Asshole husband!

[charliemcb19]

I’ve been with my husband 17years. We have had our ups and downs like most people. Once came close to calling it quits down to the same problems that have reoccurred on n off over the years. Mt patience for it all now is paper thin and I don’t just accept it until I blow up now. So basically argue a lot more often.
He works full time as do I but everything else becomes my responsibility by default. The cooking, housework, organising the kids, making sure we have childcare, making sure the bills are physically paid etc(we split the bills). when I ask him for help I either get ignored or “yeah soon” until we argue bcoz I’m nagging.
Also he organises his social life without even taking me or the kids into consideration or consulting with me. He’s literally made plans for the next 2 weekends and none factor us in never mind me managing a coffee with a friend unless I take the kids along.

He acts like a single man living n at home with his mum. When I flip or give him the cold shoulder it’s me that’s the problem and his answer to his selfishness this morning is he’ll move out! At least no fake promises as cancelling plans won’t be an option. He can’t let his friends down. Parts of me actually wishes he would move out. Life wouldn’t be much different.
Apologies for the long winded post. I just had to offload

Well, you’ve had an argument this morning so you’ll be in the emotion of it now. I would have a think about this when I’d calmed. It sounds like a long term issue that needs resolving one way or the other as follows:

1.)You accept what he’s like and get on with it
2.)He accepts your position and makes changes
3.)You don’t accept it and he doesn’t change, so you continue to argue on and off
4.)You separate - he can see how much you facilitate his life and how hard it really is, and you probably carry on as normal and are less stressed emotionally ? (Financially may be another matter, don’t know your circumstances?

Have you considered getting counselling ? Explaining the situation in front of a third party may be good for the relationship.

He'd be better off moving out as he's treating you with zero respect. Encourage him to leave asap.
He's no use to you in the situation that's been created and he does not seem like the type to try and work through things or observe an attempt at self improvement.

You'll be better off and happier single. He will need to take the kids on his own half the time that way and there won't be anyone acting as his PA/cleaner.

You've identified the problem OP: he lives like a single man, treats you like his Mum and prioritises his friends.
That's not what marriages are supposed to look like. They are supposed to be a partnership of two equal people loving and supporting each other and organising their lives to their mutual benefit.
The question is are you going to put up with this and just be unhappy and resentful or are you going to do something about it.
Why don't you start by investigating how you would manage if you split up.

over the years we have been through steps one and two. Currently I think we are in step 3.
Financially I don’t ‘need’ him. Life would be less comfortable but most definitely I don’t need his money.

My husband isn’t a talker in general and that’s part of the problem. He doesn’t like something he hears it’s an argument.
counselling would be a big fat no.

I'd let him move out. Taking on all those tasks solo doesn't feel as bad when you're not faced with a man who is letting you carry the burden. Honestly, you'll feel empowered. He doesn't care about you enough to make sure his plans are fair to you so I wouldn't put up with it.

You’ve got him 100%. It’s like being on a merry go round. Same old over and over until I snap then the arguments start.

100%. The first paragraph nailed it.

Withdraw care. No washing for him, no cooking for him. He can look after himself! Absolutely no access to your body. No organising anything for him. Tell the kids daddy doesn’t help me so im not helping him anymore because it’s not fair if they ask. You’re not nagging he’s weaponizing incompetence. You’ll be so much more relaxed. Just stop expecting anything, just make plans to kick him out. He can sleep on the sofa.

It honestly sounds like you are ready to separate. This is not a happy existence.
Say you've thought about what he said & you agree he should move out. Tomorrow would be best. You'll set up a schedule for seeing the kids as it's only fair that they know what days they'll see him and it'll be nice for them to have some quality time with him
Let the selfish git do a bit of solo parenting.

You are already doing everything on your own but with a man who has zero respect for you or your marriage. Imagine what you could accomplish without the energy he takes up arguing with you. You already do things solo. This man is supposed to love you and respect you. He does neither. Your kids are watching and learning what relationships are about.