Outgrowing my parents?

[Lollipop20]

I wondered if anybody had experienced anything similar really so to provide some context I had a good upbringing my parents were both factory workers so working class although my father worked his was up and I would say we were ‘comfortable’ working class if that makes sense, we never had anything lavish but never went without.

Now I went to a good uni got a good degree and earning very well along with my husband, we have a child and both work extremely long hours in high pressured environments (both in consulting) both doing 3 hour commutes daily however my parents only seem to see what we earn (we are not flashy we still live in the house we got in our early 20s and ‘standard’ family cars as we would rather a low mortgage and outgoing and save etc) and over the last few years (and it has already been said by my mother) they have the attitude of ‘they don’t know how lucky they have it’ and show complete lack of empathy when I have any kind of problem really and it’s really causing a rift. It almost seems as if they are slightly envious? I don’t know, I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this? I used to be close to my parents but feel very distant from them now, almost like outgrown them? ( we also have very different political views etc which doesn’t help they are very much more right wing)

As a caveat they love their grandchild and are always available practically if we need them- they look after them after school when’s needed etc (although even that has its problems as they sit them in front of a tv and give them dinner like they did with me as a child which I have asked not to however appreciate they are helping us which they voluntarily offer to do)

'As a caveat they love their grandchild and are always available practically if we need them- they look after them after school when’s needed'

Focus on this. Many of us have different views to our parents once we have grown up, it's fine.

Regarding their comments that you've never had it so good just shrug it off. Try and be a bit more resilient and pick your battles going forward in life.

I don't think it matters. They don't fully understand your life, just as you don't fully understand what their life was like for them when you were young. As for the political views - I know people like that and I just never speak about politics, and if they bring it up just don't engage much unless you want a fiery debate!
It's not the end of the world if your child watches TV while eating. Free childcare and spending time with their grandparents is a good thing, and you don't need to totally control everything, it's a small point in the great scheme of things.

I get this. I come from a very working class background and we struggled a lot. My mum is fairly comfortable now but that's thanks to inheritance which helped her purchase property in later life; she still works in a very low paid role. My DH and I are in middle class professions, though in his case he comes from a very wealthy family. So we're in between - I've been more successful than my mum, whereas DH is comparatively poorer than his parents!

I just avoid talking about money with my mum now, but it was a point of contention in the early days of my career where she would make snide comments about me becoming middle class and "marrying rich" (my PILs very kindly helped us pay a deposit to buy a cheap house, but that's the only financial support we've ever taken from them). She's more envious of my in-laws really, but I just don't rise to any snide comments about them (they're lovely people who've earned their money through hard work and it's all deserved).

As a PP said, just focus on the gains you get from their grandparent role and avoid/ignore conversations about work or money.

Also grandparents sitting their dgc in front of the telly is fine. Parents do all the 5 veg a day and crafting/boring stuff. Grandparents tend to do the easy, fun stuff. I would try and chill out a bit or you will damage your relationship irrevocably and parents are too important to have a rift with over such minor issues.

Are you a bit ashamed of their working class background now you're doing so well, is there a bit of snobbery going on do you think?

Well, without the life they gave you, you would not be in the position you are now. It sounds as if you are now embarrassed by the people who brought you up.

I think it’s time to instead of focusing on the cons in your relationship with your parents, you instead concentrate on the pros. From what you say they are steady, solid, dependable, willing parents and now grandparents who raised you to the best of their ability.

You were invariably influenced by your environment and education, (as we all are), which may have been different to the advantages and environment your parents experienced.

Your parents aren’t living your life so they cannot be expected to fully comprehend the pressures etc you live with daily. Cut them some slack, they sit your child in front of the tv, at least your child is being cared for in a safe place. I think you have much to be thankful for.

although even that has its problems as they sit them in front of a tv and give them dinner like they did with me as a child

And you ended up going to uni and doing very nicely for yourself, thank you very much.

You need to get over yourself a little bit and recognise your parents gave you a springboard to do all this. I'm sure you've worked hard to achieve all you have, but they did their best for you.

And they're now supporting you further with childcare.

I'd avoid politics and practise gratitude.

I don’t think it sounds like that at all. Sounds like op’s parents are making comments that suggest because she has more than they had at her age that she has no right to have any issues or struggles. You can be very wealthy and still have valid struggles.

I agree that a bit of TV is really not the end of the world. It's not as if it's your child's entire lifestyle - it's a bit of a treat with Granny and Grandad.

I would guess your parents know you find your lifestyle high pressured; they obviously know about the long hours. Maybe they feel as if you're giving them the impression they didn't work hard enough, and that's partly where the tension lies? Maybe next time one or other of them says something, you could turn it into a conversation about how they feel? Like, 'mum, did you feel lucky having more time with us as children than we do with [grandchild]?'

Then maybe your parents would be able to talk about it all a bit more openly.

FWIW, I see the other side of this. Parents definitely middle class and very comfortable; I have a shit ton of qualifications but these days I am a single mother working in a fairly blue-collar job. My parents do not understand what it is like to be constantly worrying about money. But they do see how lovely it is to have almost total flexibility to do things with my child, which is a perk of my job. Any lifestyle has its ups and downs.

Maybe next time one or other of them says something, you could turn it into a conversation about how they feel? Like, 'mum, did you feel lucky having more time with us as children than we do with [grandchild]?'

Gosh, I think that could come off as really passive aggressive and it's probably also inaccurate as op says both her parents were factory workers, which I don't think are particularly known for short shifts and great conditions.

I don’t read this into that all. If it were the case the OP would have packed up and moved away to a massive house with an equally massive mortgage and stopped spending any time with them.

I think comments like yours reveal YOUR views more than the OPs

She sounds perfectly grateful. What she is talking about are the frequent snide comments and lack of anything resembling empathy when things are hard in her life because parents seem to think she has no right to feel anything other than happy. Always.

OP I do understand you, your parents seem to lack awareness of the stresses of two professionals having to hold down careers and family life and instead act like you should never complain because you earn more than they did. Sounds like a lack of empathy on their part.

I think it's quite hard not to think "first world problems" when your life experiences have been quite different. And maybe there's a touch of inverse snobbery or "tall poppy" there with her parents.

But I don't feel like OPs entirely innocent in the divide. It's hard to put yourself in each other's shoes.

Yes they may lack awareness but the op's question was 'am I outgrowing my parents' and no, we don't outgrow our parents even if they let their dgc watch telly and have different political views.

She is doing what many if not most do and that is dealing with sometimes difficult dynamics.

The answer isn't to become estranged but to take the rough with the smooth, respond to any negative comments with a positive response and move on.

Yep .

I don't see this as being about embarrassment, but rather OP do you want them to acknowledge in some way that you also worked to get where you are, just in a different way? And they keep saying it is down to some manifestation of good fortune, or something like that? If so I understand.

I think, once we grow up it is ok to realize that we don't have much in common with our parents. Many of us don't have the same experiences, values etc.
Some parents prioritize the relationship with the adult children and refrain from judging / commenting / coming across as if they (parents) still held moral autority over their children's choices.
Others don't. And since bogh sets of people are now adults, their children grow apart from them and are not keen on being intimate, just as they are not keen on being intimate with other adults they don't have much in common with.

I find it hard to sympathise with parents thinking anything but joy and pride if their dc do better than they did themselves.
i would be so happy. But with property prices being what they are I know it is highly unlikely any of mine will.
I certainly wouldn’t feel tall poppy resentment

People aren't perfect.

And while the parents may not really "get" why OPs greater earning power etc doesn't solve all her problems, it seems like they are generally supportive and helpful to her.

My parents left school at 12, are semi-literate, and worked in minimum wage jobs all their working lives. I got scholarships to university, despite their ‘not for the likes of us’ disapproval, and have been an academic all my working life. They haven’t the remotest understanding of my job, and have always tried to downplay it — I was amused to find at a recent extended family gathering that my uncle’s family all thought I was a secretary (which could have been a misunderstanding were it not for the fact that they thought I was a secretary at the local university). But I love them. It doesn’t matter. I’d love it if they were proud of me, rather than mortified by my achievements , but you know.

Well, I suppose it depends how you say it!

It wouldn't have to be a comment about having more time, it could be anything - but there must be things where the OP's mum actually feels she gave her children something the OP and her DH don't or can't. The OP just needs to figure out what those are.

And, it does depend, you know. I have a lot of friends who do or have done factory work, and often it is sought after because the late shifts work well around children.