After nearly 3 years he suddenly wants SEX !

[Sexless]

Well - what can I say ?
I've posted before about my dh's lack of interest in sex - in fact we haven't had sex since dd was conceived almost 3 years ago which although I wasn't happy with I tolerated, in some ways seeing it as a blessing - but now over Xmas I find him cuddling up to me, putting his arm around me etc - and guess what ? I don't like it !!

I'm not sure if I'm not just being arsey - but really I find it a bit embarasssing, like I don't know him any more.

What do you all think I should do ?

Sorry - that last posting wasn't very eloquent - HE decided to come upstairs and stand in the doorway whilst I was typing - how irritating is that ?

OK - more details ! When we were TTC he claimed he was as keen as me, but it seemed to me that he was reluctant to perform and in the year that we were TTC we only managed 5 attempts ! Of course I tackled him about it and he claimed to be stressed and tired - and eventually after I threw a major wobbley after he "had a headache" on the perfect night - he grudgingly performed the next morning and dd was at last conceived.

Our sex life has been poor for many years (12 out of the 15 we have been together I guess) and as I am also not highly sexed it's not too bad a problem although I do feel sad and depressed that he hasn't wanted to be close to me for almost 3 years. I suppose it makes me feel unattractive and unloved and that in itself has "turned me off/away from him".

I have tried to discuss the matter with him many times - but he isn't one to discuss such matters and always takes anything I say as criticism so talking is hard.

Anyway - I suppose what I am feeling now is that he just can't pick up where he left off - he needs to romance me a bit, set the scene etc rather than just expect me to be raring to go when he fancies it !

Am I being unreasonable ?

You sound a bit like me. I wouldn't miss sex if it didn't happen but having said that, I mostly enjoy it when it does happen. My DH has never gone off it, usually more the other way round but I find it hard to go back to sex when we have been without for quite a while. I think part of the problem is that men only need to think about sex and they are ready. Women need to feel loved and wanted and also need to feel sexy which doesn't always happen when you have been running around after the family day in day out. You have my sympathy, this can become such a big issue between a couple and really needs to be talked about and sorted out before it goes too far.

No Sexless, you're not being at all unreasonable. Most women need a bit of romancing etc and not just for the 10 minutes before sex! For me, all day to day life with dh needs to be emotionally involved for sex to work. Dh can't expect to be totally disinterested in me all day and then expect sex whenever he wants it, although I do usually give in !! It just doesn't do much for me when it's like that.

Does your dh read Mumsnet? Maybe he saw the thread about lack of interest in sex and decided to take action?!

sexless, no you're not being unreasonable IMO, not at all. If this interest is out of the blue after all this time it's not surprising that you're not feeling close enough to want to have sex. Would he go to a counsellor with you? That way someone else would be facilitating the conversation and maybe your DH wouldn't feel so criticised.

Sexless

I think that you are perfectly right in what you are doing.

I personally can't understand how a guy can go off sex for 3 years though.

Have you tried suggesting to him that after so much time it is now like you were back at the beginning of the relationship and that he needs to do more then just cuddle up and expect you to be ready, willing and able. It sounds like he needs to do a lot more romancing, flirting and maybe even take you out on what amounts to a date or 2 to get the sparks flying again.

Sexless

I think that you are perfectly right in what you are doing.

I personally can't understand how a guy can go off sex for 3 years though.

Have you tried suggesting to him that after so much time it is now like you were back at the beginning of the relationship and that he needs to do more then just cuddle up and expect you to be ready, willing and able. It sounds like he needs to do a lot more romancing, flirting and maybe even take you out on what amounts to a date or 2 to get the sparks flying again.

No, you're not being arsey - how can you be expected to just flick that switch and go? My dh just can't seem to get it into his head that what happens outside of bed has more impact than what happens in it as far as sex is concerned. How can you possibly want to have sex with someone who goes off on one about something trivial, tells you he can speak to you anyway he wants because your his wife ( I kid you not!!) and then expect you to feel like having sex???!!!

Your dh needs to start right back at the beginning as SimonHoward suggested, put alot of thought and romance into it all - everyday, not just when he feels like having sex.

Sexless

Did you pass the message onto DH then?

Hi everyone - and thanks for your thoughts and views. I'm afraid I stuck my head in the sand and ignored him - so we still haven't had it out, but I don't think the discussion can be very far off now ! Have been trying to get my head around it all first - ie. do I actually still love him, do I fancy him (not at the moment no !) and do I want to make this all better ???
Glad you all think I'm not being unreasonable anyway !