Recovering after DV

[Doubtfuldaphne]

Mumsnet helped me see what an abusive marriage I was in and together with lots of support from agencies and friends I left with my dd. At first I felt ecstatic, free, positive.. but then the loneliness creeps in and wow, what a lot of anger. There was denial too, even a social worker telling me that it was worrying what me and dd were going through back then, I still thought there’s no way it was abuse, they’d got it wrong. Just recently though I realise it was, despite being brainwashed by him into being told it wasn’t and that I was crazy and ruining everyone’s lives by leaving
The anger comes in waves, all the things over the years he did to manipulate me pop into my head and then the urge to contact him because I miss him, followed by more anger. Then the sense of dread thinking of him meeting someone else and how that’s going to feel. It’s such a massive thing to leave a marriage. I always wanted a stable marriage for life and I put so much into putting him first I forgot who I am. My dd has never been happier and I really did it for her.
I feel so sad for the good times we had for so many years (nearly 20 years) and I just go between enjoying the peace to feeling completely lost. Our routine, always hanging out together, going places, holidays. It’s all gone. But he does not love me. He is angry with me for leaving and his family have ghosted me. I feel like I’m being punished.
There is no free counselling for people who have left abusive relationships and I’ve had to work it all out alone
I would love to hear from other survivors to hear how they navigated their new life and positive stories please

I wanted to reply but also to be transparent I haven’t been through what you have.
I have read your previous threads and you have had a terrible, terrible time. This man removed you from a business you helped to build, and had mistreated both of your children. The thread you posted about the way he treated your DD last year - no wonder she is happier now!
You won’t get over a marriage that long, and the accompanying abuse you went through, in a few short months. I know you didn’t see it a lot as abuse at the time, but it was. And of course he’s tried to gaslight you that it’s your fault, you’ve broken up the family.
The person you love and miss left your marriage many, many years ago. I know there will have been good times and happy memories - it is normal to miss those times.
Please don’t think you just left for your daughter’s sake. You needed to leave for you.
He was treating you in a way which shows no love at all. He was also unloving to his own daughter and manipulating her - there is no future for you with a man like that. You would not be living a lovely life with him had you not left. It would have spiralled into more mistreatment.
You have been so very, very brave. I have never been through leaving an abusive marriage but I did leave a relationship which turned into a nightmare - a decade of my life I can never get back. I wish I’d done it sooner.
It did hurt for a long time - but over time the healing began.
You can’t go on a fresh journey looking in a rear view window. You’ve lost yourself in this marriage. Start creating new lovely memories with your DD. Start by thinking about your future.
Leave him to be angry. He was and is a horrible, horrible man and if some poor woman gets stuck with him know that at some point she will get the abuse you got. I would say - start small. If the future feels daunting, take small steps. Plan a trip with your DD. See if there is somewhere local who could use your skills - a few hours volunteering every month honestly lifts your spirits.
That’s how I met my OH by the way and he’s fantastic. He’s a gem and I was mid 40s when I met him with a ton of baggage. Never put him off!
It will take time but by making new memories you will feel a shift.
A close friend of mine died suddenly recently - her chances of a future gone. You have many many chances for joy. Grab those chances you deserve them.
I want to wish you so much luck as you deserve it OP.
And your daughter will grow up proud that her mum was so brave.

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m touched that you remember my previous posts. I do realise now I left for myself too. There is no tension in our new home and just recently I’ve felt I can actually relax after a few months of not letting myself do that. I wasn’t used to it and didn’t know how. My dd and I are planning a trip abroad and it’s so exciting. I never thought I could do something like that without him but I’m going for it. Obviously he’s got wind of it and already said it’s ’a bad idea’!
It was only the last few days that I realised I just don’t want him back and I’m tired of pining for him because to him, I was just a mother to him and I was being used. The way he views women is sickening and he’s a really messed up individual. What annoys me is that so many think he’s just fantastic and does so much for the community and things like that. The friends we had who don’t speak to me now - I have no idea what he’s told them about me and that feels so unfair. I wish I could just warn everyone but obviously I won’t. I just need to not even let him cross my mind.
Thanks again for your reply. It does feel quite lonely but at least I have peace and have shown my daughter to always stand up for yourself and do the right thing

I've not been through DV in a relationship but did suffer violence at the hands of both my mother (from the age of 8) and stepfather (once when I was 18). I left home immediately after the incident with my stepfather and never went back. My mother, who wasn't present at the time, gave me no support, she told me I must have provoked him. With me gone, he became violent towards my younger sister and at that point she left him. I received no apology from her.

It took many, many years before I processed the emotions relating to what had been a shitty, highly dysfunctional childhood. Anger - to the point of being furious - was part of my healing process and it came and went quite randomly for months. I found daily journaling very helpful. Also writing letters to the perpetrators (which were destroyed not sent) was another good tool.

My experience was in no way, shape or form comparable to your experience but just know that you are far stronger than you think and you will come out the other side. Your nervous system needs time to recover and reset to a normal level. You have been through horrendous levels of stress. Allow yourself the time to heal and be kind to yourself. I wish you all the best.

Hey that’s amazing that you have a new home without hIm
i also sometimes wish it could go back to the way it was, because the pain and grief and anger and rage that I feel, is so unfair to our children
I try to stay positive for them, I have therapy multiple time a week, I am doing freedom programme which is great for meeting other women who have experienced abusive relationships. At first it’s heartbreaking to realise how common it is. Then it becomes soul destroying. Then you start noticing the safe people .. the couples that work .. the green flags.
I have fallen in love with inappropriate people but not dated since leaving
I guess there is a part of me that’s sad to sacrifice love and closeness and intimacy. But it came at such a cost and wasn’t real anyway

i am 2 years out. It doesn’t feel any easier but we are all definitely happier ..? Even though we are homeless and staying with my narcissistic mother which is not easy in the slightest
but the kids have friends, stability, community. I am free of his mind control

That sounds awful, you are proof that people can heal and it gives me strength so thank you for sharing your story.
You’re absolutely right I just needs lots of time to adjust and get the nervous system to normal. I’ve been reading how it’s a type of addiction, the person you’re used to comforting you is gone but they were also the source of the pain. A toxic bond. I really feel like I’m treating it as breaking an addiction now. The best thing was moving away.
Writing letters and journaling is a really good idea. I must do that!

Our stories are so similar! I was wondering how long it would take for me to feel ok again. I guess I shouldn’t rush it but just take each day as it comes.
I was looking into the freedom programme the other day, it’s definitely something I’d like to join. It must’ve been a shock to see how many women are going through the same but also such a huge help.
It is such a good feeling to be free of someone else’s mind control isn’t it.

I definitely recommend freedom programmme it’s really hard work but normalising on a scale you have never seen
i actually found myself missing life with him , in the last week. It’s been two years and I’ve never missed him at all. I probably drink too much and I took up vaping when I left him which I think fits the addiction model of abusive relationships. I want to quit everything but I don’t know how else to motivate myself. I have just retrained, hopefully doing a new job will help me rebuild :)

I’ve contacted the freedom programme people so hopefully I’ll hear back soon.
I think a new job will help a lot and keep your mind busy. I’m still at the stage where I’m constantly going over things that happened while I was with him, mainly wondering why I took that behaviour for so long and let myself be blamed for it when it was so obviously him. Yet still I miss him and care for him so much. It doesn’t make any sense does it! I suppose it’s because it’s the company and not all bad times. The good times were so good and a lot more common than the bad, which is what makes it so tough

They are very rarely 100 per cent devil. They need an act to pull someone in, otherwise they never meet a partner. But please don’t forget when he was bad he was awful not just to you, but to your children.
Time is the greatest healer.

I’ll never forget, don’t worry. When I feel sad and miss him, I refer to my huge list of red flags and then I remember I made the right decision 😂 I also really enjoy the peace now, most of the time.