Is this a bit shit?

[PinataHeeHaw]

My mum and I usually get on ok. She's been very controlling in the past, but since I stood up to her, she's mellowed.

Her husband and I tolerate each other. He is from overseas and goes back to his home country three or four times a year. When he's home, my mum rarely wants to do anything with me, yet as soon as he sets a date to go away, she's talking about all the days out we can do. This really pisses me off. Am I unreasonable to feel this way?

When he's home, my mum rarely wants to do anything with me,

why do you want much to do with her?!

Because she's my mum. She doesn't get out much otherwise. He certainly doesn't take her out. She goes shopping and to work and appointments and that's it.

Sounds like he us controlling.

You’re asking if it’s normal that your mum only wants to see you when her husband isn’t around?

Honestly, you’re two grown women. Both of you are free to choose what you do with your time and how you divide it between people. There’s no right or wrong. I would just draw corresponding conclusions if I came second to my stepdad in my mum’s eyes. Not necessarily unfavourable conclusions. Just knowing where I stand.

The fact she’s your mum doesn’t mean she’s a nice person

you could say she’d want to see you because she’s my daughter” but instead prioritising her partner over you

Maybe she’s not allowed to go when he’s home?

It's true. It's always been the same since he arrived on the scene.

I've asked her before if he controls her going out and seeing people and she is absolutely insistent that he isn't and as she rarely does come out when he's here, I don't think he does control her.

I think, given the likelihood she is in a controlling relationship, calling it prioritizing her partner smacks of victim blaming.

Which is not to say that she’s a nice person. They are separate.

Sorry X-posted with OP.

If she doesn't see anyone when he's here I'd say she may be in a controlling relationship and isn't allowed

I wouldn't be happy to fall in with your mum's expectations that you suddenly engage enthusiastically when her husband is away. She has assured you she is not in a controlling relationship, so why don't you tell her that it's very hurtful that she makes no effort at all to be in touch with you when her husband is at home, and not to expect you to come running when he's away. Then she knows your feelings and you've given her the opportunity to make some changes.

Op this isn’t healthy
You have started quite a few threads about wanting more time with your mum (in fact you started one this afternoon about her not visiting you) or your very strong dislike of your step father

How long has he been”been on the scene”?

As in your other thread, your poor mum sounds totally stuck in the middle

Despite even the Op saying that it doesn’t strike her as a controlling relationship, you conclude it like is?

My 'poor' mum isn't totally stuck in the middle. She chooses him each and every time.

About 18 years and it's always been the same.

So she’s made her choice

the fact that sadly you live alone and are largely housebound and she doesn’t visit as regularly as you like…. Is something you simply have to accept after almost two decades