I need help

[ThisLoyalOtter]

I dont know what to do, Im 37M and my wife left me at the end of december and told me she wasnt in love with me anymore.
For two months i slept on the sofa trying to make things work and she was trying for a while but now has no interest.

Since then she kicked me out of our house, removed everything of mine from the house, i had to get a loan to buy a caravan to stay in so i can spend time with our kids.

Withing a month of me moving out there is another man at the house, not staying, but he has been there the past 5 nights even while my kids were there, i asked her to not have him there while they are there as i dont know him but she wont listen, she says nothing will happen while the girls are there and that if anything gets serious then she will tell me and them.

She says the kids are her priority but i dont see it, and i dont want them to get hurt, they are all i have left.

When i left she told me she was not interested in anything with anyone but here he is, he has already met most of her friends and has been around my kids, he has also been leaving his belongings in the house.

I feel completely replaced and like i am nothing to her, after almost 16 years together, i am here still completely in love with her and wanting to fight for her but she is not interested.

Despite all of this why am i not angry with her? Her actions are hurting me to no end and not a day goes by where i dont break down.

She is living in our home, we have a fixed rate on the mortgage which she said she can pay herself for now, we dont wont to sell our home but cant keep it if not together so will need to sell it in the next 2 years as she couldnt afford it after the rate ends.

I just want her to come and ask me to come home but she probably never will, she says that she doesnt know what will happen in the future and if her feelings will change but how could i go back now even if she did.

I believe she is filling me with false hope of a possible future and that she will never really come back, she says she doesnt want to hurt me and we are trying to remain friends but why is she treating me like this, i feel so alone and i struggle everyday.

I just dont know what to do.

You need to be legal advice OP.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. It’s also your house and you have rights and she should not be having a man in that house whilst it’s still your house.

Please get to a solicitor ASAP.

She can't kick you out of your home if you also own the house. Legally you can go back. As advised you need legal advice.

Two separate issues here - one legal the other emotional.

The legal one - you need to see a solicitor asap. She can’t just throw you out of a home you jointly own.

The emotional one is more difficult - she’s ended the relationship and as much as it hurts, you need to accept her decision. It will hurt for s long time but you will gradually start to heal.

I dont want to be that guy, I dont want to take everything away, I would be taking our home from the kids too.

I agreed to stay away as i still want to hope for a chance to fix all this.

I guess she has made up her mind though and maybe i am being an idiot for wanting to still be with her.

You can only now go on what she is showing you which is that she wants to break up. You need to start treating it like that.

Please go back to your home and do not leave(this is what your solicitor would tell you)

Tell your wife the house will be going up for sale and the proceeds split. Please stop being walked all over. I know it hurts and how much pain you are in but you have to keep yourself right now.

No one is suggesting you take the house away, just that legally you can go back. You need legal advice.

You need to see a solicitor.

and she was definitely seeing this guy before December.

I dont believe she was seeing him before i left, they were introduced through a friend around the time i left.

They are not actually together but i know he has kissed her and he has been around our house the past 5 night, not always just the two of them and he has not stayed over... or so im told.
My kids just think he is a friend, but the more he is there they will realise and if they get hurt they will be staying with me.

Maybe im being naive but she has not once lied to me before the past week, so i want to believe her.

I have emailed her recently about splitting bills and my proposed outcome for when we do sell the house, she has not yet replied but i have included about this other man in this email so there is a trail of this if i ever need it in the future, i do not want to have to go down that road but i am trying to protect myself and my kids.

I would suggest that she's being very mercenary and looking after her own interests. That's how you must be. Forget about winning her back, that's not that important. What is important is your legal rights. You must get back in that house. You have a legal right to be there. Whether it disrupts her love-in with her new bloke, who gives a shit? Seriously legal advice as soon as possible.

She is looking after her own interests and you must look after yours.
That doesn't mean making your kids homeless or anything but all this needs to be formally agreed for everyones sake.
You also need to realise your marriage is over

I agree with everyone who say go back and see a solicitor. Your children need you to look out for them. It will be emotionally difficult for you, but Grey Rock it. After the children are in bed put your earbuds in and listen to music, radio or watch something on whatever devices you have.
This is the advice I’d give my sons.

Sorry OP but I agree with the others. You need to wise up or you risk losing even more.

She's using you as a safety net. If things don't work out, she knows she can run back to you because she knows you'll have her back. Don't be that guy. Don't hope for reconciliation. It's not in your interests anyway. Secure your legal rights, looks after the interests of your children and look after your emotional wellbeing.

Thank you all for the help, i am asking for advice with this.

I do really wish it was all different but she will never come back, and maybe you are right she is saving me as a backup in case she doesnt find anything else, and i should not be that.

I deserve to be the first choice, i deserve to be wanted, she always used to tell me she couldnt live without me, i hate that that has changed.

If she ever does want to try i will keep an open mind but i need to do whats right for me.

I'm sorry you're going through this @ThisLoyalOtter. As another poster said above there are two sides to this, your emotions and the legal stuff.

It certainly does seem that your wife at least knew this guy before she asked you to leave - but in all honesty it doesn't matter if she was actually having an affair or not - unfortunately she has decided that your relationship has come to an end. This is not what you want - and I'm sorry - but you have to come to terms with this - she is no longer your partner on an emotional level.

On the legal side - agree with others - the house is half yours and a solicitor will advise you to move back in. But take it from me who has done it - it is EXTREEMLY hard to go through a divorce while sharing the same roof and is likely to damage your future co-parenting relationship.
Your wife is being extremely naive if she thinks you should move out with no consequences. You may be on a fixed rate mortgage - but there are some you can port - where one of you can take over the mortgage as an individual or change the mortgage to a new property and not have to pay the early redemption fees. Might be worth investigating that.
If she takes over the mortgage she will have to buy you out - ie pay you half the value of the house (or whatever percentage you agree between you)
Also any other assets including pensions need to be divided between you.

The first step for you now I'm afraid is to go to a solicitor to get some advice. Also you can speak to them about making arrangements foro the children... Do you have the space to have them over with you in the caravan?