Help

[Rubytinsleslippers]

Husband of 15 years just said we should separate. I am devastated. We have 2 children. He says I don't respect or listen to him. The choices I have made actually mean I am leaving them, that I have actually been cheating emotionally. That I am so disconnected and distracted he needs to protect himself and the children.
He's right. I've been caring for a very ill parent for the last 2 years. I'm currently signed off with stress due to this. I have prioritised them instead of us. He understands why but he can't live in this situation any more. His parent died suddenly in the middle of this and I still didn't prioritise him. I still am enmeshed looking after my parent.
I don't know what to do. He's right. The kids would want to be with him, not me.
I don't know what to do.

I think you would get some responses, and hopefully some good advice, if you posted on relationships rather than AIBU. you probably need to list the DC ages too as they may affect the advice. I hope you are getting some help and support for your MH, look after yourself

Definitely get this moved. AIBU isnt the right place to come when feeling emotionally vulnerable.

It sounds like there's a very complex situation going on with a lot of grief from both sides. It sounds like you would both benefit from some therapy before making any big decisions, even if it just helps you to coparent better in the long run

Is it too late to get somebody else to care for your family member and focus on your husband? That would be a sign that you’re willing to go above and beyond what you’ve been doing previously.

Children and 13 and 9.
It's very complex. I don't have anyone else who can help.
i have just started with a counsellor. But I think it's too late.
He says it's the choices I have made have got us here. And he's right. He has sacrificed so much to help, picked up all the slack and there is no end in sight.
I know I am burnt out. Something has to give and it seems like this is it. He is burnt out too. He is grieving.

It sounds like it’s properly over so the best thing you can do is accept it, as you seem to, and be as fair and reasonable in the divorce as you can.

I don't want it to be over. I love him. I'm so sad. I can't think about not being with him and not seeing my children every day.

If you still love him, and it sounds like he may well still love you, then hopefully it’s not too late. Couples therapy? And you must re-examine your priorities. To be brutal, no decent parent would want their adult child to sacrifice their marriage and stability for the grandkids for them. If one of your parents is expecting you to do that, it’s deeply unhealthy. What happens to you when that parent dies, if you’ve lost an otherwise good marriage? And all those years with your kids while they are you you won’t get back.

If I’m reading this correctly - you think you’re emotionally cheating because you’re caring for your parent? Please cut yourself some slack.

Being on the other side is difficult - my ex-husband completely disengaged from our marriage after his father passed away. We’d spent the 3 years previous caring for him and had no time for each other then either. Those few years and then the ones that followed his death were a really horrendous time for everyone.

If your husband has recently lost a parent, and you’re caring for yours, it sounds like you’re both in a really difficult position and are probably not emotionally equipped to be maintaining a marriage. That doesn’t mean it has to end.

Small steps, if he can be convinced, to get back to “normal” or at least make some changes, might be all you need - just some progress.

I had a similar situation with my now exDP. He said I didn’t prioritise him. I was busy looking after two ill relatives. We had it to come with his parents and I was fully prepared to help him with them when needed and to take a backseat on his priority list at that point.

In a marriage, don’t people promise to love each other “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health”? And isn’t this a “for worse” time?

I’m sorry you are going through this, OP. You sound a kind and caring person. I wish your husband would appreciate that and support you. This time will pass and you will be able to spend time with each other and care for each other again. But right now, your parent needs you and your husband should understand that and support you. He sounds a bit selfish to me (sorry).