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Original poster

Slept with male friend - now I feel repulsed

30 replies

JammyJ123 · 03/04/2025 21:30

I have a male friend (more of a family friend) but we've become close friends recently. He has made it clear in the past that he really likes me but I've told him I do not feel the way. All has been fine. However, I was so bloody stupid last night and I feel so shit about it today.

We've been spending lots of time together recently and I have felt really close to him, I started to imagine a future with him and felt differently about him for the first time. Last night I asked if he wanted to come over for a takeaway and we ended up drinking (quite a bit!) and he ended up in my bed! I thought if I kiss him I can see if I do have feelings etc. However, one thing lead to another and I felt repulsed.

He's a really awkward person, and it was not a good experience. This morning, despite me being in work (from home) he wouldnt leave my house. He kept looking for jobs around my house to do. It was suffocating, I felt my skin crawling. So this 100% confirmed that I do not see him in this way.

I keep playing the events of last night and I am cringing but I feel absolutley awful that I've lead him on. He's messaged today saying he wishes he was with me and again it's making my skin crawl. I have huge hangxiety today and feel really shit about what happened - feel lots of guilt. He has very little relationship experience and I don't want to hurt him, especially because he's made it clear in the past that he's besotted with me (and everyone tells me).

I know i'm an idiot and I'm in the wrong but what do i say and do now?

OP posts:
BeckieG · 03/04/2025 21:33

Eek that’s awkward.
the friendship is dead in the water if he’s just been hanging around for years waiting to shoot his shot.
I think you just have to be really honest and say that he’s a great guy but that you don’t feel the spark and that it’ll never be more than friendship.

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/04/2025 21:35

You firmly and emphatically tell him you won’t be a couple . No platitudes. No duplicity or niceties
It was a bit cruel to sleep with a man you knew was crushing on you. Its unfortunately gave him false hope
Best be blunt and firm and if need be, you’ll need to lose the friendship if he has enduring romantic inclinations. I can’t see how you return to platonic

Strangecat · 03/04/2025 21:37

be super honest without obviously telling him that the thought of him repulse you!
Tell him, you feel like you made a mistake and that last night confirmed that you wish to remain friends!

GarlicSmile · 03/04/2025 21:38

Agree with PP, sadly. You didn't do anything wrong - you found out whether this could be a sexual relationship and the answer, for you, was no. It had to happen sooner or later.

Tell him, but not today while you're hung over and torturing yourself. It probably is the end of the friendship and that is a shame, but tbh he's been a fool to lurk around being 'friends' when he had an ulterior motive.

fatphalange · 03/04/2025 21:41

You did nothing wrong. You tested the waters, you've confirmed you definitely do not anything more with him and now all there is to do is be honest that it is not going to happen going forwards.Flowers

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:41

Oh well at least you know exactly what your feelings are for this man. That's clear! Don't worry, forgive yourself. Be kind and move on.

ladeedarrrry · 03/04/2025 22:07

We have all done something like this OP. DOn't beat yourself up and the crine feeling will pass.

Tbh I don't see how you could be friends anyway given he had feelings for you?

BeckieG · 03/04/2025 23:12

I actually think it’s really shit of him to hang around for years playing the role of ‘friend’ when his motive was always ‘more than friend’.
It’s like a fake friendship.

Original poster
JammyJ123 · 04/04/2025 09:24

Thank you all for the advice, I will send him
a message today so nothing is being dragged out. Still feel really shit about it, it was a mistake I will definitely learn from.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 04/04/2025 16:57

BeckieG · 03/04/2025 23:12

I actually think it’s really shit of him to hang around for years playing the role of ‘friend’ when his motive was always ‘more than friend’.
It’s like a fake friendship.

How so? @JammyJ123 knew how he felt and maintained the friendship
it wasn’t a hidden tell no one thing. She knew he had feelings and they maintained a platonic friendship, until they had sex

K8ate · 04/04/2025 17:39

Knowing he had feelings for you, it was a shitty thing for you to do.

Original poster
JammyJ123 · 04/04/2025 20:49

@K8ate I know - I said the same thing in my original post

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 04/04/2025 20:52

That's a really crap way to treat someone and he will obviously be very hurt. All you can do now is put him out of his misery quickly, tell him you don't want a relationship and let the friendship go.

pictoosh · 04/04/2025 21:02

Must agree it was quite selfish of you to experiment with him at your convenience, knowing he has a depth of feeling for you.
At the same time, you are in no way obliged to take any of this further. You must be upfront with him leaving no room for ambiguity.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/04/2025 21:06

You can't change it, you know that you made a mistake and lead him on by inviting him over knowing that he was interested in a relationship.

Cut him off now, he'll be hurt but he will get over it.

Mydahliasareshit · 04/04/2025 21:08

How did he take it, OP?

Original poster
JammyJ123 · 04/04/2025 21:10

I’ve not messaged him yet I’m just trying to figure out what to say. I 100% know I’m in the wrong and feel really shit about it as he’s a great friend, I’m just trying to work out how to be firm but kind

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/04/2025 21:20

Don't sugar coat it.
Be direct.
Leave nothing to chance or open to change, no it is not you, it is me etc etc
You're not interested. There was no spark and helped you realise that you want to stay single.

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/04/2025 21:35

JammyJ123 · 04/04/2025 21:10

I’ve not messaged him yet I’m just trying to figure out what to say. I 100% know I’m in the wrong and feel really shit about it as he’s a great friend, I’m just trying to work out how to be firm but kind

Do stop faffing. What’s to figure out?Be succinct.direct to the point
We slept together, I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to be in a relationship with you try that
And let the friendship go. It can no longer be platonic.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 04/04/2025 21:41

You’re not in the wrong fgs. Unnecessary hand wringing. He was trying to get with you and you gave it a go. He was pushing for it not you. Cut him off and be done with it. For his benefit as well as yours.

researchers3 · 04/04/2025 21:50

BeckieG · 03/04/2025 23:12

I actually think it’s really shit of him to hang around for years playing the role of ‘friend’ when his motive was always ‘more than friend’.
It’s like a fake friendship.

Agree!

NameChangedOfc · 04/04/2025 22:10

researchers3 · 04/04/2025 21:50

Agree!

Show quote history

I totally agree with this too. Beware of the nice guys who pine longingly for you, because they can turn nasty. You've learnt your lesson, OP 🙏

Good luck!

rwalker · 04/04/2025 22:12

researchers3 · 04/04/2025 21:50

Agree!

Show quote history

There’s been no pretence he’s been very clear he wanted more

Aworldofwonder · 04/04/2025 22:43

Hi OP,

I'd probably have a phonecall or worst case scenario leave a voice note so you can get tone across too.

I'd say this has been weighing heavily all day and you don't want to mislead him. He is a great guy but you don't have feelings for him beyond friendships and he deserves to be with someone who is mad about him. Say you wish you felt differently but you don't and you know that's not going to change.

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/04/2025 22:51

Aworldofwonder · 04/04/2025 22:43

Hi OP,

I'd probably have a phonecall or worst case scenario leave a voice note so you can get tone across too.

I'd say this has been weighing heavily all day and you don't want to mislead him. He is a great guy but you don't have feelings for him beyond friendships and he deserves to be with someone who is mad about him. Say you wish you felt differently but you don't and you know that's not going to change.

Christ no! That’s so mixed messages. He repulses her and creeps her out

Why do women need to apologise and tippy toe around men when declining to be in a relationship

All this great guy and wish felt different is platitudes and niceties that suggest she’ll change her mind .

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