How did divorce change you?

[LoyalBird]

Posting for a friend.
How did divorce change you and you're future relationships going forward? Did you struggle to let anyone in again? Could you not imagine living with someone again? Any advice or experience would be appreciated thank you 😄

I've been divorced 3 times. I guess this last time changed me only because I'm much older. I'm not interested in relationships anymore. I've got my house, my DC. I'm ok.
I think divorce is very much like any relationship break-up. It depends how it happened, that's usually the defining factor.

It gave me my life back. I feel more me now than I ever did in the 25+ years of being with ex. It is marvellous. I have zero interest in ever having a relationship with a man again. I'm far too happy to let someone piss on my chips.

My advice would be to do it sooner rather than later if you know things can't be fixed. Don't be afraid to seek help after. I had life coaching in the immediate aftermath of separation which really helped focus me and then a while later (thanks Covid), group sessions at my local Women's Aid which healed me.

Nope! It has made me more wary and cautious but realised that just because my ex was an abusive narcissistic bitch doesn’t mean everyone else is. I realised what love actually is!

I'm happier than before the divorce, but I think it's made me more wary of getting into a relationship again, because I don't want to get hurt again. He wanted to separate, not me, so I found it very hard and I guess my reaction was a bit like grief. I also lost my confidence and thought nobody would want me anyway for quite a while
So I haven't had a proper relationship in the 14 years we've been apart. I've had dates and some of those have led to brief flings. but I've never met anyone I've wanted to get into a close relationshio with.To be honest, it's not just out of fear of being hurt, Once the anger and grief went i found I also love being single.
I realised how many annoying things about him I had put up with, how much time I spent compromising to keep the peace. I love being able to do what I want, when I want without having to compromise or check it's ok with anyone. I feel free, and happy, and every time I read about someone's husband woes on here, or hear about them from a friend, I always think
"Thank god I don't have to put up with that shit anymore!"

I honestly don't want another partner at this stage of my life (mid-50s) as I can't be bothered with all the potential drama and baggage a man my age might bring. I've seen the problems my brother's second wife has had trying to be accepted by my brother's children, even though they're grown up now, and I don't want to be in that position myself.

I needed to get past the anger I felt in the first year afterward my divorce (had been through an abusive marriage), I didn't go into another relationship for 2.5 yrs, and then was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful guy. I was only 40 so was still hoping to share a life with someone. It did give me emotional baggage though and that took a few years to work through, but all is good now.

3 TIMES??? your so brave. I honestly have been married 23yrs and it is a struggle. I can't imagine ever doing this again.

I'm very glad to be single.

My divorce is liberating - I love being able to do what I want, when I want. I love not having to consider a man in my lifelong plans.

No heartbreak here because I'd wanted to divorce a long time ago.

Obviously I'd like some adoration from a man once in a while but I accept it's not going to happen.

Divorce was the best thing I ever did!
I was terrified of being a single mum, but now I know that life is so much better. I don’t have the stress of parenting a man child who did very little and was never around.
10 years on and he’s learned how to pay a bill, cook and clean and look after the kids and his house. What helped was him marrying an absolute nightmare after me and they’re now divorced, so we get on well and co parent now he’s eventually able to behave like an adult.
I’ve had a few relationships, some didn’t work out (they never met my kids) but I felt able to leave if I wasn’t happy because I was fine on my own.
I did let the last one in though and as I’d known him for years and he met my kids. Still didn’t work out but that’s fine. Living on your own gives you the option to leave and not settle for someone who doesn’t respect you or treat you well.
The only thing I actually miss is the intimacy but you don’t have that if you’re with the wrong person anyway.

I’m only a short amount of time out of mine and it’s yet to be finalised. I’ve gone through so much pain, hurt, denial, depression, anger, bargaining, then acceptance. I’m very textbook 😄However now that I’m coming out the other side I feel so much peace. I felt uncomfortable with it at first but now I feel empowered and proud that I got out.
I can’t imagine dating anyone else as I’m just starting to enjoy being alone and free. I’ve been asked out so many times though it’s like I’m giving off single vibes somehow! But I’m happy just loving myself and taking care of myself. I’ve learned a big lesson and matured hugely after this.

My marriage made me wary and was bad for my mental wellbeing.

My divorce made me happy and encouraged my self confidence and growth. 😁

Divorce liberated me from a loveless marriage where I was little more than a housekeeper. I was totally miserable & it was having a big negative impact on my MH & self-esteem.

I moved from a small town with 30 minute commute to work into a flat with a small garden in the city centre 10 minute's walk from work. I got myself a little dog & didn't look back. We'd go for walks in the park very close to my flat or drive the short drive to nearby beaches. I was able to easily meet friends for drinks in (dog friendly) pubs after work & weekends, started swimming 3 times a week before work, grew my own fruit & veg in my little garden, had friends just dropping in for a coffee & a chat, great neighbours etc. I lived the best life.

After about 6 years of being single I met my (now) DH. We took it very slowly & 4 years ago I sold my flat & bought the bungalow opposite his. We got married 3 years ago & still (officially) live separately, though in reality we divide our time between the 2 houses, spending more time at mine because my garden is dog-proof whereas his isn't. We've recently decided to take the next step & are looking at somewhere to buy together - 2nd viewing on a place on Tuesday.

I am lucky that my DH has lovely children & GC who we see regularly and have totally accepted me (and my dog! - GC love to walk dog who is now 12 & very gentle & friendly). DH was widowed about 10 years ago & cared for his late-wife (she had dementia) & is a very caring person. He does most of the cooking, laundry, ironing & will literally wrestle the vacuum cleaner away from me if I start cleaning LOL! DH also makes me feel loved & valued, telling me several times a day how much he loves me, how lucky he feels that he has me in his life & how gorgeous I am (I'm not! I've put on 3 stone since I started eating his delicious food & am now over-weight!) . Most of all, he encourages me to meet up with my friends & will often say something along the lines of: 'you haven't been out for a while - why don't you call XX & arrange to meet up?' 😍

In contrast XH is still single, until very recently was living with his mother &, from what I hear from DS, is rather miserable & lonely.

I was always very independent, even when I was married, but I am fiercely independent now. Separated in 2017, met DP in 2020, finally divorced in 2022. ExH dragged his feet as much as he possibly could and wouldn't even appoint a solicitor so I paid for everything and bought him out of the house (that was mine before we married).

DP of 5 years is fab, love of my life but I will never live with another man. DD 15 is SEN and it's best when it's just me and her. DP understands and maintains his home not far from me with his adult DC.

I'm much more assured in my wants and needs, and sticking to my boundaries. If I don't like something, I say so, not in a confrontational way, just a "that doesn't work for me" way. I love him to bits but I know I can live independently of we ever split, and that gives me a great sense of peace and calmness. I don't rely on anyone else (a man) for money or, the roof over my head.

See DP a few times a week, we date, have sleep overs, watch Netflix, the usual couple stuff without the arguing over domestic drudgery/kids. Been there, done that, never again.

My house is exaclty how I want it. Fairy lights in the kitchen, pink velvet cushions and a toilet seat that is always down!

PS the sex is the best I've ever had TMI perhaps? 🙄

Oh - that's another thing about my DH, he always puts the toilet seat down!

He's not perfect, no, he loves his rugby & I have to spend winter weekend afternoons watching fit young men with gorgeous bodies chasing an egg-shaped ball.

Now I've written that, I'm wondering what the problem is? LOL!