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Original poster

Oral Sex After Abusive Relationship

10 replies

jml83 · 04/04/2025 07:06

I am in the beginning stages of a divorce from an extremely abusive husband after being separated (but living in the same home) for over a year. I have been seeing someone new for a few months - we dated as teenagers until I moved away, stayed friends over the years and now we started back up again. Everything is going great, the emotional and sexual chemistry is off the charts. He has had to be patient with me (which I really feel guilty about even though he is completely unbothered by it) because I have a lot side affects from the trauma of abuse - flinching, freezing, etc., sometimes during/surrounding sex. We have naviagted pretty easily through all of it and for the most part, those things are in the past.

The exception is oral sex, both giving and receiving. I finally was able to let him go down on me without any hesitation or issues and it was amazing. But I still have a serious block when giving - I mentally freeze and I just can't do it. I have never had an issue with this in my life and it is so frustrating for me, I enjoy it so much and I really want to do it for him. He does not pressure me or get frustrated with me or even ask for it right now, he let's me try when I want to and is so understanding and comforting about the issue I am having. Oral sex has been a hard no in my marriage for a very long time, I couldn't handle giving or receiving from someone that was hurting me so badly. But in order to survive and be physical at all, I had to seriously detach from myself and I think that's where my issue stems from. I need to be able to read my partner and be in touch with myself in order to do it and for this specifically I have been unable to even though I have been able to reconnect with almost everything else sexually.

Has anyone else had this issue? How did you get past it? I miss this part of my sex life, it was always one of my favorite things to do and I want it back. I am sad and angry that my abusive ex has taken this from me and I just don't know what to do. Thanks in advance for your help.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 04/04/2025 07:14

Sorry you’ve gone through this … even though I think you should have had a gap to become your own person before another relationship you sound happy and like you needed this. Can you see a counsellor or sex therapist to help you heal? This may be the only way? It sounds like you’ve overcome hurdles already with your partner so this maybe the way forward.

VoodooQualities · 04/04/2025 07:30

My issue like yours was around oral sex and I wanted to do it but it brought back memories. I got over it though, it can be done! For me it was a mix of counselling and a supportive boyfriend, which it sounds like you have the latter.

Remember HE did it to YOU, it's not your fault. It may take time but I hope you realise like I did that he is a nasty and pathetic excuse for a man who doesn't deserve to live on in your head.

I wish you happiness! Your new man sounds lovely, I hope he's a keeper, if he is I do think over time you will be able to do the thing for him that you're struggling with at the moment.

RedHelenB · 04/04/2025 07:33

I'd concentrate on the things you can do for now rather than pressuring yourself to do one particular thing.

StarlightLady · 04/04/2025 07:35

VoodooQualities · 04/04/2025 07:30

My issue like yours was around oral sex and I wanted to do it but it brought back memories. I got over it though, it can be done! For me it was a mix of counselling and a supportive boyfriend, which it sounds like you have the latter.

Remember HE did it to YOU, it's not your fault. It may take time but I hope you realise like I did that he is a nasty and pathetic excuse for a man who doesn't deserve to live on in your head.

I wish you happiness! Your new man sounds lovely, I hope he's a keeper, if he is I do think over time you will be able to do the thing for him that you're struggling with at the moment.

Sound, constructive words indeed. I think @VoodooQualities has expressed everything so well.

Continue to communicate with your partner, a good ‘en will be patient. In the meantime enjoy what he is giving you.

BusyExpert · 04/04/2025 07:40

you don't have to do any sexual act that you do not want to. Concentrate on the things that both you and your partner do enjoy.

VoodooQualities · 04/04/2025 08:32

you don't have to do any sexual act that you do not want to.

Very true indeed, but she wants to.

OP, you sound like you're already making huge progress actually, I just wanted to say that too.

✅ Embarked on a new relationship
✅ Rediscovered that not all men are bastards
✅ Enjoying sex
✅ Freezing and flinching mostly in the past
✅ Feeling like you're navigating through some of this pretty easily
✅ Had oral off him and it was amazing

That's an impressive tick list already !!

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/04/2025 09:24

@jml83 Have you had therapy before starting your new relationship?

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/04/2025 09:26

BusyExpert · 04/04/2025 07:40

you don't have to do any sexual act that you do not want to. Concentrate on the things that both you and your partner do enjoy.

How did you read that from the post ?!
OP stated the opposite .

Sourwitch · 04/04/2025 09:27

RedHelenB · 04/04/2025 07:33

I'd concentrate on the things you can do for now rather than pressuring yourself to do one particular thing.

This. Lots of couples don’t enjoy it for an array of reasons and that’s ok. I would leave it off the cards for now until you feel able.

BusyExpert · 04/04/2025 19:31

you are clearly confused, or perhaps lack comprehension

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