If you are avoidant

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If you are avoidant, how do you cope with a relationship?

I never paid much attention to attachment styles as the original concept wasn't developed with adult relationships in mind, but recently I've been trying to be brutally honest with myself about what went wrong in past relationships, and why the thought of another fills me with terror even after four years on my own. I decided to read some papers on adult attachment and realised I very much fit within the avoidant style.

I've had three LTRs, two of them were with men I didn't really like to begin with. I was young (17 and 21 respectively for those two) and just went along with things because I thought that's what people were supposed to do. All of them started to drive me insane after a few months, but the last one (who I met when I was 28, the person I did like) was the worst of all and was what led me to decide not to pursue another. All three men were abusive, and the last man assaulted me. Had it not been for one of those personal alarm things I happened to have in my bag I think he could have killed me.

Obviously the abuse wasn't my fault, but part of what drove the abuse was my avoidance. I would feel suffocated and back off. The more I pulled away, the more insecure they became. The more insecure they became, the more I went off them and the more they irritated me. The last one became convinced it was because I was cheating on him. I became snappy, he became controlling, which ironically made me secretive - I just found ways to meet people he was insecure about without him knowing. Little did I know he'd started following me and found out, which was when the assault happened.

I realised that the fear I have around relationships is not just about the possibility of being abused again, but also about what it brings out in me. I'm avoidant in all my relationships. I feel uncomfortable if a friend is affectionate towards me or tells me how much our friendship means to them, for example. But it's ok because it's not very often and isn't the same level of intensity. They don't sulk if I don't respond in a certain way, they just know I'm not a touchy feely person. I associate feelings like this with weakness even though I know it's not the case. When a man is like this I feel suffocated after a while because I can't escape it. My mind becomes preoccupied with finding faults with them. I start to feel irritated by them and ultimately I feel no attraction whatsoever. I end the relationships too late. I let people talk me round into giving things another go because I feel guilty. Relationships make me feel like I'm not a very nice person.

So I felt like I shouldn't have another one, because I fear the same dynamic of bringing out the worst in each other which wouldn't be fair on me or them. But sometimes I can't help wonder if it really would be like this with every person, or if I was just with the wrong people. Interestingly, the one I felt like this with least was the one who was also quite avoidant. He irritated me and could be extremely nasty but I didn't get the 'ick' for want of a better word. The other two, particularly the last one, were really intense and I felt like I couldn't breathe, I always had to be 'on'.

Has anyone else felt similarly? Any words of advice?

None of this is your fault. It’s learned behaviour to keep yourself safe after trauma. It’s positive that you’ve recognised that you have behaviours that aren’t healthy in a relationship. A lot of people don’t! It also sounds like this has been compounded by at least one abusive partner. If you start another relationship without working on yourself then nothing will change. And you’ll likely attract men who are similar.

Maybe consider the freedom programme?
Counselling can help but it’s not always financially possible for everyone.
I found the personal development school on insta useful when I was trying to unpick the reasons for the end of my last relationship with an avoidant.

To be honest, I don't think you are necessarily avoidant. Your behaviour sounds like a natural response to partners who are controlling and invading your boundaries and don't give you an appropriate level of freedom in the relationship. It's like your gut is telling you something, your inbuilt instinctive alarm system that gives you the ick and makes you want to retain the freedom you have left, when you are with a controlling partner. Note that needy insecure behaviour can also be a more covert way to control you through guilt tripping, it's not always as obvious as it was with the last partner you mentioned. Also, it's actually quite natural to become more secretive, about things that shouldn't be a problem, with a controlling partner. Again, because you don't want to give up your personal freedom and friendships (which you have every right to have in a relationship) and because you know there will be drama if you're honest. The alternative to avoidance in these situations can be a huge blow up over things that shouldn't be a problem, it's quite natural to not always have the strength to go through that.
Of course it's healthier to be 100% honest and then deal with it if you recognise that your partner is unreasonable and unwilling to stop the controlling behaviour, to end the relationship. But the reality is that we are not always ready to do that and want to give things a chance and just hope they'll naturally improve until we have absolute evidence that it won't.

The reaction you have with friends is, I think, a trauma response. Them saying how much you mean to them etc, can make you worry that they are going to have expectations on your time and effort that you might not be willing to sacrifice (similar to what your exes did), so that fear might make you want to back off when you hear such statements. Similarly you might struggle to accept help or favours for fear of being in someone's debt and that being used against you.
Luckily you say that there are no repercussions if you don't reciprocate the feelings to your friends, but sometimes it can still take a long time to trust other people and their intentions again.
As per the pp therapy might help with that process if you're worried you are holding yourself back.

@FidosMum84 @Howtohelpbirds Thank you both, that's been really helpful to read. I think I probably have always been avoidant because even as a teenager, the moment someone I liked showed interest in me I went cold and lost interest. I think it's all just been compounded by the abusive relationships and now feels insurmountable.

I did the freedom programme after the last relationship and gained a lot from it. I also read some books which made me think about things in a different way. Around the same time I reached the top of the waiting list to see a psychologist for cognitive analytic therapy, to go through childhood stuff I'd pushed away and how it impacted on my relationships with other people.

So I've done a lot of work, and I feel like a very different person to the person I was at the end of my last relationship four years ago. I still can't imagine myself ever being in another, but I do have feelings for someone for the first time in a long time and it's been bothering me a lot. I've been trying to remind myself that I don't actually have to do anything, I can just sit with the feelings, and have been working on grounding myself. I couldn't do this before, instead I would have removed myself from the situation so that I didn't have to deal with the panic it induced. It's something at least.