Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling let down, any advice?

4 replies

alexis97 · 06/04/2025 11:26

Hi everyone,

for a bit of context. Ive been with DH for 5 years, almost married for 4. Husband hasn’t been the most supportive. I feel like it’s one rule for one one for me. If I’m poorly I have to crack on, he gets to go to bed and do what he wants, im with the kids. I went on antidepressants after my pregnancy and was so poorly and had to just crack on, I had to return to work 12 weeks postpartum as husband had left the army and we ended up in debt resulting in my early return to nursery work still recovering to dig him out of debt, this resulted in me having to take out credit to keep our heads afloat. Husband is currently having a flare up with his cyclothmia (mild bipolar) and is back on his medication and he is struggling with the effects, he is coming in from work and just going to bed because he is tired, thanking me for being so kind and patient. I had a period of ill health a little while ago and had to take some time off work. He then told me he’s struggling, feels sad and isn’t happy with life. I’m irresponsible with money and my work ethic is poor, bear in mind I returned when I wasn’t even recovered to dig him out of a hole and hadn’t even bonded properly with my baby and I was struggling with money because I had so many minimum payments coming out just for us to survive him leaving the army. I guess what im trying to say is im hurting. Ive had my struggles totally thrown in my face, and as for his comments on my work ethic he’s now facing disciplinary at work, he could lose his job. It feels like a smack in my face. Ive had my genuine struggles and all he’s done is disrespect me. We’re working on things but I just feel so upset that ive had to go through what I have for him to judge me and now for him to be experiencing the same with no judgement. I explained to him we are a team and we always get through. But it’s never felt like that towards me.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 06/04/2025 11:43

There are charities who may be able to help financially or give advice regarding your debts. You can also contact The National Debtline, who can give free advice.

SSAFA provide emotional support that he may benefit from.

Your husband has a serious mental health condition so feeling fatigued while getting used to medication is fairly normal.

As for him not pulling his weight, he needs to step up. You say he thanks you for being kind and patient yet berates you for his debt and having a bad work ethic. Was he ill when he said those things?

Discover My Benefits - Army - Families - Charities - Army

There are a significant number of charities that provide a variety of services to Army Personnel

https://discovermybenefits.mod.gov.uk/army/families/charities/

alexis97 · 06/04/2025 11:54

He was ill when he said those things, his own issues and work stress caused a flare up that totally clouded his reality. He was convinced he wasn’t happy with me anymore but he had stopped taking his medication months prior because he felt he didn’t need it. He is now back on and has been for a week. It’s just been so hard. Since getting support and advice he’s been so loving towards me, but it’s totally knocked my confidence. He was so convinced he wasn’t happy I caught him arranging to meet a female colleague and that’s when it all came to light. GP has said it all seems like a flare up of not taking his medication and an episode occurring. It’s just took its toll on me.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 06/04/2025 13:27

You sound completely exhausted OP. Living with someone with a mental health problem can be very taxing. The stress of debt and small children can be overwhelming.

I gave you some charities that help service personnel and veterans, perhaps there's an organisation that provides support for spouses. Otherwise I would look at BACP for a therapist and ask family for support, if feasible. A GP check might also be a good idea.

PriscillaQueen · 06/04/2025 14:13

You don’t need a therapist you need a divorce. Do you really want to sacrifice yourself to the mercy of his mental health, which it appears he doesn’t manage well and doesn’t take his meds? He doesn’t care about the consequences that’s had on you he just cares about himself. How would he have reacted if he’d found out that you were making arrangements to meet another man behind his back? Mental illness is no excuse for that. Life is short. Is this the life you want for yourself? The constant changing moods and zero emotional security for you and the children? Is this the example you want to set for the children of what marriage should look like? I would leave and let him get his mental health under control and establish a good co-parenting relationship.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page