Should I leave

[Suddenlyunsure]

Hello,
Not posted on here before or discussed the following with anyone else before, but here goes. Also sorry if this post comes across as ranty, i just haven't got anyone I feel I can openly speak to about my issues with my relationship at the moment.
So I am currently living with my future husband, we have been living together for 5 years, have a house together and due to marry in September. For the second time in the past few months, I find myself sitting downstairs again contemplating our relationship as he is upstairs asleep.
Tonight's incident was tirggered over me trying to get him to feel a funny lump I have recently noticed downstairs. At this he instantly recoiled which upset me and I said that I would do the same for him at any time. But he told me that I can be such a twat sometimes and I always bring this stuff up when he has to sleep. He shut me off after this saying to me that this could all be sorted in the morning, stop being a dick and goodnight.
So now I am sat downstairs upset and writing this post. This isn't the first thing that has happened recently that has upset me like this. He isn't doing anything bad but he has been making me feel isolated and unsupported recently.
Other things I have picked up on recently is how he snubs me off when I talk to him about my day or work etc, he makes it very clear he is neither interested or listening. He will just say OK if I tell him about my work day and ask nothing else, it just makes me feel silly.
Also I had a lot of car issues recently and had to pay almost my month's paycheck to get everything fixed which he was very critical towards me about saying I shuld have fixed it sooner. Even though I had my cat booked in at the earliest possible time to get the issues addressed. I do use my car for work as a community nurse and I was able to get a pool car for this time which he would drop me off and pick me up from a few times but he made it clear that this was very inconvenient for him. Then to top it off, last week he just bought himself a sports car for his birthday this year, yet he accepted money off my mum towards our wedding.
I just have been getting a frosty vibe from him in that past year or so that I can't excuse anymore. It's always me that initiates any affection, then he tells me I always say no to him!? All my family and friends love him and say how great he is .

I feel that writing all this down has made things clearer for me. I think we have a myriad of issues that I just can't seem to talk to him about.
I am quite isolated from friends and family where we are and we share a mortgage so I am not sure what to do. Thank you if you have read this far and I am sorry if this post was a ramble.

Well he comes over as very self absorbed and unpleasant.

He doesn't seem to like you very much and if he is this critical of you before you are married it will only get worse.

I know this is a personal dislike I have but I would regard someone who bought himself a sports car for his birthday as a person who is very entitled and full of himself.

I honestly think you should rethink your marriage plans because if he makes you feel this bad now there doesn't seem much hope for a happy life together.

Don’t even think about going through with a wedding to this tosspot. Sell your house/one of you buy the other out, and go your separate ways. He’s an unsupportive, uninterested pig and you deserve better. I could wake my husband up in the middle of the night and tell him something was really troubling me and I know he’d walk over hot coals to try to fix it or reassure me that it would be okay. If you don’t have that kind of love, you’re in the wrong relationship. But I think you know that really. Get out now - don’t settle.

Don't worry about the ramble, but do think about whether you want to throw your hand in, marry and be in it for the long term. I once read a thread about how you should be your partner's cheerleader, and although I was like WTF, that is never going to happen, I was thinking at least we are partners and we will weather things together, and he will have to put up with my foibles, and weaknesses, just like I will have to put up with his. I don't think things get better with time, especially if you have children, if he is not right for you, cut loose now, before it becomes difficult to reverse. See how you feel in the morning, but do think about it. Sorry, it is hard to do, but you do owe it to yourself, xxx

If you are this unhappy now a wedding won’t make it better. He sounds very selfish

Tonight's incident was tirggered over me trying to get him to feel a funny lump I have recently noticed downstairs?
That's fine. Some people cannot cope with lumps and bumps. On the other hand some people like it a little too much (sporners corner 😬).

Other things I have picked up on recently is how he snubs me off when I talk to him about my day or work etc, he makes it very clear he is neither interested or listening.
Not fine if you are doing a general chat about your day but if you are going into detail and relaying exact conversations then his reaction is understandable. My stbx could talk for hours about sparkplugs on 2stroke motorbikes. And I really do mean hours. Which style is yours?

Your finances
Why are you broke but he is able to buy a sports car? Do you both pay a proportion of your wages towards bills and the wedding? Because this is coming across as "run away screaming" not fine.

I had alarm bells before I got married. Some things similar to you like shutting me down when talking. In my experience these problems don't get better, they just build up, cause resentment and grind you down. Once you've got married and had kids it's so hard to seperate.

There’s no easy answer here. You’re in a bad zone and I bet if we got you on a good day, you’d say something quite different. However, the way I would look at it is like this. If you stare down the barrel of your future, and he is there with you in 20 years time, does that fill you with joy? Or do you feel that right now you’re on a plane you can’t get off and you’ll be consumed by embarrassment / shame etc having to tell other people that the relationship hasn’t worked?

I suggest you immediately get going with some psychotherapy for yourself, and perhaps even kickoff couples counselling

Ps. I had a bad gut feeling and I didn’t listen to it enough. I ended up marrying someone and it was a total disaster and it took me bloody ages to get divorced from him because he wanted to fight me all the way to punish me.

This sounds problematic OP. I don’t think it bodes well for a lifetime of mutual love and support at all. The opposite in fact: financial disparity in his favour, put downs, lack of support, criticism.

Did he really tell you you were a twat when you asked him to feel a lump you were concerned about?!

End it.

'I just have been getting a frosty vibe from him in that past year or so that I can't excuse anymore. '

It's better to break off the engagement now and sort out the house, than marry him and have to divorce.

@Suddenlyunsure

Some of what you say are probably cold feet people get. Some are valid concerns.

To me:

• the sudden need to examine a lump at the night - is OTT, unless he is a doctor and can actually offer a medical opinion. You mention, you are a community nurse - with probably more medical knowledge than him.
• your chatting about your day - hard to say much about. It'll depend on how he generally is, how stressful his job is; and if you always expect to talk about your day when he is tired himself. Personally - when I used to work, my day was really full on - and I had no desire to hear my partner's day - unless something of importance/or particularly interesting went on.
• the car thing is hard to comment on, not knowing how you normally are with service. Personally, I am crappy at it occasionally - and end up paying the price when things break. Maybe it's not nice when a partner says it, but it may be not wrong.

The bits that do sound more serious is the car purchase, and issues with intimacy.

In addition - you do sound unhappy where you are - have you moved recently? Having cold feet is, of course, common. I think - you need to talk to him about some of the issues you mentioned.

How he behaves when you want to talk to him sounds unpleasant and it won't improve after you marry - if anything it will get worse. Can you imagine trying to talk to him about your children and he ignores you, or ignores them when they try to talk to him?

Buying a sportscar but accepting handouts from your mum.... oh wow, no. This does not scream "family man".

His reaction to your feeling scared about health concerns... again, extrapolate this out to when you have kids and are concerned about them... be prepared to be dismissed and insulted.

He's not a catch and is likely to suck the joy out of your life. You are lucky he's shown you this and that you have noticed these signs of selfishness in him before it is too late.

Ask him to return the money to your mother and run for the hills!

Just to agree with these posts. Listen to those alarm bells. I didn’t. Getting divorced is not the reversal of marriage. Getting married is easy and so quick, but divorce is a long and thorny nightmare. It is a further, worse journey you have to do with the person, not an undoing. This isn’t mentioned enough.

You have one life. It sounds like you have enough examples of feeling unloved and unlistened to. I ignored my internal red flags when I married my H and those voices kept coming back. I eventually left him but wished I’d not hung around waiting for him to what I needed. Don’t settle

Too many red flags. Two options either have a forthright discussion with him and ask to explain what you have informed us about him or leave.

I think his whole attitude to you is belittling and judgmental. If you behaved like he is towards you - calling you names and being self righteous about how much in the wrong you are - even just for one day I am pretty sure he would not accept / like it.
Lots of good advice here.
Many an engagement has been broken off when things were uncovered, between proposal and aisle. There is zero shame in standing your ground and saying that you don’t see a future in your relationship, given how he speaks to and treats you.
If he already behaves like this before you are married, it will not get better afterwards. He doesn’t see how lucky he is to have you. Was he like this at all before you moved in together? Or do you think you just overlooked / didn’t notice it?

A year of Frosty Vibes pre wedding? Don't do it.

End it as soon as possible, don't leave it because summer will be gone in a flash and the closer September gets the less likely you'll be to do it.

Get out, this is not what you're supposed to feel like. Life is short.