Feel sorry for mother but also don't like her

[Obvnotthegolden]

My childhood was difficult and unhappy. My mother very obviously favoured my brother and was verbally aggressive, negligent, emotiionally abusive, rude, inappropriate, ignored boundaries, mean and nasty towards me.
I was always "too sensitive", silly, took things the wrong way etc
She's not been a nice person to me and I don't like her much as a person. But I do feel sorry for her.

I've been lc with her for a long time to protect myself and children from any more pain.
We live in a different country to her so lc is easy.
Ten years ago I thought she was a narcissist but recently I'm wondering if she's autistic.

My DC is autistic, I'm not saying autistic ppl are abusive but I do think if they are unaware and unsupported their behaviour can affect others.

It helps me understand her better and see how a lot of her behaviour was due to anxiety, emotional dysregulation, communication difficulties, lack of empathy etc
My brother was a handful as a child and is abusive as an adult so her favouring him has been to appease him and protect herself.

However, this doesn't help me tolerate her any better.

She now has cancer and is starting treatment. She's expected to recover.

We talk on the phone every week and I'm planning to visit her next month for two weeks.

The thought of those phonecalls and trip cause me so much anxiety and dread, sounds awful but I wish we'd gone NC years ago.

I don't hate her and I don't wish her any harm, but I don't feel anything for her.
I think I'm still annoyed at how she treated me because I simple don't want to talk to her. I have to force myself.

Idkw to do. I can't go NC now, she wouldn't understand and if she is autistic I can imagine how hard it was for her parenting me and especially my brother, and as a single parent.

But this anxiety is eating at me and making me ill.

Any advice please?

I think It’s positive that you recognise that her way of parenting may not have been her down to choice - rather overstimulation and emotional dysregulation. However, regardless of the reason, your experience as a child and growing up of living with this and it was/is still traumatic.

Would you ever talk to your mum about how you feel? Have an open chat? Would she recognise it? apologise? Open up about her experience of being a parent? Would this validation help you now?

Maybe suggest doing this on the trip, and if she is dismissive/ abusive you have the perfect reason to go no contact. If she does acknowledge it, then perhaps this may change how you feel - if it doesn’t, you could just say things have really impacted you and you’re no longer wanting contact?

Thank you for your reply.
I have tried to talk to her in the past but she brushed me off.

If I tell her I'm upset about something nasty she's said she says she didn't mean it that way, "now look at the dog".
She uaes the dog to distract anytime she wants to change the subject!

She's cancer free now and I've started rethinking contact with her again.

My fil died recently and she has not been supportive. A few days after the funeral she rang to tell me gossip salaciously about one of her neighbours who's had a mental breakdown. For 10 mins she prattled on being nasty about this poor woman until I interrupted to say were all still quite sad from the funeral and I didn't feel like talking.

I just felt sick she was so insensitive!

Augh going to reconsider the trip.

It’s interesting that you wonder whether your mother is autistic. Much like you I’ve wondered the same about my narcissistic mother.

I too have an autistic child. I realise that my mother’s behaviour is inconsistent as she is always mean to me but lovely to other people. My sister is the golden child. I’m not convinced anymore it’s ASD. My son doesn’t discriminate how he behaves towards other people, he can’t.

I wonder if it serves you to consider her autistic as it takes away some of the pain of being treated badly by her? There’s nothing wrong with that. But it still leaves you in a position of anxiety about seeing her.

Consider how it would feel to not make the trip. Weigh up what you would gain by going.

I wonder if it serves you to consider her autistic as it takes away some of the pain of being treated badly by her?
Thank you @Hellenbach yes I think this is it.

My DD is the same as your DS, she can't discriminate.
My mother is rude and nasty to almost every one around her, but thinking about it now she is capable of being polite and appropriate with medical professionals.
So she has awareness and is able to alter her behaviour.

It's ironic because she literally told me a few days ago, speaking about her poor neighbour, that people with mental health problems are manipulative.
Pot, black mother??

Don’t do the trip. Two weeks with her will drive you nuts. Don’t do it.

Don’t go - it will just be self abuse really.

Make up an excuse. And fgs drop the weekly phone calls. That’s far too often.

Regardless of why she was such a horrible mother, she was, and you don’t ever have to forgive her for it unless you want to.

Thank you so much, this is so validating and healing.
I actually start feeling anxious and sick the night before the call and all morning until it's over. I just can't force myself any longer.

I can't do the trip. My dd offered to go with me but I can't inflict my mother on her.

Actually my mother manages to be nice on the phone to my children the couple of times a year they speak. So my dcs think she's a sweet old "character".

No wonder this is validation, you all believe me and my experience of my mother.

Whatever I do for my mother is never enough, so why put myself through it.

OP
Another voice here saying don't do the trip - a poster said it well, it would be self abuse.
Also start rethinking the weekly phonecalls - as a start, at least skip a week.

I don’t want to sound weird, but your inner child is still very much afraid of your mother and trying to make you sick to avoid seeing her.

She is not autistic, she is just a bitch, same as mine.
I tried to make excuses to myself for her behaviour towards me for years, but she just simply likes my brother more, and wasn’t afraid to show it.
Stop the phone calls, definitely don’t do the trip, you will feel lighter and less anxious once the decision is made, she can only hurt you if you let her.

Poor you, OP my mother was similar. I agree with the others, don't go.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I think you are right that whatever you do it will not be right or enough.

The visit will provide material to be another stick to beat you with. Can you really cope with two weeks?

Your Mum may just be nasty not autistic. The autistic person i am closest too is utterly adverse to upsetting anyone. Look after yourself OP. You are worthy of love and you haven't had that from your Mum. You need to give yourself that love. Noone deserves to be the family scapegoat. It's awful for your self esteem and its just not true.

So do what you WANT not what you have been conditioned to think you should. Look after yourself. You are important.

@Happyinarcon whatever - maybe she should listen to her inner child.

I echo others in saying don't go. Or possibly if you go limit the visit to 4 or 5 days only? It's hard and I understand where you're coming from as my Dad was definitely autistic and highly critical of a lot of things - not nice when you're in the firing line. It's a difficult path to tread especially when they are elderly and ill. Look after yourself and your own family first; and try not to go on the guilt trip!

I could have written this. Both myself and my daughter are autistic and I’m convinced my mother is too, with a healthy dose of narcissism. She does mask to an extend but has also lost it at people other than me or my dad at times, at work or in public.

We're fairly low contact, a daily text and once a year visit.

This is very similar to me however with my mother, it's a combination of bipolar, ADHD and difficult childhood. On the last point, it’s become clear that (often), hurt people hurt people. Once I realised those 3 points it helped me understand her better and try to limit the hurt I was giving her in return. It’s not easy and sometimes you need to just reconcile the fact that just because she’s your mother and you love her, doesn’t mean you like her. Or even that she’s a good person. Boundaries are important but so is a little tolerance and understanding.

I’m autistic. You don’t know for sure about your mother but tbh you likely never will. So instead of going down this track think about what you can do to keep yourself at the “right” distance and maintaining whatever relationship feels appropriate. You don’t have to tolerate bile from another person just because they are autistic or your family.

My sympathies op. I'm another one with memories of my mother that just involve her being a nasty bitch, to the outside world and family she acted like a saint and could do no wrong. I was low contact for years but just after covid she was diagnosed with dementia, now I look after her 1 day a week and can honestly say driving down to her on that day makes me so tearful and depressed. Spending time and making someone comfortable that you really don't like is sound destroying, but the level of guilt and obligation from the family give me no alternative. Cancel your trip, like others and yourself said earlier, you can never please her so don't waste time trying.

One thing I did learn from my crappy parents though is how NOT to treat your own children, and a s a result the relationship I have with mine is rock solid.
Have a hug.

Your mum may well be autistic but she also sounds like she has a personality disorder possibly narcissism and was abusive to you as a child. I had a similar revelation as an adult. My brother is autistic and when my first cousin had a very autistic child I realised that many of my other relatives on my mum's side have high functioning autism. Everything clicked into place and I realised my mum is also autistic. I can see that she tried her best and loved me in her way but it affected my childhood. My mum also suffered great difficulties as a child (likely exacerbated by her autism,her own autistic mother, poverty and not having an understanding family). As a result od her treatment of me we are not close now. I went to therapy for a long while and I really recommend this. It helped me to grieve for the relationship we were never able to have and I am now lc but able to see her and deal with her in general without emotion and more like an unrelated carer. My mother wasn't as abusive as yours though and luckily I had a father who was kind to me. It's really tough. No answers but please look after yourself first and consider therapy if you haven't already.