Am I being paranoid?

[SL281990]

Hello hoping to get some advice please. Me and partner have been together since we were 15 we are now 34 and have 2 wonderful children together.
He has always been into the gym and goes regular but more recently he’s going daily for 2-3 hours.
now here is the issue he has got fitness models on socials and also some woman who go to his gym on Facebook and insta he also has some of their phone numbers. I personally don’t like this and it’s getting to the point where we go out like shops etc and he’s constantly saying hello to these diff women. I don’t know if he speaks to them at the gym or over socials or the phone. His phone is with him all the time. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or am I right in feeling insecure? And I know if I mention it to him he will just say I’m being stupid. Any advice hugely appreciated thank you.

Watch. And learn. Dont show your hand.
if your gut is telling you something doesn’t smell right then lean into it. See where it takes you.

unless you are normally a suspicious person.

but keep it to yourself and a safe friend for now .

good luck. I hope it turns out to be nothing

Does he work as well OP.?
Because if he is working and going to the gym for 2 or 3 hours a day what does he do in the home? And what does he do as regards parenting his children?
Sounds to me he thinks he is a single man again.
Even if he's not cheating on you yet he is enjoying female attention and obviously looking for connections with other women.
I think you should be having a serious discussion about your relationship. And don't let him fob you off by telling you that your are stupid. You most definitely aren't

In my experience from multiple friends ' you're being stupid ' loosely translates to you're catching me out and I don't like it.

A decent partner would say "I understand your concern. If the roles were reversed I might be uncomfortable too. What can I do to make you feel more secure?".

Someone saying your perfectly valid concerns are stupid, is either a liar, someone who has contempt for you, or both.

Why does he think it's acceptable to talk to you like this?

As a partner his job is to care about your feelings. Not belittle them.

And no man in a relationship should be taking random numbers off gym women. That's inappropriate and disrespectful.

If call it a day, Frankly. He's a gaslighting douche. Also, a cheating gaslighting douche in all probability. But really, that's just a cherry on a giant douche cake.

Do you think he's not going to the gym?

Would you be able to go to the gym together occasionally?

Is he training for an event?

For the moment, I would wait and watch a little more intently. Can you check he is actually at the gym?

I know someone who spends a couple of hours in the gym each day and there are definitely others that do the same so I don't think that is our of the ordinary personally.

The only 'flag' to me currently would be why does he have their phone numbers stored? Have you seen his phone to know this?

He works out for around 20 hours a week, that's a lot. I assume he works full time. Does he only see the children at weekends? Do you get 20 hours a week for leisure?

There's not really any evidence that he's cheating; he seems obsessed with fitness and follows other people into fitness on social media.

I'd be livid at the amount of time he spends out of the house while I take care of his children like a mug.

Thank you everyone. Just to answer a few questions yes he works full time out the house at around 4am and home by 2 roughly and then it’s gym by around 4 or 5 for a couple hours.

tbh he doesn’t do much around the house very very little if I’m being real with myself. When he’s home from the gym most evenings he goes into our summer house in the garden and does running on the treadmill aswell.

I do think he is going gym, it’s just the numbers and stuff. I know if I mention it he will also say that the women are his mates partners I know that for sure.

I think I will keep quiet for now and see what else I notice very hard to do that though.

Tbh, the uselessness of him as a partner and dad would bother me more than the social media stuff.

I do think it's sad that you are focusing on these women and not on the fact he comes over as totally disengaged from family life and is focusing just on himself.

From what you say even when he is home he is selfishly doing his own thing.

When does he spend time with his children?
When does he spend time with you?

It seems just so one sided, not a partnership at all..

Ha! You must be joking. I barely get time to go for a bath in peace. Once home from gym he then will do treadmill at home

He's completely checked out OP.

So instead of reassuring you that there's nothing to worry about, he calls you stupid? That's really not nice.

Is he a gym blogger or something? Or is it career related? Why would he not treadmill in the gym?

I'd sit him down (or even, write him a letter) and say:

• I need some time off too. You take 20 hours a week at the gym and I barely get time to have a coffee. We are going to need to adjust that.
• It feels like you've checked out from this family. I need you to step up more both in the home, with the kids, and with us.
• When I raised a valid concern with you before you told me I was being stupid rather than looking at things from my perspective and working with me to fix things in a way that I feel reassured and that we are both happy with. That is not ok. And I will never tolerate that nonsense again.
• Let me be very clear, you need to step up and get with the program. Because I don't want to hear 'the end of the relationship came from nowhere' if you don't.
• I'm asking you now to quit the gym (for now) and be home after work in future, no...excursions until our relationship is back in track. This is a non negotiable. It's separating you from your family. You can always exercise on the treadmill here. It's us, or the gym.

Absolutely give him the ultimatum.
The only way a man is choosing not to quit the gym for a few months for his family, is if it's not about the gym but about the women he meets when he says he's just at the gym. It's a fair ask op, don't think it isn't.

If you can't give him the ultimatum, then you need to start taking time for you just like he does. And all the other stuff about him being present for his family needs to be addressed.

He'll accuse you of thinking he is cheating. In which case all you need to say is 'well your actions have gone nothing to reassure me to the contrary. But if you are or, you're not - why would spending more time with your family for a few months be a problem?'.

'Let me make this clear, you've failed me and you've failed the kids. I'm giving you a chance to fix it because I love you. But if you don't want to, then you can live at the gym if you like, because we are done'.

And before someone says if the roles were reversed it would be controlling to give an ultimatum, no, controlling would be if they'd given you no reason to mistrust them or, did everything the could to be transparent and you still weren't happy and thought you could tell them what to do. This person has taken the piss and trampled your boundaries. No one is owed 20 hours at the gym whilst their partner is shafted with no free time. And certainly not if they appear to be acting nefariously and then, calling you stupid for noticing. You have every right to give them an ultimatum because it's about the treatment you will accept. Especially because they are also fucking up their relationship with their kids too. They can take this last chance you are giving, or, leave.

Get your ducks in a row.
Make sure all your money is in an account with only your name on it before confronting him. If you have joint accounts, take your share out so he can't clear it.

It is very one sided and tbh has been for a long time. I guess I have got so used to it that I don’t notice it much any more

Nope not training for anything just losing weight and getting fit but seems abit obsessive now tbh.

I think he is going gym I can’t really do aswell as he trains with a mate but also I’m the one with the kids as usual.

I sold a bracelet via Facebook to someone from the gym and she was like yes of course I know him! Which seemed strange to me but then he was saying he will get her number from his mate and I said there’s no need I’m talking to her.

the next day she messages me to thank me for the bracelet and said he had phoned her. So to me he went out of his way to get her number.

Is he generally an outgoing friendly person?

It does strike me as odd that he is getting numbers (especially as you'd indicated otherwise).

If he's on a mission to lose weight, he may have to up his regime if the weight loss has hit a plateau?

Could he think that you want to establish some female friendships? Could it just be he's trying to extend your social life?

Could he be lonely or lacking friendships?

I honestly wouldn't raise this as an issue just yet. But be aware of what is happening.

Thank you I don’t think I’m going to mention anything yet as I feel abit silly tbh but something isn’t sitting right with me.
it’s not to try and get me some friends or anything as I don’t ever meet these people anyway and I don’t go to the same gym.

the woman who’s number he has works very early in the mornings and he always go evenings so I’m not sure why he would need her number and also how they know each other well as he doesn’t go in mornings.

he was going through a phase of going before work at like 4am for cardio and then again evening but for weights.
thank you for commenting I really appreciate it

Nope nothing to do with career or anything like that.
I honestly have never had a problem with the gym or anything until recently when it just feels something is off.

I know he would not like it if it was the other way around but if I said that to him he would say he wouldn’t care as he trusts me and that would make me feel guilty and abit stupid tbh.

Well I couldn’t keep quiet any longer due to some sarky comments from DP so told him everything I thought and was told I’m being stupid and he would never do anything to hurt me. And now has not spoken to me in 2 days and slept on sofa

Frankly it's where he belongs until he stops acting like such a tool. I'd be telling him he could stay there until he considered deeply on the fact that he HAS hurt me, repeatedly and so - is not a man of his word. That he has damaged this relationship immesurably and seems incapable of having an adult conversation, basic decency and reassuring his partner, instead, preferring to sneer at her. That it's not acceptable and can either buck up his ideas or jog on.