DH irritated and sarcastic

[Yomuma]

DH gets irritated (resulting in low level sarcasm/ not speaking / head shaking / walking out of the room) when things don't go to plan.
For example, we might plan to have a nice evening together but I don't feel well / one of the kids isn't well etc - and suddenly the thunder cloud descends (DH gets instantly irritated, "just thought we would have a nice night but what's the point" followed by silence / leaving the room / short snappy replies).
When in this mood, he is also very sarcastic
(Me) "Are you ok?"
"Oh yeah brilliant! Having a great time!"
I find this upsetting as it feels like it's my fault somehow.
In this mood he is also gets quite annoyed by our oldest son, if he makes a mess in the kitchen say, or spills something etc. He almost seems to wait for something to go wrong and when say DS spills something he snaps..."FFS! What are you doing?!" ...
I have tried mentioning his moods to him but his view is that he is a lot better than a couple of years ago (which is true, that was awful) but fundamentally feels he has a right to be annoyed (he was just disappointed because we couldn't have a nice evening / is it any wonder DS irritates him as he is always leaving a mess around etc).
When I raise it DH often turns to sarcasm again "oh yeah I forgot I'm such a horrible person / it's all my fault isn't it".
He has a very stressful job which doesn't help.
When things do go to plan everything he great, he is fun, funny, motivated, engaged. But if anything goes wrong (at work or DS is a bit rude / someone is ill etc) it is like a dark cloud suddenly hits the household and more and more things seem to add to the bad mood. He has said before that I can help if I am a bit more sympathetic (I tend to withdraw when he is like this) but I find it almost impossible to be sympathetic/ kind/ loving when he is being rude, sarcastic, irritable over things I don't believe deserve it. I don't think he understands that even small thing like shaking his head when someone is trying to speak or low key mumbled sarcastic comments is actually really upsetting for me and the kids.
Am I being too sensitive?
Should I just ignore it?
I don't know what to do when he is like this - any advice please?

No one can help being ill, so he’s completely unreasonable there. It’s hard to say in the rudeness, without more information, but he sounds like an irritable prick. What is he reacting to?

You’re definitely not being too sensitive. Don’t doubt yourself. He wants what he wants. And what he wants is VERY important. You need a to be more sympathetic, he says. But the reality is he needs to stop subjecting you all to his moods, but he won’t see it that way. Do you feel he might resent having had children? My ex was like this.

He is supposed to be an adult but is behaving like a spoilt child.
Of course you don't " deserve" to be the brunt of his unpleasant behaviour when things don't go the way he wants.
It's a horrible example for behaviour he is setting to your children and it must be awful to live with.
It sounds as though he needs some sort of anger management therapy . And I think you should be suggesting he gets help to deal with this because you and your children don't deserve to be the brunt of his bad moods.

I don't think he resents having children, but he does struggle with feeling out of control I think - whether that is a child not doing what they are told, acting up in public, making a mess etc - I think he feels like he has lost all control (I suppose we all do!) but he can't shake it off or keep it in perspective. A small inconvenience ruins the whole day / night .... There is a real "don't know why we even bothered trying to have a nice time" attitude

The only way to handle this type of behaviour is not to tolerate it. Confront it calmly but firmly every time. Either he learns or you decide that you’ve had enough.

You married a perpetual teenager. Any disappointment or inconvenience is so unfair regardless of who else is affected by it. And then he punishes you and his children because all is not perfect in his little world.

He needs a cart load of therapy, which will cost £’000s and even then might not work.

You’re not being too sensitive but you are being too accommodating. One person’s petulance shouldn’t put a cloud over everyone else in their home.

My Dad was like this but took it further with anger outbursts, throwing and breaking things. As a child I was terrified when he did this and we all ended up walking on egg shells. Worse still he scapegoated me as being the one that set him off. I'm in my early 70's now but his behaviour then still affects me now, and it affected my whole personality.

Don't let this happen to your DD. Your DH needs to get help or get out. He's doing unknown damage to you and your children.

Among the most underrated long term traits of a partner are stability, even-handedness and level headedness. Once you’ve found someone with those characteristics you wonder how you put up with childish temper tantrums, off handed behaviour and immaturity. Don’t let it become the norm.

This is the thin end of the wedge

When he gets in a mood don't ask him is he OK just ignore him and go on with your own life. Put the TV on and watch your favourite programme. Don't give him a shred of attention as he is acting like a baby. Waste absolutely no energy on him.
Be very careful he is not using your ds as a punchbag to take his anger out on. When your son is gone out of the room..say l don't want you speaking to Tom like that ..its totally unfair so back off and leave him alone. Stare him straight in the face. Get mad on your ds's behalf.
What was his own Dad like?
If he has a very stressful job could he have a half hour alone somewhere to unwind before he joins the family. I am fully aware you don't get that but you are a proper grown up!

I think this is a more common trait than people would have us believe. I have seen it in my Dad and two partners. Very different backgrounds, jobs etc. my current partner is actually quite young and so that rules out the older generation reasoning. I don’t know what it is but it almost feels like they just want us to be unhappy if they are. And almost everything makes them unhappy. I grey rock my partner when he is like this but I did notice over the weekend that he tried to treat our daughter in a similar way. I immediately called it out and told her in front of him that for some reason he wanted to have a disagreement with her and that she had done nothing wrong. Of course they aren’t always like this so it gets easier for a time and they didn’t act like this in the beginning or we wouldn’t have got in so deep. I can give you an example of how mine is (he sounds similar) he got out an outdoor cooking instrument at the weekend. He huffed and puffed about it the whole time even though I didn’t even want the food and it was entirely his idea. I did all the cleaning up and prep and he did very little actually. I offered to put it away when we had finished and he said no, he has just realised that he didn’t put it away and it needed cleaning again. He is in a mood, talking so quietly I can barely hear him etc. I have done nothing wrong end don’t deserve to bare the brunt of his own incompetence. Once upon time I would have argued with him about it, told him it’s his own fault he forgot and reminded him that I offered, it was pointless because it didn’t alter anything and I was the only one upset after arguing. So now I usually pretend to care and ignore him. I don’t agree with people saying that you should nip it in the bud because I can tell you’ve told him countless times. If he’s like mine he will deny, deny deny that he was even rude / silent until you threaten a break up or say you’ve had enough. Then they will change for a limited time and then go back to normal. Those people that think you can tell someone and they change have never dealt with someone like this. They don’t change. Also, breaking up with someone isn’t as easy as just leaving. There are finances involved and times are hard for many of us.

Solidarity OP, it is an awful existence actually.