DH has completely lost his sex drive and I have no idea what to do.

[nousername896]

I have obviously name changed for this post.

DH & I have been together for 20 years. Both very inexperienced when we first met but over the years we have enjoyed a healthy sex life, although I have always had a higher sex drive than him.

Up until late last year we would have sex usually once per week, we have gone through some significant life stressors in the past few years, DH lost his job and is now in a different role and earning less money, financially things have been very tough and we also have very young DC, around October he started to feel very exhausted and was struggling to get up in the morning, this went on for a few months and finally he seen the GP and had some bloods done which were all normal. He now feels that the exhaustion is a bit better but his sex drive took a nose dive and it's now completely gone.

He has been very honest about it (which for someone who is not the most open about things like this has been really hard for him) and is very worried about it, he says that he has absolutely zero desire to have sex, and when we try to be intimate he is so anxious now that he cannot even get an erection.

He is a healthy weight, eats well, runs about 30km per week and does strength training and drinks alcohol maybe twice per week so overall a fit and healthy guy for his age (we are both early forties) he has tried masturbating when I'm not at home and admitted last night he even looked up some porn on his phone last week to see if he could illicit some sort of response and it done nothing for him at all.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, some insight maybe if anyone has experienced this before? We had a very frank conversation last night and he said he is now having anxiety ridden dreams that his sex drive won't return. I have zero idea of how to support him other than saying that I'm here for him and happy to do anything.

I think he needs therapy which he has said he will do but I don't even know where to start with what kind of therapy he needs.

Feeling so sad about all of this so please be kind in your responses.

Thank you.

Has he spoken to his GP about it?

@MinnieMountain He mentioned his lack of sex drive to the GP when he initially went for the blood tests, everything was normal including hormones/testosterone levels. However things have gotten much worse despite his overall energy levels improving.

I think he should go back to the doctor and chase it up some more, if he wants things to change. I don't think I'd accept "oh blood tests are fine", and no further help with it, if I were him.

I think he’s depressed after losing his job and going through a significant period of life stress.

are your financial stresses over? If so it’s going to take the body a while to adjust plus it may have subconsciously thrown up stuff for him, not being good enough, fragility of life etc.
i would start with a low dose of anti depressants to see if it starts to alleviate symptoms (this is the cheapest) then in a few weeks start with a session with a therapist (you can search by closest postcode on counselling directory)
good luck

Sounds like he has been having an extremely stressful time, and his job situation will have emasculated him a bit (in his eyes, men can be funny about stuff like that).

Perhaps nonsexual intimacy, with the assurance for him that it won't go any further, might help in the short term?

I think you should back off and ease off the pressure as you'll just make it worse. Just give him time, it sounds like a stressful time

@justmeandmyselfandi

I'm not putting him under pressure, but I'm surely allowed to be worried about this?

@LaurieFairyCake

Unfortunately not, our financial stress is ongoing and tbh probably won't change for a long time, it will ease up in 2 years once we np longer have childcare fees but our mortgage rates are through the roof.

Did they check Thyroid? I would push for getting that checked again.

Is he on antidepressants? Could he be taking some he hasn’t told you about? They can have a negative effect on sex drive.

It happened to my OH when he was made redundant, his blood tests were all normal but all sexual desire gone. When he got another job he started to feel more like his old self and his desire came back.

I would concentrate on closeness and non sexual intimacy - cuddle up on the sofa and watch a romantic movie, massage and baths/showers together, take the pressure to have sex away and just enjoy being close and enjoying each other's company. It's a temporary problem, he's feeling stressed and under pressure with work and finances. If he's still feeling like it in a few months, he could speak to his GP.

This happened in a relationship I was in.
The job loss hit his ego and self worth so deeply it affected all areas of his life. It shocked him to his core. His confidence was gone, shattered.
Sex was non existant, even kissing or hugs. He was afraid to relax or try.
This went on for 2 years, long after he got a new job.

Insist dh goes back to the Dr. Tell him his marriage depends on it.
Anti depressants, therapy, whatever it takes.

I highly suspect it’s environmental if life is stressful right now, perhaps depression if life just isn’t very happy right now. Do you both make the effort to take some time for each other? I appreciate money is tight right now, but date nights? Time just for yourselves? No pressure for sex but having a meal together etc? Do you have any external support for the kids?

Hit the nail on the head I think.

We have 4DC and zero family support. We occasionally have a lunch out together when kids are in school/nursery but that's it