Can I ask for advice from women who have had GOOD FWB situations?

[FluffyOctopus]

Met someone off Tinder, good chemistry, on to third meet.

I'm not looking for anyone to marry or move in with. He's leaving for a year long course in three months time and we've had honest talk about an exclusive FWB situation. Pretty much my ideal set up in principle and based on what I've seen of him. However, aware these things can end in disaster!

I can be a bit detached emotionally (haven't shagged anyone for three years until this week) so would like to jump in with this.

Just wondering if you had one which went WELL, how it panned out, any tips or safeguards? Or indeed any warnings, boundaries.

I don't have any helpful advice, I'm afraid, having no experience of FWB arrangements. But I'm curious to know, is an "exclusive FWB situation" one in which neither of you see other people? No dates, or Tinder conversations, or anything?

I understand it's not sleeping with other people. I don't have time to multiple date.

I'm off Tinder anyways as I hate the fucking app.

I don't think I'd overly mind if he was on it as long as he's reliable/attentive with me, although of course "jealousy" might crop up. I'd probably be upset if he started chatting with someone and then dropped me in a disrespectful way.

Good to think about these things.

It almost sounds like a boyfriend - girlfriend relationship but with really strict "we're not going to live in eachother's pockets" boundaries.
I had a friend with a BF like that once. I never met him, he never did any of her friendship-group things and she never did any of his. It seemed to work quite well. But I don't think it lasted long - definitely not more than 12 months. (I'm very old and noone used the term FWB last century but it's possible that's what they'd have called it now?).

I've had ones that have worked, but it's almost inevitable, someone is going to develop feelings if they go in too long and it can get messy.
If you're talking a matter of months, then go ahead and have fun 😁.

I had one that lasted a year. Very intense and fantastic fun. It ended 7yrs ago because I moved away but we still text most days. He admitted to catching feelings, but I managed to keep him at arms length emotionally because I had so much else going on at the time.

I never did exclusive FWB. It was just an in between bfs kind of thing and not long term, like a few months.

I had a brilliant FWB relationship that lasted for 6 years. We both set the ground rules early on. I had limited time as my child only had one weekend day a week with his father. I always went to his as he lived alone and it got me out. It suited us both perfectly. What ended it was a combination of things but it was fine. I miss him sometimes but it was great while it lasted. If I needed him he’d be there immediately. What I would say is that there were times feelings got stronger and I’d step back a bit and take some space. It works as long as you set your expectations and don’t fall in love.

Rare as hens teeth.

Thanks for the input guys.

I've normally "dated for a relationship" and as things often fizzle out anyway for X reason that's then my sex sorted if you're intimate early on?

When I tried the casual sex scene it seemed like a green light for really disrespectful behaviour (and given the state of dating apps in general, that's saying something 😬).

@TheFormidableMrsC

Yes he does give the vibe he (probably) would be "there for me". That's kind of appealing and more attractive.

I'm not needy and hyper-independent and am not a "first messager" on text but (so far) he has set things up so will host, drives me home, feeds me. Has suggested taking me on a hot tub weekend away which sounds nice.

It definitely seems more appealing than the "sext me a video of you putting a cucumber up your arse, and you might get the chance to pay half on a Travelodge or host" casual sex crowd.

Of course, then the FEELZ may come in if he's too nice and we have sex hormones 😬. I have a very full life but need to watch for this

Maybe I'll get a specific work project to coincide with his departure or something.

i think if you know he’ll be gone in 3 months it will really help ground you. You know it can’t turn into more.

I would say that I’d be sceptical of his definition of exclusivity… he’s on tinder looking for 3 months of casual sex. I very much doubt he’d stop looking. But then does that really matter?

Personally I’d avoid the hot tub weekend unless you have ZERO feelings for him though.

Maybe it can work sometimes but my experience was that it didn’t. Started a FWB situation when I was 16 (😳 I know 🤦) with NDN who was in my class at school ,which carried on for 2 years and was just meant to be messing around with a best friend and no strings attached (at the time I told myself it was safe as I knew him and we were extremely sensible and respectful etc). Although it was meant to be we could date others and at that point the ‘special friendship’ would revert back to just good/best friends neither of us really bothered to look for anyone else. 27 years later here we are 😂😂😂

I’ve got a great one! In place for years! We’re very casual, see each other when it suits, don’t put any pressure on it and we don’t get upset if the other person is busy etc. don’t expect to be a priority and don’t prioritise them. If I want to do something else and he is free I prioritise what I want and vice versa. Have very low expectations, if it’s just company and sex and fun it’s great, we both know this is what it is and are happy with this. If one of us wanted more it wouldn’t work.

I would avoid the weekend away thing. We did an overnight once and it was all a bit cringe to be honest. I didn’t actually like waking up with him or the noises of sleep farts and me with massive bed head and smudged mascara 😆. For me, arriving looking gorgeous, eating nice food, great sex, a lovely walk with the dog after was just enough. When you start going into “relationship” territory, you’re crossing a boundary of the arrangement.

This is very cute ☺️

I didn’t really want exclusivity as such. If it became a regular thing then we’d have the talk sometimes about telling each other if we were going to sleep with someone else from a safe sex/STI POV but I don’t think I’d do it if you’re going to get jealous of a potential other person. All my FWB situations was because I was attracted to them but would never have wanted to have a relationship with any of them so I wouldn’t have then had any jealousy as I was still single and dating (obvs not to a stage of having sex with anyone else) anyway. I think you have to try and switch off all emotions towards sex/the person if it’s a real FWB situation.

It's going very well. I think I'm getting feelings but in a nice way - as in just massively happy but not overly attached? He's a very nice chap indeed.

The sex is absolutely astounding, which helps.

That’s fair.

My only caveat is that you don’t know this guy, OP, so it doesn’t really fit my definition of FWB where there is some level of existing relationship (either a friendship, an acquaintanceship, or a relationship that only worked sexually) — be as cautious as you would be with any stranger. I’ve had two completely unproblematically ones lasting for around a year/eighteen months, now many years ago, one of whom I’m still on friendly terms with. I went to the other guy’s wedding, but we live half the world apart now, so only occasional texts to say happy birthday etc. It can work really well, if there’s a basic respect and both people want the same thing.

Mine have always worked very well. I'd say make sure you continue having protected sex and take anyone's claim of a desire for exclusivity with a pinch of salt.

I've had several, and all lovely.

But they've always started as genuine friends first, usually for several years, and the "WB" later, so I don't recognise the style of FWB which some people advocate here. And frankly wouldn't enjoy it - I like the emotional connection, even if I know we're not going to be "happy ever after".

To me it's always been pretty much equivalent to a normal relationship, just either non-monogamous, or with the understanding that even if we are monogamous, we're never going to have "life partner" type commitment. In each case I have had "very good friend" type commitment with them, which is different expectations.

Being up front about things so there's clear communication is what has worked best for me, I think. And expecting the same from the other.

I’ve been doing it 10 years as had too many abusive relationships, it’s perfect for just giving me what I need without all the crap. The fun bits really!

Got myself a FWB earlier this year and ended up sleepwalking into a relationship. Not that that’s been a bad thing so far, I just don’t feel in control of the situation. So I too am interested in how women make a FWB set-up work.