and pullback. From the get go, I've been clear about my intentions and desires in dating - looking for a LTR, have a busy and rewarding career and healthy social life, as a stage where I am actively prioritising making space and time for a partner, would like a family in future but open to what form this takes.

As things start to feel emotionally close and I begin to develop feelings... there is a pullback and partners become avoidant and emotionally unavailable. It's happening now with a guy I am dating. Things are exclusive between us, it's been 5 months, we're meeting each others friends - but he's becoming very withdrawn, distant and less affectionate.

With my ex, it was a lot of emotional labour on my part to figure out what had changed and to coax this conversation out of him. He told me that biological children were really important to him, and he could no longer continue to invest in something he didn't see a future in due to my age and profession. It was really hard to take, as I'd never lied about my age or my situation.

Anyone got any advice for me? I'm finding the balance of not being too pushy up front to allow a connection to form naturally vs. being blindsided later down the line.

Help!

L x

Poor you OP. I really empathise. I think some men aren’t capable of sustaining attention and intensity to get to the next level of intimacy.

I had a two years of big career growth, family things and personal work, relationships took a backseat... but coming back to it at 39 - gosh it's brutal!

And what happens if you ride out the pulling away? Does it end anyway? Or would it get through to a more sustainable long term feeling.

I only ask because I’m going through this now too. Three months in and he has stopped eg texting me in the morning. I can’t work out if that’s normal as the first flush wears off or if it is a sign of pulling away.

I think 5 months in it is reasonable to discuss the relationship- where it stands, where it’s going. Not committing to anything permanent but definitely a general sense of whether it has any future beyond the next month or so.

I would have to ask why they have changed and if they are pulling away and giving you a slow fade (probably while they look around for your replacement).

Don’t allow them to say you’re imagining it. In fact if they say that or refuse to have a proper conversation about it, then you will at least know he is not someone you can have a healthy conversation with. People like that will always be tiresome as you’ll have to guess what is happening over and over again throughout the relationship.

If he willingly gives you an explanation, maybe something is going on in his life that is taking precedence at the moment, and can give you some idea when he will be what you are used to again, weigh up whether you want to stick around for that.

That's a good point. I think in this instance, I will ride out the pulling away to see what happens. Perhaps things will end (slow fade) perhaps things will return.

Thank you for affirming, this is really sound advice.

You are right, when anything deeper has come up in convo about where we stand - he deflects, swerves the subject or "I'm really enjoying getting to know you".

When I finally put it to him in a text, to try and open up this conversation - he responded saying we should talk in person, that he wanted to hear what I wanted from the future long term so we could figure out where this goes. He mentioned being hurt in the past by an ex, which had knocked his confidence in relationships.

He then cancelled on plans twice, saying he wasn't in a good headspace. Then he had some hard family news which, to your point, has been very present on his mind since.

When we saw each other, I offered support and a listening ear for what he was going through with his family. He spoke more about his past relationship and why it hurt. He asked me no questions about my desires for the future. It didn't feel possible to have a proper conversation.

I'm left a little frustrated at what feels like a communication breakdown. Figuring out at what point to force a conversation or just move on myself..

Hmm yeah he’s definitely pulling away and behaving like an I rather than a we - you were there as an emotional support human in that conversation but it wasn’t geared to the relationship.

I think I would pull away a bit too.

This sounds a little like he’s emotionally hijacking things to avoid speaking about you and your needs.

Five months I’ve found is very early days and you don’t really know who you’re dealing with yet… but the above is a good clue

Hi OP, going to be blunt about one aspect of this. If you're 39 you can't hang about on the family front. How important is having your own biological child to you? Would you only want to do it if in the right relationship?

Thanks for asking, my focus is on building a strong relationship with a partner where we can support each other as a team.

Until there is a solid foundation, trust, communication etc. I would not plan to start a family - biological or otherwise.

My observation from dating men recently that sometimes they see things in reverse to how I do - that a relationship is a means to an end (reproducing).

I'm really interested to hear other peoples thoughts on this?