Husband has performance anxiety

[sawarr]

Hi everyone!

It has been really difficult dealing with my husband’s performance anxiety. He’s 35 years old and has always been like this since we got married five years ago, but it has gotten much worse.

He doesn’t have much desire for sex. We did blood tests, and his testosterone levels are normal. His triglycerides are a bit high, but nothing too concerning.

Days go by, and he never initiates sex. A few days ago, he tried—he came to me—but he couldn’t get an erection.

I don’t initiate anymore because it causes him anxiety. But waiting until he feels like it takes too long. He says he has to be extremely horny in order to perform. On top of that, any stress in his life affects his desire—even the smallest things. For example, if I travel alone to visit my parents in their country, he won’t want to have goodbye sex because he feels too sad for it. I find this really strange. I try to understand, but it’s very complicated.

I can be wearing lingerie or the sexiest dress, and nothing happens.

I’m getting tired of this situation. His test results are fine, but his mindset doesn’t seem to change. He says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel the desire for sex often. But I don’t know if he’s telling me the truth.

Has anyone ever experienced something similar?

No, but sometimes if you really want to, and you have anxiety it just doesn't work! I have found a tablet like Sildenfil or Tadenfil make it all ok so thats probably worth a shout

You need to decide if you want a celibate relationship as he's obviously not into sex. There could be any number of reasons for this but ultimately he doesn't have much interest.

It's for him to want to do something about it and he hasn't made much effort. With ED you can still have a sex life because the desire is there, he doesn't have much of a libido.

I wouldn't stay in such a relationship but you may decide it's a worthwhile sacrifice.

Have you tried doing a bit more around the house, cleaning and tidying, maybe running him a bubble bath when he gets in from work?

What on earth has OP doing more housework got to do with the problem?

And really why on earth should she be running him a bubble bath? She is not his personal servant.

Porn hound I bet...

😂😂😂😂

Guessing this is more sarcasm… haha

This is the stock response when men write posts about this

Is it the same if you have a date night or relax in bed together? Does being close in bed not lead to sex? Foreplay not working?

My partner went though a phase of struggling to get an erection when he was around 32. I don’t know the cause but it did resolve.

Didn’t take long…

Woman who doesn't want sex = partner is lazy, doesn't do enough around the house or is just generally shit

Man who doesn't want sex = addicted to porn.

Men are allowed to have a low libido as well, especially if he has ED so that will make things worse. Of course he is allowed to not want to have sex, you just have to decide if thats something you are prepared to accept

This is the same for my partner and I. This all comes down to the psychological pressure because he knows you want it, so he's stressing about performing rather than enjoying the moment.

The trick for us is to not imply sex. If you come on too strong, him and his lil buddy will 'know' you want sex and all the anxiety kicks in. It has to happen super naturally!

I.e., rather than leaning in, climbing on top, and straddling him for example (instant pressure), just put your head in his chest in bed and run your finger over his chest as if you're thinking/bored etc. It's the touch that will get him excited, but he won't be thinking you're after sex, so it will be a natural excitement without the pressure. Then oral and quickly into penetration before he has a chance to panic.

Sounds weird, but you have to be a sex ninja with this sort of anxiety.

Sex ninja 😅

What’s he doing about it? He needs to either do something to fix it or you resign yourself to a sexless marriage. Or divorce. I’m not fussed about sex because I’m single but if I was in a relationship I’d want a sexual relationship. How do you see your future?

Oh right. So the poster was looking for laughs rather than trying to help OP?
Sarcasm never translates well into the written word.
And is totally lost on Autistic people like me.

My experience of this was the guy was into porn so real sex didn’t excite him. He quit porn and things improved but there were other problems so he’s now an ex.

I'd like to get a better understanding on what's going on.

Is the problem that he won't get an erection when he's feeling emotional or under pressure?
Or is the problem that he doesn't feel the slightest bit interested in sex?

Because those are two different things.
A man who can't get - or keep up - an erection, but who is still interested in sex, can have other types of intimacy if that's something you want. You could take the pressure off.
My husband had to take certain medication for a while, which made it really hard for him to orgasm. And for a while it caused him a lot of stress. Same as with your husband, waiting until he was extremely turned on in the hopes of everything going smoothly then. And often goign soft if he was thinking about it too much.
At one point I just turned things around and told him: you know what, we're going to shift the focus here. We could have intimacy even if you don't climax, if you're up for that. How about we just focus on me for a while? (I said this jokingly, light-heartedly). From now on, I'm the only one who's allowed to orgasm.

And we kind of just played along. For a while it was just that. Mostly he just cared about my pleasure, and if he happened to finish as well, then great. The, as his confidence grew and he could see that we could still have great sex despite his issues, he get out of his head and things went back to normal.

It’s a little bit presumptuous to jump to porn addiction , it may or may not be an underlying cause but it’s unlikely IMO.

as others have sex, some men do, and are allowed to have a low libido, you need to figure out if you can have a relationship with mismatched sex drives.

psychological ED is so much harder to overcome than physical ED. He will be avoiding sex for fear of not performing and ‘letting you down’ even if he has the desire to have sex with you.

I would be looking to find out if he masturbates when he isn’t having sex. If he does, and he can get hard, then you will know that it is 100% psychological and you/he can focus on treating it.

also, does he get night time erection and morning wood? Although NTE and day time erections take different nerve pathways, a lack of NTE is a sign that there might be something physically working and if not treated he will get atrophy.

I’ve been there and got the T-shirt. What worked for me was:

The knowledge that intercourse was not going to happen, even when we got intimate. Take PIV out of the picture and use your hands and mouth ( sorry for TMI! ) and build up to sex.

music in the background

if he can get hard but loses an erection, a cock ring will trap the blood in the corpus cavernosa. Make sure it doesn’t stay on for more than 30
minutes.

toys - A man should never feel threatened by toys in the bedroom, and in his position, you can both use a vibrator or a wand together and assuming you can finish, it should take the pressure off him with the knowledge you’ve already O’d.

Alcohol - a couple glasses of wine will loosen inhibitions and should make him less Anxious about his PA. It was only wine that worked for me, beer made me tired and spirits Didn’t help either.

PDE5’s - Viagra and Ciallis Work for approximately 60% of men with ED, but he needs to WANT to have sex with you and they don’t increase sexual desire. Look for the generic versions, sildenafil and Tadalafil - they are half the price. Don’t use with alcohol as they won’t be as effective and because they both lower blood pressure, he might faint instead of getting an erection 😂

it’s good that you have taken the pressure off him but you need to remember this isn’t a you problem and HE needs to take action to sort himself out. If he doesn’t, nothing will ever change and it will only get worse.