Need a hand hold

[MercuryRisingBeware]

NC for this.

Last night DH was itching for sex. I was not. He started groping me in bed. I told him to stop, that I didn't want to atleast 3 times.

As I was telling him to stop, explaining I needed to sleep as I had an early morning ahead of me, he was trying to yank my pyjama bottoms down. It was only after I raised my voice & firmly said No did he stop trying to grope me.

Usually, I can "redirect" him easily when I don't want sex but last night, I heard my voice change, I heard a change in my octave. I was almost scared that I had to tell him, firmly, 3 times, before he stopped.

In 20 years of marriage he's done this maybe 3 times. But last night was different. I suddenly realised he doesn't care about my needs or wants. He's more than happy to pressure me, to ignore my wants/needs.

It's just hit me what this means & I feel sick.

I would leave. The first no is the no. He should not have touched you after that.

I would feel like I had been sexually assaulted.

@TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa that's what I can't wrap my head around. That's exactly how I feel. And I am in shock

Im sorry this happened to you. I would be worried that the next time he may not stop. Are you able to leave?

I don't know if you need to leave, because I don't know what your relationship is otherwise and it's been 20 years.

You at least need to have a conversation where you firmly tell him, no means no, and don't push it ever again.

No, not at this stage
We live abroad for his work so I'm a SAHM.

I’m so sorry. It feels like you’ve been sexually assaulted because you have been. He groped you when you made it clear that you didn’t want him to and you had a very real fear that he wouldn’t stop at all. How can you ever feel safe with him in your bed?

Tell him he’s sleeping elsewhere for now and put a lock on your door. He needs to understand what he’s done here, and the severity of it. If he refuses to move out of your room, tell him that if you report his sexual assault to the police he’ll be forced to sleep elsewhere, possibly a cell, so he may as well take the option now.

Then take your time to come to terms with it. I can’t see how you come back from this, but I understand that it feels like a huge leap to split immediately.

You deserve to feel safe in your own home and bed.

Nightmare. I would be planning to move back to my home country. Are you both from the same country?

He's pushed me before & I've had sex out of "duty". TBH, once we're "into it" I've always enjoyed it but it doesn't happen that way very often. Last night felt different. I was slightly scared because he just wasn't getting my rebuttals

Yes, we are both from the same mother land

Thankyou. Initially, it just feels like a 'nuisance'. But as I was literally saying "no" he was yanking down my pants, trying it anyway. That's what I don't like. It scared me I had to raise my voice to make it clear I wasn't interested.

This doesn't make it better, but he was intoxicated through out this

Then he also needs to stop drinking. If alcohol is the reason he gives for turning into a wannabe rapist then of course he can never drink again.

He is totally unreasonable. You don't have a "duty" to have sex with him. You should be able to refuse, and he should accept that.

You can leave, call the police or tell him he must never do that again and to be sure he never does, your line in the sand is he doesn't drink unless he is staying in a different building to you.

I can't imagine staying with a man that did that to me, regardless of how much drink he's had.

Do you want to stay with him?

I don't (want to stay).

I'm realising he's been an awful husband & I've been excusing/putting up with his awful behaviour for so long it feels normal.

This was like a bolt of lightning where I realised just how shitty he behaves

Made me feel sick, if my hubby ever disrespected me like this we wouldn't stay married.

Do you have children?

If not, what is stopping you from leaving?

Would it be possible for you to go home? What steps would you need to take to leave?

@MercuryRisingBeware

On it's own - if you said you were married for 20 years - and he was a good husband throughout, and after having too much wine he got carried away and had to be told NO 3 times - I'd say - not great, he was not thinking clearly, etc.
But 20 years of being a good H does not get erased by one drunken night when he tried to push it.

BUT - it seems to be more. You mentioned he has not been a great H and there was other bad behaviour throughout the years?

He was getting them but choosing to ignore them. That's when the deep seated fear comes in because, in general, all women have is words in a situation like this.

Can we help you leave. Give advice as you go along etc. ?

Could you go home with the DC for 'a holiday' and not return?

I'm so sorry. I really hope you can take steps to leave. For now, I would sleep separately and with a look on my door. He is not a safe person for you.

The crux of the matter is that ... last night's sexual assault aside ... you do not want to be with him and you need to be taking steps to work out how you can leave.
In the meantime, in the cold light of day, you need to spell out to him that no means no, that you are very angry about what happened and wish him to sleep elsewhere.
I am sorry you are in this awful situation.

If they have been in that country for the majority of the children’s childhood, that would be kidnapping under The Hague Convention.

I know this but, as you say, it depends on the status of the kids.

Sometimes you have to do things and hope for the best and we don't know what country OP is living in either and what law does or does not apply.