Am I wrong for hiding this from my husband?

[unfaithfulornot]

Married for nearly 20 years, with kids. I’m 40 now.

when I was 20 I went to a music festival. Shortly after a guy reached out to me on a festival related forum to chat, we have never met in person, but chatted online ever since. Very occasionally there was some flirty banter (years ago) but mostly just friendly chat about our lives, music, hobby’s, he’s currently single but has been in some relationships, he knows about my family etc and we live many miles away from each other. No plans to meet up but we spoke on the phone, exchanged photos, and generally have a good connection.

about 10 years ago my husband saw a message from the guy on my phone and was very upset and angry. I explained the nature of our „friendship” and he „forgave” me.

my husband is a very insecure person. Whilst I have no doubt he loves me deeply and care about me I know that part of his affection comes from his insecurities.

I now always make sure my husband doesn’t know that I’m still in touch with this guy. Sometimes we talk once a week, sometimes once a year, there’s no pattern, no expectations. I don’t necessarily want to cut contact with him but at the same time feel guilty for keeping it a secret from my husband. But I know if he knew he wouldn’t have approved and told me to stop.

any thoughts? Be honest.

Did you initially keep the friendship secret because your husband was 'insecure'? Is he 'insecure' about anything else? Your job, clothes, friends, evenings out?

so when we got together initially I didn’t see his insecurity.
then after some time he started to be jealous of me going out without him, for a while I listened and stayed at home 24/7 but then opened my eyes and said hold on, I’m not your slave, I’m allowed to go out without you every now and again and after many fights things are now much better, he trusts me as I have never given him a reason not to apart from this one secret. I love my husband, he’s my best friend, I guess my worry is one day he will find out and I will regret it deeply. But after 20 years of knowing this other guy it would be a shame to just cut him off especially as the relationship is very innocent.

Problem with lying,even if well intentioned, it makes something innocuous seem sinister
You shouldn’t have to lie,you should be able to be mates with man without your husband disapproval
inevitably he’ll be upset and it’ll cause problems

weirdly similar situation with me and ex roommate, had an emotional affair with him . Could have been sexual but he was a player and cheater and thought it was ok to cheat before marriage. But we have always stayed in touch. We just get on so well and genuinely want each other to be happy. More i got to know him the less I trusted him but my gosh did we have chemistry. We were both in relationships I’m now married to same guy. We just can’t seem to let each other go? I have to be careful as it can get flirty quick so mostly w just catch up about kids etc a few times a year. Although at Xmas I video called him and it was just awful how much we clicked again. It’s a weird one. Husband I think - thinks I was into him but doesn’t realise it was reciprocated and I did the turning down. It’s mega weird. But yeh would feel like a dick to block him as he’s not done anything. But maybe deep down we are keeping them around in case we have an opportunity for something to happen for whatever reason!

*at the time emotional affairs weren’t even a thing so only retrospectively I realise this

That’s not very nice. He accepted it why didn’t you just let him know that the friendship remains? The secrecy is the worst bit for me..

I think you’ve both been unreasonable here.

If your husband carried on a friendship despite knowing it made you feel uncomfortable how would you feel?

You keep it a secret because you know it’s not legit and I think you are looking to us to help you justify this ‘friendship’ so you can feel less guilty….

You're describing someone very controlling who uses insecurity as an excuse. You kept the friendship secret because you know he'd insist you cut him out.

The problem was lying from the start. It makes it appear like there is something to hide.

He's not insecure, he's jealous and possessive.

I couldn’t be doing with an insecure man. There’s nothing quite so unattractive to me tbh. Just ugh.

I speak to a few men now and again. We have banter and yes, with one of them it was initially flirty etc. I mentioned it in passing a couple of times to my husband (of nearly 11 years) and he literally couldn’t care less. But then he’s not an angry needy kinda guy and - the crucial thing - he trusts me.

the issue you have here is your husband. Tbh, you need to hide this from him because by coming clean, he’s going to do the whole jealous baby thing.

so the choice is keep quiet and crack on. Runs the risk of it looking more than it is though. Or you face it out with your husband, tell him it’s your friend of 20 years and you won’t be told who you can and can’t talk to and just basically front it out and let him sulk.

on balance, just tell him and let him deal with it.

it’s a friend. You don’t have designs on him. You like him. He adds something to your life. All of those points are valid and not wrong
tell your husband to grow up

Maybe he's insecure with good reason - that being a 20 year betrayal. He might not know, but everyone has intuition.

I also have an online friend that I've known 20 years via music forums, maybe it's the same person as I think this guy was quite social online back in the day! We've still never met, but when social media became a thing we befriended each other and still keep in touch now. Mostly polite exchanges, birthday greetings etc. I've never mentioned it to my DH, not because it's a secret, I've just never thought to do so. Your DH sounds a bit unreasonable for being jealous of someone you've never even met, but I'm not sure continuing to keep it secret will do you any favours. I'd just tell him straight you intend to maintain contact with this man and that he needs to work out his own insecurities.

I wouldn’t say my husband truly accepted it at the time. After he saw the initial message on the phone I showed him many more to prove it was all an innocent chat and he never mentioned it again but the initial anger and frustration showed me I mustn’t do it again.

If it was the other way round and he actually showed me the messages and I knew for a fact they have never met and never will I would be totally fine with it.
I don’t want to keep it a secret from him, I wish I could tell him so and so called today and we talked about this and that. But there is no way he would accept it.

But the OP isn't having an emotional affair.

OP, from what you've said it genuinely does sound like you're two people who have some shared interests and enjoy catching up with each other from time to time. To prove this you gave your husband full access to your chat history but he STILL doesn't trust you. And it's terrible that he was happy to let his jealously trump your right to independent life and that you had to push back to reclaim this.

He's behaved very badly and it is entirely on him that you've been pushed into secrecy over this.

I have to say I’m so torn between appreciating my husband’s devotion to our family vs his clinginess I don’t know if I fancy it or not. I read MN and so many threads about partners who go out with mates and check out of family lives and it’s not something I could ever accuse my husband of. But at the same time I know never to mention certain things like if I spoke to another male in a pub/work unless he knows them, let alone having a long term online male friend.

I think I need to scale back on the online friendship for my own sake as the guilt is real and I don’t want to feel like like this.

You're just capitulating to his control. It's a shame to lose a friendship of 20 years because of your husband.

You've got nothing to feel guilty about.

can you explain what happened 10 years ago that made him "upset and angry" before you had even explained to him who it was from? Do you have friends now that you see without him?